Wednesday, December 19, 2012

It's the End of the World - What do you regret?

I got a message about an "End of the World" party for Friday night earlier, and I thought what a good topic for a blog. Now I don't think the world is going to end Friday, but it's as good a reason as any to reflect. I don't think there is a person alive who can look back at their life and not regret something. Even those who are at peace with their lives can look back an wish they had taken one road or another, although they may be happy where they ended up.

I regret I didn't go to law school when I was young. My life would be completely different now. However, if I had gone to law school, I never would have met some of the great people I've come into contact with over the years. I never would have moved to Arkansas. If the market wasn't so flooded with attorneys right now, I might even go to law school yet, but I don't think it's an economically feasible endeavor at this time.

I regret that I was so determined to leave Ennis for college that I overlooked someone who cared about me. Years later he told me if only I hadn't been so intent to leave, we might have had a chance. I cared about him a lot, but our timing sucked. I realized that might not have been the case if I hadn't been hell bent on getting out of Ennis. Then later, when there may have been another chance, I screwed that up too. And for something that wasn't worth anything in the grand scheme of things.

Those are two things I can pinpoint to specific incidences. It's the general things that sometimes keep me awake at night.

I wish I wasn't afraid. Afraid of what, you ask? Afraid to feel. No. That's not right. I'm not afraid to feel. I afraid to let people know I feel. So many people value my ability to stay cool and calm under duress, and I hate to ruin illusions. I am one of the most emotional creatures alive. I love and hate hard. I'm pretty quick to let people know what I hate, but wary about letting anyone know where I love. It's a work in progress. I'm getting better with family and friends, but I still have trouble letting anyone else know I care.

It's so easy to act like you don't care about anything. To act all nonchalant about emotions. To pretend things don't bother you. To not act hurt when someone says something to you that rocks your world. Easy to pretend it doesn't bother you, then go home alone and get mad or cry or scream. The problem is when this happens, when I'm pretending something doesn't bother me, I tend to say things I don't mean that come back to haunt me. I don't think quickly on my feet, so I say the first thing that pops into my head, then have to live with the consequences.

I wish I didn't care so much about perception. I wish I had more self-confidence and belief in myself and my worth. I wish I could see into the heads of others and see how they see me. I wish I didn't let people accept my surface, and actually forced them to look beyond into the real me. 

I wish I had taken a few chances that I was too cowardly to take. I regret not telling certain people I loved them because I was afraid they didn't feel the same way. 

Since it's the end of the world, take this chance to tell people how you really feel. Don't let them accept the superficial as reality. Take a chance. And most of all don't dwell on your regrets. 


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Don't Self Destruct!

Earlier someone posted that they didn't know what to do with themselves. I started thinking about some of the things I get into when I'm bored or restless. And even more if I'm hurt. 

People around me tend to say I run all the time. It's pretty true. 

"It's the idle man who is the miserable man." (Benjamin Franklin) 

I keep busy for many reasons. If I'm busy I don't have time to dwell on things. I don't have time to get sad. I don't have time to over analyze everything I've said and done, and what others have said and done. These are a few examples. Before I started having health issues, I was a terrible insomniac. I couldn't shut my brain down. It still happens at times. 

When I can't sleep I think about things that aren't and things that could be. I think about things I could have done better. Conversations where I should have said something, but didn't. Times where I said something when I would have been better off keeping my big mouth shut.

I dream about things that could be, or things I wish existed. Wide awake, I think about the things missing from my life, and beat myself up for messing things up. So many times I haven't taken steps I should have because of insecurities. I clam up completely when I'm unsure or insecure. I avoid saying things that should be voiced, and I say things best left unsaid.

This is why I stay busy. My life is not enriched by dwelling on things I can't change.

On the other hand, restlessness mixed with hurt is a recipe for disaster with me. Earlier this year I did a few things I'm really not proud of at all. I used someone to make myself feel better and to try to make someone else feel bad. To prove I didn't need that person, when I really did. I was the only one hurt by my actions. 

Sometimes I drink too much in an effort to forget my troubles, or to prove to anyone observing that I'm not bothered by someone else's indifference. Because what says nothings wrong better than drinking too much and getting sick? Again, all I manage to do is hurt myself. I flirt with people I'm not interested in, just to say -"Ha, you see??? I'm very desirable." What a laugh. Using people to make me feel better is the worse thing I do. I don't mean to hurt others, but at times I can't seem to help it. 

If I stay busy with things, I don't come up with these self-destructive schemes. I don't hate myself for things I shouldn't have done. I don't hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. I love my alone time, but when I'm insecure, that alone time just serves to feed my insecurities, which makes me a little whacked out. I will prove to everybody that there is nothing wrong. I act tough like I don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth. I care so much, it hurts at times. I just don't want people to know. I hate for people to see me vulnerable. Even those close to me. Perhaps especially those close to me.

So I stay busy to keep from self-destructing. I don't always succeed. Most of the time I do. But if there is one thing in life I've learned as it applies to me:

"Idleness is the root of mischief." (Chaucer)

Enough said.