Monday, October 29, 2012

Illusions

Aren't we all full of illusions? Doesn't everyone put on a mask in certain situations? The trick is realizing when to take those masks off.

There was a day not too long ago, where I was put through the ringer. I spent four hours in hell, then had to go be social. I was around a bunch of people I've never met. I'm shy anyway when I don't really know a bunch of people in a place, but after the afternoon I had, I was just tapped out. Not really even close to my best. I really didn't think too much of it at the time, other than these people were talking about stuff I really didn't know about. All I could think was they were all so young, and I really didn't fit in.

I was told recently those same people thought I was unfunny and trying too hard. It's funny, I really don't remember much about the night. I was too strung out from my afternoon. Funny how that night made such an impression on others. And not a good one. Basically, I guess I came across as fake.

I'm really not a fake person, but I hide myself. In my life I've offended so many people from just being me. Certain people think I'm funny, but others just think I'm weird. That is why all of my friends are very unique individuals. And it takes a long time before I let it all hang out, so to speak.

It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable. So many times people have gotten to know me and not liked what they see. I don't like myself sometimes. The last few years I've used humor to deflect attention off myself, so people can't see how much I hurt sometimes. I do talk to people and I do let it out some, but my rocks have needed rock of their own lately, so I try not to lend too hard.

It's not that I'm not having reactions and feeling things, I just have trouble letting others know what I'm feeling. I hide behind a mask. I'm a good actress at times.

And I was again told lately, that I'm too good of an actress. It hurts. It really hurts. Then again, it's hard to be real when someone is pushing you away. 


Sunday, October 21, 2012

It sucks sometimes...

Most people don't know a few things about me. I'm going to explain two.

The first thing is if you can get past my exterior, I love very passionately. Whether it's friends, family, etc. I will do anything for my friends. I will go to extreme lengths. I almost drove across the country one time to be there for a friend, but she stopped me before I went. All I could think is she needed me. Earlier this year, my dad had to be hospitalized. I drove off in a panic  when I got the phone call, dead set on driving home. My dad talked me down, because he didn't want me driving in such a state, and then another friend sat with me that afternoon and evening while  waited for a phone call.

The night my mother was first hospitalized, I spoke to my sisters before hand. We discussed how to get her to the hospital. We came up with a course of action, then they executed. I was going to drive right then, but they talked me out of it (six hours is a long drive along at night on a deserted highway). But I stayed up all night after they admitted her to ICU, then the next morning drove home. I flew home twice in near hysteria trying to get to my mom. Thankfully I didn't have to drive because I wouldn't have made it.

If someone needs help, I am there if they ask me. I go to extreme lengths at times. I ran out of work not too long ago to help a friend, and thank God my supervisors understood. 

I don't say this to brag or be self-serving, it's just a fact. I was told recently that I need to learn to say no, and tell some people to get a life, but they really don't understand. I so seldom let people past my defenses, that those who do get there, I will do anything for. That's just who I am. This doesn't mean I'm not selfish, because I am. Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but once I'm aware I'll go the distance.

This leads me to another trait of mine. One that isn't a real good. My mom used to say, that once someone crossed me, they could be dead for all the thought I'd give them. She's kind of right. Cross me, lie to me, double-cross me - forget about it. I am done with you. You may as well not exist. I am not a forgiving person. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. 

I had a friend in college. Best friend. We were so close. We both got busy with our respective sororities, and didn't see each other too often for a while. Even though, our plans got canceled more often than not for months, I still considered her my bff, until one day. She was dating someone new, so I hadn't seen her in a few months. I was in a position where I wasn't allowed to speak to any sorority girls for over a month. Over Christmas, my friend got engaged. The bad thing is I heard the news from another person who wasn't supposed to be in communication with her. My friend had told others, but she hadn't told me. 

After I was able to communicate again, I spoke to her and she said she didn't tell me because of the communication issue. And my response was, but you told the other people who were in the same boat as me. It hurts to find out your best friend is getting married from strangers. After that I refused to speak to her. I ran into her at a club one night and she tried to speak. I turned my back on her and walked away. Another friend told me she started crying when I walked off. I just couldn't forgive that she didn't tell me about her engagement. I turned my back on that friendship. I've also turned my back on a few others, who didn't meet my expectations. 

The point of this is, I wish I could turn the other cheek sometimes. It would be easier. It would also be easier if I didn't feel the need to run and help those I do love. But I can't stand seeing someone I love in pain. I want to fix it and make it better. Not everyone can understand the need. I can't just tell someone to get a life. Not when that person has done so much for me. I would not have made it through my mom's death if not for my friends. It's not really much to ask for me to do a little bit for them. It just sucks sometimes.

However, don't get on my bad side. As one of my friend's said the other night, "I would advise them not to get you mad too often." Ain't that the truth? Lol

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I love you..

I love you. Three simple words. Words that can light up a person's life. Why are they so hard to say?

You might think that I'm talking about romance, but I'm not. At least not today. We all have so many loved ones, but how often do we actually say I love you to them? 

I think first about me and some of my friends. I used to shy away from saying I love you to anyone. I also wasn't real good with hugs. Up until a few years ago, there were only a few people I would hug. Mostly that came because of the pain I was in for so many years. Hugging hurt. Physically. Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to spontaneously hug people. I would bristle or pull back from people. Forget telling them I love them. 

A few things changed though. After my mom died, all I wanted was contact with someone. When my best friend drove to stand beside me at mom's visitation and the funeral, I clung to her when she arrived. I needed to feel someone. I, of course, hugged people I hadn't seen in forever who came to pay their respects, but having someone who didn't pull away was vital to me. At that point I started hugging my dad all the time. And saying I love you every time we talk. Life is too short and precious. 

Still, I hold myself back. Right before I moved to SA I had my hysterectomy. All of a sudden, I wasn't in physical pain anymore. I still bristled from hugging though. Then I moved here. Little did I know I moved to hugging central. I'm not sure if its the Hispanic culture, or the military, but all of a sudden everybody is hugging everybody. It took me awhile to get used to it. Now I hug all the time, and it's a great feeling. The other thing that really changed is I do not hesitate to tell my friends I love them. Life is way too short. 

Let's get back to family though. It's harder there. I love my family a great deal, and I'd go to the mattress for any of them, but still I hesitate to say I love you all the time except for my dad and my niece. Otherwise, I just feel awkward saying it. And that goes both ways. We don't really hug or anything. It's not because the love isn't there, it's just because we don't do that. I'm not even sure why. We all did with mom, but not really with each other. Now I hug the boys, but they're my babies (and my niece too). They are the children I've never had. I give them all the love I don't have an outlet for elsewhere. As it should be.

Why do we hesitate to tell the ones we love the most how we feel? What is in us that hesitates to utter those three little words. I mean, it's not like in romance where there is a fear of rejection, or lack of reciprocation. I know my family loves me, even when they don't like me very much. Yet still I hesitate.

The point of all of this is don't hesitate to tell your loved ones that they are indeed your loved ones. You never know when those three little words will brighten someones day, or make a life changing difference. I love my entire family, and I love my friends, each in their own way. We are all unique individuals. And everyone needs to know when they are cared about. This is a constant trial for me. Something I strive to do. We all should, because you never know when it will be too late to say those words that can change a life. Especially if they are heartfelt. 

Love you all! - Laura

Monday, October 15, 2012

Fear is the enemy!!!

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death, and there are so many things going through my head today. I miss her so much, and would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her. There are so many things I would like to discuss with her, but alas it's not to be. I know she still listens to me. I just can't hear her replies.

I was talking with a friend about my show this past weekend, and he said that I looked like I had done that many times. It could not be further from the truth. Last Friday was the first time I just sang and performed in front of a crowd. Plays do not count, especially since when I have sang in plays, there hasn't been choreography. I am truly frightened of singing in front of people. It's something that I want to do, but I have fear that people will just think I suck. 

Another friend told me her peeps who came to the show discussed the bad and good performances. Since I wasn't mentioned at all, I was considered neither good or bad. She put it best, at least I wasn't bad. I could do it better. I decided to do the showcase to work on my confidence. It gets better all the time.

When I was younger, I was afraid of many things. Let's face it, who isn't? As I've gotten older, I have chosen to face down some of my fears. I always have had an irrational fear of drowning in a big ocean, so I decided to become a certified scuba diver. I'm scared of heights, so I go to the top of a mountain and look down. I'm afraid to sing in public, so I start taking voice lessons and audition for a musical. 1940s Radio Hour was the best musical ever to showcase singers. The songs were all great. I still owe Amy Talbert and Tom Redwine for giving me the chance to sing for them. I shook with fear, but I got the job done.

The harder things to face are my personal fears. The ones deep down and personal. The ones I hate to admit to, even to myself. These are the ones my mom understood without me having to say a thing. When I got sick, and found out in my 20s I probably wouldn't be able to have children, it took a long time to process. My deepest fear was I would fall in love with someone and as soon as they found out I was defective, they would drop me. I mean, who wants a woman who can't have kids? And honestly, at the time, I don't think I could have been with someone who didn't want a family. Now I've come to grips with it, and although I still want a family, I can deal with whatever possibility. 

I spent a long time detaching myself from people. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. To a certain extent, I still don't. I was almost destroyed once upon a time, and I don't want to open myself up to feel. I have trouble letting anyone get close. And I don't want anyone to see me cry. I have a very careful close group of friends. With those few, I let it all hang out. All the emotion, the anger, the sadness I feel. I have a larger group of friends who have no clue as to my insecurities. 

It's a constant struggle to open myself up to people and risk getting hurt. And no matter what anyone says, every deep down is afraid of getting hurt. It is the ultimate test to lay yourself open and be vulnerable. The last time I did, I was left hanging in the wind. To not be defensive and let people into your life. Some will be good, some will be bad, but to close yourself off, you will never be a complete person. And if you're lucky enough, you will find the person who can accept you flaws and all, and love and accept you anyway. 

Fear is the enemy, and no one should let it rule their life. Taking a chance is the only way to find true fulfillment and happiness. Otherwise, what you are doing just isn't living.