Fear is the enemy!!!

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death, and there are so many things going through my head today. I miss her so much, and would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her. There are so many things I would like to discuss with her, but alas it's not to be. I know she still listens to me. I just can't hear her replies.

I was talking with a friend about my show this past weekend, and he said that I looked like I had done that many times. It could not be further from the truth. Last Friday was the first time I just sang and performed in front of a crowd. Plays do not count, especially since when I have sang in plays, there hasn't been choreography. I am truly frightened of singing in front of people. It's something that I want to do, but I have fear that people will just think I suck. 

Another friend told me her peeps who came to the show discussed the bad and good performances. Since I wasn't mentioned at all, I was considered neither good or bad. She put it best, at least I wasn't bad. I could do it better. I decided to do the showcase to work on my confidence. It gets better all the time.

When I was younger, I was afraid of many things. Let's face it, who isn't? As I've gotten older, I have chosen to face down some of my fears. I always have had an irrational fear of drowning in a big ocean, so I decided to become a certified scuba diver. I'm scared of heights, so I go to the top of a mountain and look down. I'm afraid to sing in public, so I start taking voice lessons and audition for a musical. 1940s Radio Hour was the best musical ever to showcase singers. The songs were all great. I still owe Amy Talbert and Tom Redwine for giving me the chance to sing for them. I shook with fear, but I got the job done.

The harder things to face are my personal fears. The ones deep down and personal. The ones I hate to admit to, even to myself. These are the ones my mom understood without me having to say a thing. When I got sick, and found out in my 20s I probably wouldn't be able to have children, it took a long time to process. My deepest fear was I would fall in love with someone and as soon as they found out I was defective, they would drop me. I mean, who wants a woman who can't have kids? And honestly, at the time, I don't think I could have been with someone who didn't want a family. Now I've come to grips with it, and although I still want a family, I can deal with whatever possibility. 

I spent a long time detaching myself from people. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. To a certain extent, I still don't. I was almost destroyed once upon a time, and I don't want to open myself up to feel. I have trouble letting anyone get close. And I don't want anyone to see me cry. I have a very careful close group of friends. With those few, I let it all hang out. All the emotion, the anger, the sadness I feel. I have a larger group of friends who have no clue as to my insecurities. 

It's a constant struggle to open myself up to people and risk getting hurt. And no matter what anyone says, every deep down is afraid of getting hurt. It is the ultimate test to lay yourself open and be vulnerable. The last time I did, I was left hanging in the wind. To not be defensive and let people into your life. Some will be good, some will be bad, but to close yourself off, you will never be a complete person. And if you're lucky enough, you will find the person who can accept you flaws and all, and love and accept you anyway. 

Fear is the enemy, and no one should let it rule their life. Taking a chance is the only way to find true fulfillment and happiness. Otherwise, what you are doing just isn't living.

Rambling thoughts

I just got back from a conference on Andrews AFB. It was strange because I was rubbing elbows with some pretty important people. In fact, one of those important people offered to help me with a few things. Introductions and the like. I was impressed and people who know him well say he follows through if he says he will do something. That could be very beneficial to someone close to me.

I digress again, as I often do. I started a post when I came back from my last TDY. I didn't finish it though because it depressed me. When I got to the airport there were people lined up to welcome their loved ones home, and it struck me I rarely have anyone waiting for me. Then I got depressed and stopped writing. I would like to revisit though.

I think back to "When Harry Met Sally." Remember when Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan start talking on the plane? He said her relationship must be new because in a relationship you only take someone to the airport at the beginning. Once you've been together for awhile and the new has worn off, they stop taking you, or being affected in any way by your trip. I personally wouldn't know. They only people who have taken or picked me up from the airport are my parents and some of my best friends. And I am always very appreciative because it means I don't have to leave my car at the airport. 

It is so very nice for have someone waiting for you when you get home, but at the same time, after being with my co-workers for 18 hours a day for the five days, it was so nice to come home to peace and quiet. I took a bubble bath, poured a glass of wine, then cuddled up with my cats and a good book. Bliss!!

Still it does make me sad to come home alone. I spent the entire flight chatting with friends online. That was fun. I had to check work stuff, so I sprung for gogoinflight internet. I have to say, turning on pandora and chilling out on my computer made the flight go pretty fast. Of course, the minute I land - nothing. It's peaceful, but lonely. 

While I was chatting, a friend made a comment that upset me on several different levels. The situation is so incestuous, I'm not sure which aspect is more troubling. There is such a thing as too small of a world. On one hand, I feel like it was a shitty thing for one of these people to do this to me, however if I know one of them (and I do, very well), they didn't have a clue. That person's brain doesn't work on that wavelength. On another level, the fact that they didn't consider my feelings bothers me a great deal. There are some things that are off limits, and this crossed the basic line most people have. On the other side of this, I think the other person involved is using the first person to get back at me in some way. I noticed dagger looks coming at me when they thought I wasn't looking. How better to get back at me for some perceived slight than to use someone they know I care about? And again on the flip side, I didn't think that person was so petty. I'm not usually so wrong about people.

I may be wrong about the situation, but the offhand remark from my friend about it confirms my suspicions. To tie my thoughts back together, coming home to an empty apartment last night gave me too much time to think about what I heard last night.  I'm not going to dwell on it very long, because it's not worth my time. I just needed to talk to out. 

I have better things to worry about than people who care so little for me. I'll save my time for people who do care and write off people who don't.