Cut Yourself Off

Disclaimer - this is one of my bad attitude posts. Don't read if you are going to get offended.

The last two years I have been trying to cut myself off. To back away from the things I was dependant on in order to lessen the hurt when those things disappear.

For example, when I moved to Arkansas, I started calling my mom each night because I knew she missed me. I would tell her about my day, and talk about what was going on back at home. It made me less homesick and helped mom deal with the fact I moved to another state. I meant it to be a transition, but it got to where we did it every day when I got home from work. I became to depend on it. The hardest part of my mom getting sick and not making it was losing those daily talks. She knew me better than anyone else and she was my sounding board for almost everything.

After mom was gone, I realized I have to stand on my own. I can't depend on anyone else to meet that kind of need in my life. I purposely don't call home, not because I don't need the contact, but because if I don't make that contact, maybe it won't hurt as much if it's not there. I have to learn to be by myself someday. So after mom died, I backed off. Every couple of days, then once a week. I have to learn how to function without that crutch. God knows I have friends, for the first time in my life. I have people I can talk to. I try to spread that out though. No sense relying too heavily on anyone all the time.

I guess it is probably better I have no clue what is going on. That way I can't get upset, I have no opportunity to worry, and won't miss it at all when the sources dry up. I'm trying to get practice for when I'm completely on my own.

The moral of the story is cut yourself off from the pain before it really bites you in the ass. Then when the phone doesn't ring, or you hear things from second and third hand sources, it doesn't hurt when the people who should be communicating don't.

TMI

I apologize for sharing too much sometimes, but it's a free country. You may choose to read my stuff, or not. If you read my stuff you know I'm trying to be funny most of the time, but always real. And honest.

I'm not going to vilify someone for speaking their mind on facebook or any place else. I may disagree with you and argue with you about it, but I'm not going to be mean or call you names if your opinion varies from mine. I can be negative, but usually I'm being realistic. And I'm only mean to people who know me, and know I'm joking. They mean to me also, and I know they are joking too.

Most of us share too much information via facebook. Why do you think it is so addictive?

Since I moderately sure no one is reading my blog who is going to judge me for what I'm about to say, I'm going to share.

I am frustrated and scared and lonely and at this particular moment I really want to cry. I doubt that I'm doing the right thing, and I wonder if I'm becoming what I hate the most. Am I being self-destructive, or am I just going to self destruct? I know I'm hurting myself right now, and somehow I can't stop myself from doing it. Not everyone knows what I'm talking about, but if you do know I'm troubled. I haven't fallen into the "trap;" however I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Is this me? I'm not sure, and most of the time I don't care.

That's it for tonight. Sweet dreams.