If you're sleeping, are you dreaming?

The lines to a song..."If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me." - Blue October.

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I don't remember the details after, usually, but I remember the subject. Most of the time my dreams lately have been so normal and everyday. Mundane really. The only thing out of the ordinary is they all have a reoccurring theme. Until tonight.

Tonight I dreamt I was forced to watch something. That something was painful to watch and not something I want to be put through. It was sparked by something I heard someone say last night that I couldn't get out of my mind. It magnifies a particular fear I have, caused by anxiety of a certain situation in my life. This is not something that plagues me every minute of every day, but something that crosses my mind from time to time.

Maybe the dream wasn't caused by the fear itself, but what I did last night. I let an offhand comment get to me and cause me to do something I said I wouldn't. I always do this, and I hate it. It shows weakness on my part. I do not like to be perceived as weak. I gave in to an impulse, that I once again regret. So here I am at 4:15 a.m. wide awake, on the verge of tears from exhaustion. I've been wide awake since two, and I wasn't sleep well before then. Definitely a toss and turn night.

I believe whole heartily that our dreams tell us things if we pay attention, though rarely do they speak the same language as we do. What they mean, who knows? I used to keep a dream dictionary close at hand, but it only works if you can remember your dreams.

Tonight's dream I wish I could forget. It was too close to everyday life, and not something I want to see in my dreams or in real life. My alarm is set to go off in 30 minutes. I've only slept about two hours. I'm not looking forward to this day, but at least if I'm awake I won't be dreaming.

What is it about a new year?

At the turning of a new year, all of us seem to take inventory of our lives. What are we doing right, what are we doing wrong? Are there people we need to cut from our lives, or people we need to let in?


Why is it that a new year turns people into matchmakers? I think it is hilarious that once again someone attempts to set me up again on new years eve. In this case, they didn't quite get the guy there, but they told me he has seen my facebook, and seems interested. Of course, sometimes I think my facebook might scare anyone off. I tend to let it all hang out on my facebook. I'm always willing to meet new people because you never know what they will mean to your life.


I have spent the last few days really thinking about my life. I'm overall very happy, but there are definitely things missing from my life. And there are some very unhappy, sad, or scary things in my life. I over compensate for being sad by laughing too much. Someone recently told me I gave the impression of being silly and immature. Oh, if they only knew how off the mark they were. I'm actually a little too serious most of the time. I long for people in my life who don't allow me to take myself so seriously. I really just want to laugh. And have fun. BUT - I take my responsibilities very seriously.


I just saw the saddest thing while I was writing this. A friend of mine lost her fiance yesterday. They spent a fabulous new year's eve together, and he died the next day unexpectedly. This is real life, not a story. It makes me want to reevaluate my life completely.  I'm blown away.

If I have learned no other thing in life it is the carpe diem - seize the day. Why make yourself miserable? Why not grab the bull by the horns and take pleasure in the small things? And maybe the large things? There is a song with the words..."All the pleasure is worth all of the pain." Sometimes that is true. Why not take the pleasure and the fun as it comes? I can't regret the things I do in life. Life is too short.

I am thankful for all I have. Sure I want more, but I'm not going to spend my time lamenting over what I may be missing out on.