Masquerade



Me with Levon at Rocky Horror Picture Show
Live. This is w/ my shirt on before they removed it.



What is Halloween for adults, but a time for fantasy? A time to break out of their everyday mold, and pretend to be something they aren't. Or are they pretending...

I want to talk about women and Halloween.  The other day I heard Kidd Kraddick talking about it on his show. He said it's not just and angel, it's a dirty angel. It's not just a devil, but a naughty devil, etc. He said that women use Halloween to hooch themselves up. He's right about that. Why is it women use this holiday for an excuse to hooch it up, to dress like sluts, to bare almost all?

I can only speak for myself. First of all, this year was the first time in years I had enough confidence in myself that I felt comfortable going out in public wearing what I did the last two nights. The last time it came close, I dressed as a cat, but I wore a skirt that covered me up. That was about nine years ago. This weekend I went out in fishnets, covered by boy shorts that did not really cover much and corsets. I actually went on stage at Rocky Horror Picture Show live wearing boy shorts, a pleather corset, fishnets and a black bra. I had a lace shirt on, but they took it off of me when I went on stage. I wouldn't have done that a year ago, and I probably wouldn't have done it 10 years ago. I know I'm not small, but for the first time I think I have enough muscles in the right places not to look too bad.

I wear things like this because I can't do it all the time. I do it because I'm a professional with a reputation to protect. I do it because I can't be a successful professional and a hooch. People do not take you seriously when you dress like a ho all the time. I value my professional reputation immensely. In fact, I actually pulled my work image into my personal life recently. I'm trying desperately here to not cross my work and my play. In only one way do the two intersect, and I'm making sure the line doesn't get crossed. A friend of mine called me a closet exhibitionist. It's probably true. I always did like short skirts. The difference is now I realize there is a place for short skirts. And work isn't the place.

On Halloween, I can wear whatever I want with not thoughts as to the consequences. "It was Halloween," I can say. I can go as a dominatrix, a burlesque girl, a slutty witch, or whatever. No recriminations necessary. I can act out a fantasy, or show my true face. The side that only comes out in private. The side I don't want the world to see. I can be what I secretly want to be. If I want to. And there are few people who ever know what my true motivations are for my costumes. And I'm almost positive, it is the same for everyone else.

All people have their unique fantasies, fetishes, perversions, etc. Some are very open, and others keep those things locked up so no one can see. In some ways I even those who can be open about those things. To not need to worry about what others think is a wonderful thing. For others, and there are many others (if you don't believe me you weren't out last night), Halloween is an opportunity to masquerade. What your are hiding are revealing is only for you to know. Strangely enough I have found out a few things about some people of late. Things that I never would have guessed, or even thought about. Things I've never considered. For all that I consider myself an erudite person, I have to admit there are some things I'm completely clueless about.

Me with Becky on Halloween.

The one thing I do know is that Halloween is a night to fly your freak flag high, and be all that you can be, or that you want to be. It is a night for Masquerade. And no one need know why.

I have been covered from head to toe for years, this year was my year to shine.

"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade . . . Masquerade! Hide your face, so the world will never find you!...Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies . . . Masquerade! You can fool any friend who ever knew you!" - Masquerade from The Phantom of the Opera.

Pride is a bitch…

Pride makes for a cold bed partner. Really.

The last few years living away from my family, I have had to learn how to ask for help. There have been many times when I have needed help. Surgeries are hard enough when you live alone; when your family is 400 miles away it is nearly impossible. To be independent while being hospitalized or operated on isn't an option. I had to put aside my pride and ask for help. At least in this one way I have learned to let go of my pride and ask for help.

Unfortunately I learned very young not to ask for what I want. I don’t plan social gatherings because no one goes. I usually go places alone because I don’t want to risk rejection when I ask people to go places and they are busy. I am independent, a loner, or whatever you want to call it. I‘d rather be alone than risk rejection and my pride by asking for something.

I usually only ask my close friends to come to my events. This is because when I was in high school, even my parents stopped coming to my events. I mean when my sisters were in high school, my parents dragged me to everything and we sat through the entire thing. By my senior year in high school, my mom came for halftime of the football games to see me dance in the drill team, then left as soon as the performance is over. No offense to my parents, but it really hurt that they never came to stuff. Neither did my sisters. My sisters, who I know have their own resentments regarding me, don’t realize I have that resentment towards them. They are posting all of these pictures on facebook of them when they were children. Pictures of them with my parents. My parents stopped taking pictures not long after I was born. Oh well.

Nothing hurt me like the my mom not coming to see me sing in "1940's Radio Hour." It was my solo singing debut. That was a once in a lifetime show. After that show when some of my friends didn't show who had bought tickets, I gave up hoping people would come to my show. Frankly I had more people at "Happy Days" then any of my other shows.

Over the years I stopped trying. I am a pitbull when it comes to other people's needs or for the "greater good". I can be a champion of the underdog. I will fight for what's right, and all of that. However I lie down like a freaking carpet when it comes to my own wants. I hardly will express interest in someone unless I'm sure they are interested. I can't imagine asking someone out. How guys do it I don't know.

I'm passive aggressive when it comes to my wants and needs. I don't want to make decisions in relationships. I'd rather a significant other make decisions, while taking into account my opinions and preferences. I once dated someone for a year and a half. He couldn't make a decision to save his life, so I always decided what to do. After we broke up he told me he didn't like doing something we did all the time. I say man up, and tell me you don't like something. Believe me, I'll tell you if I don't like something. I just don't want to make the decisions all of the time.

Getting back to the point, I rarely ask for what I want. Once rejected, I probably won't ask again. I have way too much pride. Again, as far as relationships go, I want someone who takes the driver's seat. I rarely say, hey I would like to do ______.  If I do and get rejected, chances are I won't ask again no matter who it is or what the situation.

I will go on to say that I also have had to learn how to express my feelings. To touch people and hug and most of all to say I love you. I practice this with friends as much as I can. And I mean it with all my heart when I say it. Never will those words come from my mouth unless I do mean it. It's sad, again though, I can say it to friends, and sometimes to family, but I haven't said it to a significant other since college. I'm told, counseled, lectured, etc. that when the time comes I will be able to let go and my pride won't bottle me up. I pray that is the truth, because as I have said so many times, I am not sure I am capable of the feeling anymore. I'm not sure my pride will let me admit I have feelings even if I do.

As I said above, pride really does make a cold bed partner. I hope someday that someone will have the strength to beat through mine. But realize that while my pride might not let me show what I'm feeling, it doesn't mean I don't hurt when people treat me callously. In fact, my mom used to say I closed myself off because I feel too much.

That is the truth. Of course, "pride goest before destruction, and a haughty spirit before the fall." Be patient with me while I wait, not so patiently, for the fall to come. And with it my pride.

Typecast Again

I afraid my new play doesn't leave me much room for showing the range of my acting ability. It does, however, give me the opportunity to be funny. Finally. I can be funny, I promise.

I am playing two characters. Unfortunately, the two characters have one thing in common - they both want to get laid. Both characters go after it in different ways, for different reasons, but they are just really after self gratification.

It struck me, as I was listening to the other plays tonight, that I really have something in common with my characters. Not the getting laid part, but other characteristics. I will not get into specifics, but I'll just say there are some parallels to my own life in these two characters. I mean, what women doesn't want to feel desirable? Want to be appreciated? Want to be wanted? We all do, and if we don't, we are lying.

What I find so funny about my roles is they are so out there. I say things in these scenes, I would rarely say out loud, even among friends. I might think them, but I don't say them. I wish I could be as bold in my personal life as these characters are in theirs. And the fact that yesterday, someone told me I needed to loosen up, is just icing on the cake. I didn't get far enough in my conversations with this person to tell them I was spending my next play partially in bed with a married man pretending to be naked. I definitely need to loosen up.

This is a departure from my norm, and I can't tell you how excited I am to finally be allowed to be funny. For some reason, people do not perceive me as funny. My friends know I can be freaking hilarious sometimes. Just not everybody appreciates my kind of humor. Just like I didn't appreciate the off-color jokes I heard this weekend.

Let's just say I'll try to loosen more, because my uptight attitude is such a drag. Of course, I don't think my friends could take it if I loosen up any more. I'm already shocking the hell out of those who know me best.

Dating Disasters

You know I'm pretty honest about my dry spell on the dating front in Arkansas.  Arkansas didn't like me very much, and I won't lie -- I didn't like it. It is difficult living in a place where you are not interested in anyone, and the ones interested in you are such losers, you rather be alone.

I remember one time in AR, when this particular guy was hitting on me. He was funny, I guess, in a crude type of way, and I was totally in love with his daughter. Except I watched him neglect his daughter. I watched him drink and party while his daughter was all alone. I sad no multiple times and one of my friends called me a snob. I may be a snob, but that same guy ended up knocking up not one,  but two of his babysitters at the same time because he paid them with sex instead of money. Classy guy, don't you know. I'm devastated I missed out on such a winner.

Fast forward to San Antonio. Things have definitely picked up on the dating front, although I'm not sure the pickings are any better. Eligible, ineligible, long-term potential, short-term potential -- the possibilities are endless. I promised myself when I moved here, I wouldn't be as picky. Basically if someone asked, I would say yes. You never know when the spark might happen. I really hate pursuing anyone myself, and it is rare that I meet someone I would be willing to pursue.

I'll admit I've had a crush since I moved here and I have pursued to a certain extent. Crushes can be fun, and for the most part, this one has been. I will not let this deter me on my current path though. Which brings me to this week. I have a friend who has a friend she has tried to set me up with. This friend of a friend, however, witnessed me with out someone else one night. That particular night I had way too much to drink and wasn't very discrete. I really hate pda, but that one night, I wasn't thinking about image. As a result the friend of a friend thinks I'm easy. I'm sure of it. Especially after the other night. At one point I had remove the guy's hand from me. I didn't know this guy was coming out the other night, and I didn't plan on a double date. He's nice, but he thinks I'm easy. I'm not. I don't think that will work out as he has the completely wrong opinion of me.

This leads me to my date this weekend. He was smart, reasonably attractive, successful and funny. The date went well and he asked me out for a second date. There was only one yellow flag during the date, and I was willing to overlook it long enough to give him a second chance to redeem himself. (Side note here - Being male and in theater does not mean you have to be gay. That's a stereotype, and a bad one.) The red flag came later in the night. I went out on a lunch date with this guy. Afterwards I went home to lay down because I'm kind of sick. He started texting me about 10 p.m.

At 10 p.m. I was texting a couple of friends of mine because I was sad about my mom, so I was texting friends when I got this bad text. His first question was why I had never married or why I hadn't been swooped up. He said he didn't understand how someone like me -- attractive, smart and a women who carries themselves well, hadn't been snapped up. Not so bad if he had left it at that. He then proceeded to ask me if it was because I couldn't boil water or I suck in bed. REALLY? Is that something you ask someone you just met. One of my friends called him a douchebag. One called him that with a capital D. This guy then continued to tell me about all of his bad dates and said he could write a book about it.

Not a winner. His gay theater people comment was bad enough. I had already figured out I couldn't be with someone who had that kind of judgmental attitude. Prejudice is not something I tolerate in a significant other, or frankly in an insignificant other. But really - do I suck in bed??? I can't believe I was asked that question. With those kind of people out there, it's a wonder I am single. LOL

Correction -- For Adults Only

I was informed after I posted my blog yesterday that my fellow bed mate has been finalized. So I get to spend my one-act in bed with my buddy. I have to say, I rather do it with a friend. Lol.

For Adults Only

Last night I posted a status update about auditions. I really didn't intend on auditioning for the Night of One Acts for the Lackland Performing Arts Group, but after reading a couple of the scripts, I have to say I'm very excited. I haven't laughed at a script like that since "Barbecuing Hamlet" for the Village Players back in 2006. 

When I walked in last night, a script was thrown at me. I was told they needed someone uninhibited for a particular role. Others had already said no. Frankly I was intrigued. When I went in to read, they explained this role was as far from Mrs. C as a person could get. They were right. pr.  Now the actor is a married man, not the character (at least I don't think so. I haven't actually read the entire script.

They also asked me if there were any words I didn't feel comfortable saying on stage. I had to laugh...The Village Players sanitized everything. I'm not used to being able to actually cuss on stage. Now - I think I might have to ask my dad not to come to this one if he gets offended easily. Maybe not anyway, because both of my roles are a little risque. And the short one I read all the way through is hilarious. I can't wait. There will be lots of giggling going on at the beginning. I will have to keep a straight face through some lines that make my honeymoon/wrestling line look innocent. However, I won't have the same baggage this time.

So I get to pretend to be nude on stage - Can you say spray tan? And my bed mate will either be a good married friend or a strange married friend. Should be interesting. I really can't wait. I was planning on doing something else instead of this, but I couldn't get the information I need to commit to the other performance. I may still be able, but won't know for a few weeks or so.

I think this For Adults Only Night of One-Acts will be fabulous. And I finally get to do something provocative for real. I really will be needing that trainer...I've got to work on my arms. lol

Crying again (Boy does this suck)

I have been trying not to cry and failing miserably for most of the past week. I've kept my hormone levels pretty regular since last week, so I will blame it on emotions.

I've had some good times lately. I've reconnected with some old friends and I've made some new ones. I had good times at my reunion this weekend. I was asked out for a date by two different men within 24 hours (and within 48 of a date with a third). I feel like I'm coming into my own after a long, dark period in Arkansas. Only this month, my happiness is definitely marred by the grief that is oozing out of me right now.

Saturday will be the two year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her so much. There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to share. I want her advice. I want her to see me healthy (well maybe I can believe see can see, me). I want to discuss politics with her and entertainment news. I want her to recommend books to me because she had a knack for finding things I love.

I basically just want my mom. She just got me, and she might get why I'm doing what I'm doing right now. She would have been beside herself to know I went to a class at the AF JAG School, because JAG used to be one of her favorite shows.

As it is, I keep crying. Somehow I can't get it out of my mind this year. I can't stop thinking about it. Most likely this is because I've had so many changes in my life this year. I have so much going on. Everybody is so busy with life, that sometimes, although I'm rarely alone, I feel I have no one to talk to. I also long to have time alone, but everytime I am alone, I cry.

For the next few days, I'm trying to stay busy. I'm going to go see Enrique and Pitbull tomorrow night. I have my 12 mile run Saturday. I'm supposed to go on a blind date on Saturday too. That may not be the best idea, given my penchant for crying of late, but I'm going to go anyway. What's the worst thing that can happen?

Grief for lost loved ones can be crippling at times. Crying helps. Holding the crying in doesn't help. All it does is make you feel bad. I'm told the grief I'm feeling lessens as the years pass; however I don't think I will ever get through a major life event without thinking of mom. I miss her.

I love you, mom! I hope you are still proud of me.

Retail Therapy

So I had a shitty day. I cried all night last night and most of the morning. I could stop myself.rI also started crying as soon as I got home from work and finally had the crying jag I so desperately needed. I will manage somehow to get through the next nine days. If I can get to a week from Sunday, I should be in the clear as far as the crying goes.

I think crying is good. A good cry can get all of those emotions out so you can get on with your day/life/whatever. It may be girly of me, but all I wanted to do today was let it loose. I always feel better after.

However, my jag was interrupted by a text. Not a text that rocked my world or anything, but one that surprised me.  My plan for tonight was actually to go shopping at the Quarry. I found a fantabulous outfit, and I'm going to be rocking when I wear it. I'm going to be overdressed, but I don't care.

I then went to Ulta and bought supplies before getting a wax and a pedi. I spent way too much, but it was so worth it.

Good night all. I feel better after some awesome retail therapy. Next stop - Ennis, TX.

Big Girls Don't Cry.

Big girls don't cry except when they do. I have been crying since last night. I'm not even sure why um crying. Being lectured doesn't help. Disapproval really doesn't help. At least no one has said I told you so yet. Then again nothing has happened at warrant that level of response from someone.

I'm missing my mom. I really wish she could talk to me. I can and do talk to her all the time. That may sound crazy, but I do. What I want is her level head and good advice. I want her here so we can talk politics and movies and entertainment news. I miss her as my sounding board. I wish I could talk about my job with her and run all of these possible opportunities I have by her and get her opinion.

So today I will be a cry baby. I am human, you know? I doesn't help when so many of my friend's are hurting too. I have to purge the pain and hurt. I would like nothing better to curl up in someone's arms and let them hold me why I cry it out. Alas I will get through this physically alone with the support of friends, none of which can really give me what I need.

Demons

Oh, my demons are coming back tonight. The things that haunt me at times. The demons that mar my happiness, make me doubt what I know and bring back such sorrow into my life.

I admit I'm haunted by many things. I've pretty much put the ghosts of boyfriend past out of my mind, but on occaision I do think about things. I'm learning a new song for karaoke and it reminds me of the past. I'm only learning it because I can really sing the song. Like I can record myself and listen and think it sounds good, but it's a depressing song. And it reminds me of one of my past relationships.

Relationships are not what is haunting me tonight. Tonight I miss my mom. In a few days the two year anniversary of the last week of her life. I would do anything to talk to her right now and have her answer me. She had the best instincts in the world when it came to people. She gave the best advice. She knew me without me having to explain. She knew my reasons and motives without me ever having to explain. She would lecture, but talk me through things.

My demons are not very pretty. They are not very nice sometimes. When they come out to haunt me they bring me down low. It's been two years, and I still am reduced to tears when I think about her. Mom and one other thing do it to me every time. I rarely talk anout the other thing. Too traumatic.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can exercise my demons I'd appreciate the advice. I get tired of crying all the time.

Faces of Eve

How many people out there have different faces they show to different people in different situations? If you say you don't, you are probably lying. I know I do.

Part of my evolution into the adult you see and hear today was developing a persona for most situations. Even as far back as college, I joined a sorority to learn how to better relate to other females. I was too used to hanging with a bunch of guys. If you don't believe me, check out my facebook. Most of my boys from back in the day are my friends on there, and still interact with me pretty regularly.

I have a work persona. I have a theater persona. I have a friend persona. I have a good friend persona. And then there is me. My good friends get closest to see the real me. I'm moody and blunt, and sometimes rude. It took me years to filter myself. To stop throwing temper tantrums when I didn't get my way. I rarely even lose my temper now, and when I do, it usually has to do with work. I doubt many of my theater friends are aware of how seriously I take my work. Some of the AF people might, but only because they know my pay grade. They have never seen me in my zone of professionalism. Kicking butt and taking names.

To my new theater friends, I'm talkative, at times say a little too much. I'm energetic and loud. I'm outgoing. It has taken me years to get that way. I'm usually shy and quiet around new groups. It took me a year to let loose on the Village Players, and I still don't think I really did. I can be very loud and I know I'm obnoxious at times. Part of it with this group is as one of the oldest ones in the cast, I felt old, but didn't want to be perceived as old. 

Maybe its the exercise, and that is not an act. I am trying to be healthy. Maybe it is giving me energy. But enough about me.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...I keep hearing that lately. How many people act one way to one person or group and a completely different way to another? How do you know what is the real thing?

Faces of Eve. One face here, another there. The things I hear and see do not surprise me. In fact, I am aware of some of the diverging personality traits out there. I used to think I was pretty worldly, but of late I have had my eyes opened. I may be more "me" in play, than I am in work, but basically it's the same personality only one way is more intense. I'm honest and straight forward in either situation. I may be more blunt to some people than others, but basically I'm me, no matter what.

I've been getting some conflicting information. I'm going to have to go with my gut on this. I'm not disbelieving of what I'm hearing I just wonder how much is misperception. Or maybe I'm in la la land. Sometimes I don't know. I may never know. I think maybe everyone shows a different face to different people in their life. We all just have to decide whether, when faced with those different faces, do we acquiesce, or distrust and question.

I, for one, am going to take things at face value for a change. I going to try to not overanalyze and question. I'm going to let things be.

You see - you can teach an old dog new tricks! Good night!

October Craziness

I love Halloween. I luvvvv it!!! I love to dress up in a way I wouldn't normally. I love witch costumes, vampires, etc. I've been Little Red Riding Hood, Elvira, Trinity, Cinderella, a cat, a mouse, various witches, and other random things. Sometimes I'll just wear devil horns and regular clothes. I have to wear something, its not in my nature not to.

I want to post at the beginning of this month because this month is crazy busy. I've got my reunion, a trip to Alabama, birthdays, haunted houses, meetings for LPAG, multiple possible auditions, run club, possible rehearsals and various outings with my new friends. I love it, but it also makes me tired.

I'm in the process of picking out and purchasing a Halloween costume.  I decided earlier in the year I wanted to do a particular costume. I finally found something (thank you Becky). Now I just have to order it. It is spectacular. Really spectacular. And for the first time, I feel like I can wear it and look pretty awesome. So sometime this week I'm going to splurge and go all out. I get to spend Halloween with Becky again. How awesome is that? My Halloween buddy and I back together again. It was one of the first things I thought of when I found out I was moving to San Antonio.

Again I love this month. I may have to immerse myself in activities because probably for the rest of my life, October will be the hardest month of the year for me to get through. So if I don't write, be patient; if I'm emotional, just give me a Kleenex and a shoulder; if I don't want to go somewhere, just know I'm exhausted. The rest of the year looks crazy for me.

Good times!!!