It was no secret to those around me this weekend that I was deeply troubled. I barely made it through the weekend. I do not like being asked if I'm ok. I do not like people feeling sorry for me. And I really don't like people thinking I'm stupid. The fact that a combination of all three of those things was happening over the weekend made it almost unbearable for me at times. Poor stupid Laura - that is me. At least to most of the people I was around.
I went back and forth between mad and sad most of the weekend. Thursday night I spent most of the night crying because I went out on a date with someone because I could. Not a real good reason to go out with someone. Thank goodness the person didn't realize I was upset. As I told a friend Saturday morning, I can be a pretty good actress. On Friday night, I had to pull over on the side of the road for 10 minutes. I was crying too hard to drive. I tried to make it home. In fact, I surprised anyone let me drive myself home considering the state I was in Friday night. I was trying to keep a smile on my face since it was my birthday, but as soon as I was alone, I crashed emotionally. Again, poor stupid Laura. People were just shaking their heads at me again and asking if I was ok. NO - I wasn't ok. I promise I wasn't.
On Saturday, I was just depressed. I didn't want to speak to anyone at all. I was determined to get through Saturday night's performance and skip the cast party. I really didn't cry very much, until I started thinking about my mom. I almost always cry when I think of my mom. Instead of grabbing my heart pendant, the one I grab a lot when I'm upset to give me strength, I grabbed my mom's amethyst necklace. It is a beautiful thing that my friend and I "designed" for my dad to give to my mom for Christmas one year. Something in me prompted me to put it on Saturday. I had a mini cry for my mom then I got in the car to go get some new fake eyelashes before driving to rehearsal.
All afternoon Saturday I had been listening to Kelly Clarkson Radio on I Heart Radio. It was playing all of the songs I love. In fact, when I got in my car, it was doing so well on songs, I plugged it back in to listen. All of a sudden a song came on that shouldn't have. It didn't match the other songs. I looked down and saw Carrie Underwood and was getting ready to turn it off when I realized what song was playing. It was "Jesus, Take the Wheel." As I listened to words of a song I rarely listen to, tears started streaming down my face.
"And for the first time in a long time, she bowed her head to pray. She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life. I know I've got to change, so from now on tonight,
"Jesus, take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own.
"I'm letting go, so give me one more chance, to save me from this road I'm on."
God speaks to us in mysterious ways. I need to let go of so many things. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but this literally rocked me. I couldn't speak to anyone when I got to the play on Saturday because I was trying to process. I cannot remember another time when God has spoke to me as vividly as he did on Saturday. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do next.
