I Am a Coward

I have been down lately. I admit it. I've reverted back to the glass half-empty. The truth is I don't do well when I'm unsure. I flounder when my goals are uncertain, when I'm scared, when I can't figure things out. Basically all the time.

I love to know things. I believe all knowledge is good. I can't stand not being in the know about something. It really drives me nuts. I admit I'm in a state of unsurity right now. I don't know what is going on, I'm being kept in the dark about things, etc. Basically I have no clue what is going anymore.

My problem now is I am a coward. I'm afraid of the answers I'm seeking, therefore I avoid the problem. I don't ask questions because I'm afraid I actually know the answers to the questions. I am currently driving everyone who talks to me crazy. Mostly because I hate confrontation. So I am running in circles like a hamster in a wheel making no progress whatsoever in resolving the sourse of my unease.

So now you know my secret, I'm really a non-confrontational coward. There will come a point when my patience at a lack of resolution runs out. At that point it's likely I will run away. Mostly because I'd rather run away than risk losing my temper by confronting the source of my frustration.

I really am a chicken. There you go.

Stranger than fiction

I usually try to create provocative titles for my blog, but I'm not feeling too creative tonight. I won't even pretend I had a great Thanksgiving. It wasn't bad, but I felt claustrophobic for some reason. I tried to schedule some "me" time, but it didn't work out too well. So I came home early, and I'm so glad because I am exhausted. However, that is not why I'm writing today.

Why is it we can be open and honest with complete strangers, or people we barely know? Why can we discuss things we might not want our friends or family or significant other to know with a stranger?

I spent Friday afternoon texting with a friend I haven't seen since I was 18 years old. I asked him to beat someone up for me facebook style. This request ended up turning into a conversation about things I really needed to talk about. It just happens that this particular friend has experience with the thing I was wondering about and he answered some questions for me. He also directed me to some reading material that might assist me. Today he even suggested I talk to someone else who might be able to help me even more.

Regardless of the subject, which I will  not discuss here, there is someone else I should be discussing this with, but I don't and won't. I will go into intimate details of my life with people i barely know rather than confront things head on with the person I should be talking to about things. I am a chicken. I can talk about anything with anyone except the person I should discuss things with. In fact, I'm pretty sure I lost a friend I've known for 20 years because I told her something she didn't like and then she stopped speaking to me. I got punished for sharing something. I've shared the same thing with a few other people and although they are worried about me they are supportive and encouraging.

It is a fact that we either completely abuse the people we love verbally (believe me I don't lose my temper with strangers often), or we talk to anyone except them. I'm shy and sometimes I hate verbalizing what I'm thinking. There is something I really need to discuss with someone right now, but I don't know how to get to the subject. If I had the opportunity, I probably could, I just might have to hid my face under a pillow while I'm doing it. 

How is it the people we love get the brunt of our bad stuff, but at the same time are the people we have trouble really talking to. Heart to heart talks are called that because that is exactly what they are. The problem is, most of us can't handle the intimacy of the heart to hearts.

I really don't have an answer or a resolution to this question. I know I need to talk to someone, but I can't. So in the meantime some "Strangers" are getting to listen to me and my problems. And sadly, every single one of them is male. I feel like I've reverted back to high school. Then again, these guys were my friends back then too. Most of them anyway. Thanks my friends, for listening to me. Maybe sometime soon I will work up my nerve enough to talk to the person who really needs to hear what I have to say.

My Thanksgiving Video Blog

I taped this while I was driving home for Thanksgiving. I hope you enjoy the change of pace.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Those who know me well hardly view me as invisible, but I've lived my life as a shadow. I often call myself generic, and with good reason. I have doppelgangers everywhere. I have spent years with people telling me that they thought they saw me somewhere. I have had boyfriends and very close friends make this mistake. I think my family members are the only ones who have never said it about me.

I'm a wallflower. I'm the person in the background no one even notices is there. If you don't know me, you probably won't even be aware I exist. I've been saying for years, if I can get someone to talk to me, I can attract man, but the trick is getting them to talk to me. I'm not shy around men I'm not attracted to, only those I am attracted to.

The movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces" is about a woman who sees herself as unattractive and overweight. A woman who lives in the shadow of others who have beauty. She meets a man who is only interested in her because is is unattractive and she marries into a companionship relationship. A relationship completely based on friendship with no sex. Of course the man in the relationship is handsome although completely screwed up, as he wants someone he isn't attracted to. She marries him thinking a marriage without sex is better than a life alone. When her husband refuses to make love to her, and she reaches a point of total humiliation when she throws herself at him, she realizes she has to change. Not for her husband, but for herself.

Although I didn't have a total humiliation point where I threw myself at someone and got rejected, I had the epiphany where I realized I needed to change. Not for me, but for myself. I realized I wasn't happy the way I was and I needed to do something about it. So I quit smoking, I lost weight, and I started working out. None of this is for anyone else. I am doing it for myself.  I do realize that no matter what I do, I am still invisible. I will never be skinny again. I'm lucky if I don't kill myself exercising given my propensity for accidents. I am such a klutz. Remember the line from "Legally Blonde" where Reese Witherspoon's character says "Exercise creates endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people don't kill their husbands?" I'm still waiting for those endorphins to kick in, but for the most part I'm very happy.

What makes you want to settle for something? What if you don't see something as settling, but as a way to pass the time? What if you know something could easily blow up in your face, if you let yourself feel what your instinct say you could feel? What is every instinct in you is screaming at you to run far away because if you don't your going to find yourself hurt? What if you know without a doubt that getting hurt is the only way you can find out if you are capable of feeling anything? What is the defining moment when you decide to jump one way or the other? I don't know, I have absolutely no clue. I'm just living my life day to day, and hoping I'm making decisions that will do me the least amount of damage.

The mirror not only shows the way you see yourself, but the way others see you. It's a complicated way to think of things. If you can reconcile the two, then maybe you will achieve a state of bliss that so few of us ever achieve. I'm waiting on it. I'm waiting on the one who can see me for who I really am without the trappings, and can accept me as I am.

I am such a big fat fake!!!

I am a fake really. I am tough, and I am strong, but I am not an ice queen. I can pretend to shut down my emotions, but I don't. I can delay them a little while. I can pretend to be cold (I am an actress, remember), but truly I am one of the most emotional people you will ever meet.

I love with passion, I hate with passion. I'm not supposed to hate anyone, as it isn't a very Christian emotion, but there are some people who just get on my nerves. I don't particularly like to pretend to like people I don't, but I will  if the situation calls for tolerance. There are even people who I can't stand, but I do feel sorry for. I honestly believe life is way to short to surround yourself with people you can't like or respect. I can't stand liars. What is the purpose?

I may seem like a pretty happy person, and for the most part I am. However, below the surface I am raging with emotions. I took a class not to long ago called emotional intelligence. We took a test in the class, and I actually finished with the highest score. What that meant was I was the most perceptive in the class to other people's emotions as well as my own. It is really hard to function sometimes when you feel people annoyance, when you know people are being fake, when you can tell people are frustrated and you can't do anything about it. I can tell when people are happy, sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc. As long as those emotions aren't directed as me, I feel them. I do have a blind spot when it comes to my own situations.

I close myself off from others because I can't walk around absorbing everything. I can't handle it. And I'm single because I've yet to meet the man who can handle my emotions. Of course, it has been years since I've let my emotions go in that way. I'm not even sure I remember how to. I purposely put myself in situations where the other person is as emotionally detached as I pretend to be. I spend time with people who are emotionally unavailable, so that I won't have to risk feeling something. Of course, that is what makes be the big fat liar. I do feel things, I just pretend not to. The sad part if no one cares much whether I feel or not. It's probably why I've been able to remain friends with many of my ex boyfriends. I never lost control of my emotions and made a fool of myself.

One of my friends told me recently, that she wanted me to be happy. That love was worth the risk. If you don't open yourself up to it, then you are missing out on something that is worth everything. I do believe it is true. Love is worth the risk. However, I haven't learned life's lesson yet that tells me how to take a risk. I remember once upon a time, I asked someone out. This man had jokingly proposed to me one night while I was dating and out with someone else. He was drunk and basically said I should marry him, that we were meant to be. Just the fact that he had the opportunity to say this to me while I was out with a boyfriend, should have been a clue that the relationship with the first guy wouldn't work.

Fast forward one year. My boyfriend and I broke up and I needed a date to a formal affair. I called the second guy, and basicially said, ok - you want a chance with me, here's your chance, let's go. The only time in my life I really asked someone out. Needless to say, he said yes. On our first date, he told me he loved me. I started hyperventilating. Literally. He held me and told me he knew that scared the shit out of me, and it was ok if I didn't return the emotion. I about had a heart attack when he said I love you. I found out later he had been waiting for me. For years. He didn't wait alone the entire time, but I was always there in the back of his mind. Someone told me he had been in love with me for years and was waiting for me to be ready.

He wore me down eventually, and I did love him. He knew me very well. And if things had worked out differently, I would have married him like we planned, but it didn't. I have to say that experience shaped me. That was the last time I told someone I loved them, even if it wasn't the last time I've been in love. You would think after all of these years, I would have gotten over my fear of those "three little words," but I haven't. I think I would probably choke saying them.

The moral of this story is I do feel emotions. I love, I hate, I cry, I get sad, I get mad, and I get happy. I constantly ride a roller coaster of emotions that I rarely let others see. And I am seriously oblivious sometimes when it comes to my own situation. I also know the reason why my friends are worried about me right now is they don't think I can stay detached. The answer is I probably can't stay detached. God only knows all of the tears I've cried over everything that is going on in my life right now. I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated and lonely. It's the lonely I feel the most. I am a fake. I'm tough on the outside (and on the inside too), but I am also and emotional creature. I've just learned not to be ruled by them. I can pretend they aren't there, but I'm a liar. I feel so much at times it hurts.

"Sometimes I wonder, where I've been. Who I am, do I fit in? Make believing is hard alone, Out here on my own." -

Criticism - not welcome here!

I am upset right now. No denying the emotion. I'm angry and hurt and a little indignant. I will not get into the reasons too much, but I have to address the emotions.

People who know me well know I'm negative. I tend to pick apart situations and play the devil's advocate. My bosses hate that about me as much as the love that I have the skill. I try to balance my negative and positive, but the negative wins most of the time. Since I moved to San Antonio, I have been making a concerted effort to be positive. Most friends who have known me forever have been very impressed by my positive attitude overall. One friend told me he used to think I was a miserable person, but now loves the way I embrace life, and take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

There are some who don't let me vent. Who don't let me get things off my chest. Who refuse to listen to anything they perceive as negative. I mentioned earlier in the summer I was scared of something. Petrified actually. The response I got was just stop being scared, don't worry about it, go with the flow. I pray to God on a semi regular basis to help me do this, but I don't know how to stop worrying about some things. I tried to explain, and the person shut me down. I started crying. When they started to make a comment about me crying, I yelled at them that worrying is what I do, and I can't be sunshine and roses all the time. I can't shut it off fear at will. I'm not an ice queen. That particular issue has been resolved, and it turned out I had nothing to worry about, but those who knew why I was scared, know I had justification for my fear. Only two people know what I did to resolve my fear.

You should be able to honest with your friends. You should be able to tell them what you are doing, what your are feeling without worrying about recriminations. One friend of mine recently told me she was worried about me, and thought I was making a mistake, but she wanted me to be happy. She also told me she had a speech prepared for when the situation blew up in my face, but until then, she would support me in whatever I chose to do. That is friendship. Others basically lectured me to death then proceeded to bar me from speaking about my situation ever again. It's not much of a friendship when one person refuses to let the other person talk about anything.

I'm used to criticism about my person. I am negative; I'm too fat; my hair looks bad; am I going to wear that; I saw your twin (yes I'm generic looking, I know this); I'm too slow; I'm too emotional; I'm a bitch; etc. I've heard it all. I can handle these things from random people, but not from my friends. At least not constantly. Tell me something once, don't harp on it. I really am a contrary person. Disapproval usually makes me go the exact way someone disapproves.

Speak your piece, but leave the constant criticism at the door. Express your doubts and move on with your life. Let me move on with mine. I don't need your criticism. I criticize myself enough without your help. I'm sad that it is such an issue. It shouldn't be. It really shouldn't. That isn't what friendship is supposed to be.

Bittersweet Symphony



Me about 30 minutes before the race.



Today I completed the San Antonio Edition of the Rock N Roll Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. And with the amount of other walking today, I'm sure I walked/jogged at least 15 miles. I am absolutely amazed with myself for achieving this accomplishment.

Back in the good old days in grade school, there used to be a thing called the President's Physical Fitness Test (or something like that). They had you do a variety of physical exercises and if you achieved a certain percentile, you were given an away. Things like sit-ups, chin-ups, push-ups and running. They wanted you to run a mile. I always aced every part of that fitness test, except the run. I was a sprinter, and pretty fast at times. I didn't do track in school because I could never run very far, and to me track meant long distance running.

Now look at me, I still didn't run the entire way, but by gosh, I walk/jogged 13.1 miles today. I am so not a runner. And frankly, a little over a year ago I nearly weighed 250 pounds. Heck, 19 months ago I was a pack-a-day smoker, and had been for 18 years. In in summer of 2010 could barely walk a few miles, much less run them. I've come a long way in a year's time. A long way. When I started this back in May, I was barely eight weeks out from my hysterectomy. I had just moved to San Antonio, and I was weak. When I did my pace run, I was so slow. I have managed to keep about the same pace run/walking as I did on my all run at two miles. I really did intend to run the entire time, but when my hip started bothering me at the beginning, then I over used my ankle, causing a sprain in August, I knew I couldn't run the entire way.

I say this was a bittersweet experience. It is partly because I started this journey with a friend. This friend has been down this road a few times and encouraged me to try it. Unfortunately, I ended the journey alone today. I had thought I was going to share it with my run group, but after being told three times how great the park and ride was, I got the hint that I wasn't going to be included in the final race day festivities. I would say it was because they weren't nurturing people, but really just only to each other. I was told I'd find a run buddy and make friends during run club and I would bond with others, but I didn't. I ended up running alone 95% of the time, and I barely spoke to anyone outside of my group. My group took a group picture today, and I didn't see one of them. I cried when I saw the picture. I may be a loner, but not being included still hurts.



I am so happy to have achieved this particular goal. I made it 13.1 miles in a respectable time for a walker/jogger. I will be able to say for the rest of my life that I "ran" a half marathon. However I will always remember that I spent today alone. At least I had others checking on me. Friends are a wonderful thing. I'm not sure what I would do without some of my friends sometimes. At least someone cared that I finished.



My medal for completing the race engraved with my race time
of 3:05:57. Not bad for a first timer with a bad knee and a bum hip.



So today was a bittersweet symphony. It was such a high, but such a low at the same time. I've said it several times today, but I can see me doing 5Ks and maybe an occasional 10K, but I doubt I will do another half-marathon unless I get my hip and knee problems resolved. It is just too painful. Why do the painful thing when there are so many other things I love to do?

"It's a bittersweet symphony, this life."

Goodbye from a Rock N Roll Half Marathon finisher. I made it!!!

2,000 - Wow!!!

I can't believe my blog hit 2,000 page views today. I'm still not sure why anyone would want to read my stuff, but I'm going to go with it for now. The writing has been a cathartic experience.

Someone recently said to me, why don't you write a book. This is a not so secret ambition of mine and has been for a very long time. No high brow stuff for me though -- if I do write a book it will be a trash romance novel. Probably. I've even had people tell me I should just tell my stories. I can't think anyone would want an entire book of me. Although, it is something to think about. When I was engaged (ages ago), my fiance and I talked about me writing a book. We even talked about setting up an office for me to write. Alas, something went wrong there, and I blocked out my ambition to write a book. Fortunately, I've made it to a point in life where I can revisit that ambition. On the ex fiance - I will never blog about that. If you want to know about that you will need to ask me in person.

I want to thank everyone for the support. I'm a little sad this week (and frustrated), so I'm trying not to blog too much. I wouldn't want to blog something I'd regret. I'm going back and forth between sad and mad. As a wise friend of mine said earlier - alcohol and social media don't mix. After the race this weekend, I am going to be reevaluating a few things.

Until another time -- Laura

Who's Going to Comfort You?

We all face hard times. We all get sad. We all long, even deep down in the recesses of our heart, for someone to comfort us when we are sad. 

The entire time my mom was sick, I think I would have done anything for someone to just hold me while I cried. No words required. Just put their arms around me and let me let go. To be able to lean on anyone for a time would have been relief. My friends were there for me to vent to, and even cry to, but they couldn't for a minute help relieve the physical and mental burden I had. I couldn't physically lean on anyone. God knows we all had our issues, but I tried to stay strong.

I wish I had someone to help me with my debt and the mental anguish and guilt that comes with it. My mom's illness basically took all of my savings and started me on the road to debt. Then I got sick again. My medical bills have been astronomical. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had the backup I lost after three months without pay.  Then to add onto my medical bills, what do I do, but move to another state. I am so far in debt that all I do is pay bills.

My weight loss program didn't help either. I dropped down five sizes. I've had to replace my entire wardrobe. Clothes are expensive. More debt please. I'm counting the day until I get my car paid off so I can use that money to pay down my debt. Alas, this is only one of my stresses. It wears me down and brings me low to know I've done this to myself.

Back to the subject, it is rare I get physical comfort from anyone. I'm not a touchy feely type of person. I don't invite that kind of physical contact from people. I've had to adjust to people hugging down here. I feel like I jump when people touch me sometimes. I would really do anything to be able to cry on someone. The last person I cried on literally picked me up, dumped me in a car drove me home, carried me up the stairs to my apartment then dumped me on the floor before leaving me curled in a ball.

That was the last time I let myself cry on someone else. He was so horrified by my emotions he dumped me on the floor of my apartment. Is it any wonder I don't let my feelings show? My friends and family know I'm one of the most emotional people you will ever meet. I am passionate and even affectionate at times. I am trapped, however, in box when it comes to showing emotion out of my comfort zone. I really am a big fat fake. I'm not cold-hearted or ice cold. My emotions are usually in a fiery blaze, but I'm not going to show it because my emotions scare people off. I will keep things close to the vest because otherwise, I will end up curled up in a ball on the floor alone once again.

I don't really get comfort from anyone. Not the physical kind I need at times. Mental comfort is there is spades, but physical comfort is sorely lacking in my life. This is something I need to evaluate. Why is it I seem to scare people off, and what can I do to change the fact?

Think about who comforts you. Is it your spouse, your child, your family? Who is there for you when you are sad? Right now, I can't really answer that question.

Crossing the Line

Of late I have been getting the strangest emails, instant messages and texts from people. Oh, who am I kidding? I've been getting them from men.

It is interesting really. Should I be offended that men I've known for years are coming out of the woodwork to flirt with me again? Is it Facebook, is it the fact that I'm happy again, or is it the fact I'm halfway skinny again? I'm not really sure, but I'm guessing it is somewhere in the middle of all that. I find it hilarious that all of a sudden I'm getting flirted with by men I haven't seen since they were boys. Although not all of them are old acquaintances.

These messages range from the "why are you online at four in the morning" to "damn you look good." Some are just saying hello, others I've been texting back and forth with on a semi regular basis. Strangely I have talked through some of my issues in this manner, and gotten advice or validation as you will. One of my friends keeps telling me to "f*ck it" and have fun. You only live once. That particular friend has made me feel so much better about my recent choices. For the most part, I'm having fun and there is no harm done with any of my chats. I'm enjoying the attention, and God knows its been awhile since I have gotten much attention.

However there is a line between harmless and creepy. These guys I've know forever are friends. I know them. I know the rules, the lines, the limits. If they cross them, I tell them. I've always been a girl who hangs with the guys. I couldn't do that if I got offended easily. One of the guys apologized to me the other night for what he texted me, and I said bullshit, you're not sorry. He replied that he was because he considers me a sweet, kind, and beautiful lady. He didn't want to offend me. I know its true, because I know him. There is nothing wrong with risque, but really you need to know me first.

I have some stranger friends on Facebook. Mostly through apps, but some who I met through mutual friends. A funny comment every once in a while is fine. It's when you keep going. If I don't respond, it usually means I'm offended, or just creeped out. I really don't like random people to ask me to be their girlfriends, or tell me they are waiting for me in the wings.

You don't know me. I'm a complicated person, and frankly flirting sometimes takes a lot of effort. It is effortless with friends. Not something I have to think about. These men know me, and know I am so much more than a flirt. They know I'm intelligent, professional, and pretty buttoned up most of the time. I've been accused of being a librarian or a school marm. I wear glasses, I read contracts all day, I love law, I love to read, I am a total nerd. I am a wallflower. On Halloween, again I might have well been invisible, as I was with my friend. We were walking around, and everywhere we went, men were trying to stop her. I was invisible, something I am used to being. I'm ok with that.

I will come out to play on my terms. I really don't think its funny when you go over the top with inappropriate comments. I'd like to note not only can my father view my facebook, but my niece and nephews. Think about what you say. I can explain old friends. It's not funny to be inappropriate with a complete stranger. If I'm interested, I will let you know. Otherwise -- LAY OFF!!! You are crossing the line.