I have been down lately. I admit it. I've reverted back to the glass half-empty. The truth is I don't do well when I'm unsure. I flounder when my goals are uncertain, when I'm scared, when I can't figure things out. Basically all the time.
I love to know things. I believe all knowledge is good. I can't stand not being in the know about something. It really drives me nuts. I admit I'm in a state of unsurity right now. I don't know what is going on, I'm being kept in the dark about things, etc. Basically I have no clue what is going anymore.
My problem now is I am a coward. I'm afraid of the answers I'm seeking, therefore I avoid the problem. I don't ask questions because I'm afraid I actually know the answers to the questions. I am currently driving everyone who talks to me crazy. Mostly because I hate confrontation. So I am running in circles like a hamster in a wheel making no progress whatsoever in resolving the sourse of my unease.
So now you know my secret, I'm really a non-confrontational coward. There will come a point when my patience at a lack of resolution runs out. At that point it's likely I will run away. Mostly because I'd rather run away than risk losing my temper by confronting the source of my frustration.
I really am a chicken. There you go.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Stranger than fiction
I usually try to create provocative titles for my blog, but I'm not feeling too creative tonight. I won't even pretend I had a great Thanksgiving. It wasn't bad, but I felt claustrophobic for some reason. I tried to schedule some "me" time, but it didn't work out too well. So I came home early, and I'm so glad because I am exhausted. However, that is not why I'm writing today.
Why is it we can be open and honest with complete strangers, or people we barely know? Why can we discuss things we might not want our friends or family or significant other to know with a stranger?
I spent Friday afternoon texting with a friend I haven't seen since I was 18 years old. I asked him to beat someone up for me facebook style. This request ended up turning into a conversation about things I really needed to talk about. It just happens that this particular friend has experience with the thing I was wondering about and he answered some questions for me. He also directed me to some reading material that might assist me. Today he even suggested I talk to someone else who might be able to help me even more.
Regardless of the subject, which I will not discuss here, there is someone else I should be discussing this with, but I don't and won't. I will go into intimate details of my life with people i barely know rather than confront things head on with the person I should be talking to about things. I am a chicken. I can talk about anything with anyone except the person I should discuss things with. In fact, I'm pretty sure I lost a friend I've known for 20 years because I told her something she didn't like and then she stopped speaking to me. I got punished for sharing something. I've shared the same thing with a few other people and although they are worried about me they are supportive and encouraging.
It is a fact that we either completely abuse the people we love verbally (believe me I don't lose my temper with strangers often), or we talk to anyone except them. I'm shy and sometimes I hate verbalizing what I'm thinking. There is something I really need to discuss with someone right now, but I don't know how to get to the subject. If I had the opportunity, I probably could, I just might have to hid my face under a pillow while I'm doing it.
How is it the people we love get the brunt of our bad stuff, but at the same time are the people we have trouble really talking to. Heart to heart talks are called that because that is exactly what they are. The problem is, most of us can't handle the intimacy of the heart to hearts.
I really don't have an answer or a resolution to this question. I know I need to talk to someone, but I can't. So in the meantime some "Strangers" are getting to listen to me and my problems. And sadly, every single one of them is male. I feel like I've reverted back to high school. Then again, these guys were my friends back then too. Most of them anyway. Thanks my friends, for listening to me. Maybe sometime soon I will work up my nerve enough to talk to the person who really needs to hear what I have to say.
Why is it we can be open and honest with complete strangers, or people we barely know? Why can we discuss things we might not want our friends or family or significant other to know with a stranger?
I spent Friday afternoon texting with a friend I haven't seen since I was 18 years old. I asked him to beat someone up for me facebook style. This request ended up turning into a conversation about things I really needed to talk about. It just happens that this particular friend has experience with the thing I was wondering about and he answered some questions for me. He also directed me to some reading material that might assist me. Today he even suggested I talk to someone else who might be able to help me even more.
Regardless of the subject, which I will not discuss here, there is someone else I should be discussing this with, but I don't and won't. I will go into intimate details of my life with people i barely know rather than confront things head on with the person I should be talking to about things. I am a chicken. I can talk about anything with anyone except the person I should discuss things with. In fact, I'm pretty sure I lost a friend I've known for 20 years because I told her something she didn't like and then she stopped speaking to me. I got punished for sharing something. I've shared the same thing with a few other people and although they are worried about me they are supportive and encouraging.
It is a fact that we either completely abuse the people we love verbally (believe me I don't lose my temper with strangers often), or we talk to anyone except them. I'm shy and sometimes I hate verbalizing what I'm thinking. There is something I really need to discuss with someone right now, but I don't know how to get to the subject. If I had the opportunity, I probably could, I just might have to hid my face under a pillow while I'm doing it.
How is it the people we love get the brunt of our bad stuff, but at the same time are the people we have trouble really talking to. Heart to heart talks are called that because that is exactly what they are. The problem is, most of us can't handle the intimacy of the heart to hearts.
I really don't have an answer or a resolution to this question. I know I need to talk to someone, but I can't. So in the meantime some "Strangers" are getting to listen to me and my problems. And sadly, every single one of them is male. I feel like I've reverted back to high school. Then again, these guys were my friends back then too. Most of them anyway. Thanks my friends, for listening to me. Maybe sometime soon I will work up my nerve enough to talk to the person who really needs to hear what I have to say.
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