Monday, March 19, 2012

Sentimental Fool

Pretty Texas Bluebonnets!!!
Today I posted a picture I took as my co-worker and I were driving back to 90 after picking up Chinese food for lunch. Since I wasn’t driving, I had the opportunity to really look around and I saw Bluebonnets everywhere.  I am literally overwhelmed.

During my stint in Arkansas 2004-2011, only once was I home during Bluebonnet season. I constantly missed them during my time at Walmart. One year, my nephew, Cole, picked some Bluebonnets and put them in Styrofoam cup and gave them to me for my birthday. I took them all the way back home with me and put them on my desk at work. I made sure everyone who wasn’t from Texas got a good look at the Texas state flower.

Last Tuesday, I took the exit to Military from 90 and I saw my first Bluebonnets. Tears literally started streaming down my cheeks. I had to stop myself from really bawling as I was on my way to rehearsal. The truth is I was so overcome with emotion. It was like a homecoming. Seeing the Bluebonnets it was like I was finally home again.

It may surprise people to know I’m a tad bit sentimental. There are sometimes when I cry at the silliest things. There is one romantic comedy that has literally had me curled up into a ball crying because the happiness of the ending. I’m too embarrassed to admit which one it is. In fact, it used to be one of my favorite movies, but after my cry fest the last time I watched it, I have never been able to watch it again. It reminds me too much of the things I’m missing out on in my life.

On Wednesday, I will indulge in another sentimental activity. I’m going to see an old movie that is showing for one day only in theaters. This one doesn’t actually have a happy ending, but is still considered one of the most romantic movies ever made. I am going to see Casablanca. Not only is it sentimental, it is also one of the most quoted (and misquoted) movies ever made. I haven’t seen it in years, and never in the theater.  It was fate that I chose to get up out of my sickbed on Sunday afternoon and go to the movies with my bff. If I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have seen the ad for the movie. And even better, it is showing only at the theater closest to my house. I can’t wait.

The only sad thing is I will end up going by myself. I would love company, but that is not going to happen. There aren’t too many people as sentimental as me, and I really don’t let too many see me in that state. I may get teary eyed. I wish there was someone who was available to share this event with me. I would really like to share this wonderful movie.

That being said, I will go to the movie by myself and pig out on popcorn, bring lots of tissues and cry when she boards that plane. Who cares? If I look a little strange by myself then frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Passive Agressive - That's me!

I have been blowing up my both my Facebook and Twitter accounts the past few days. I have so much emotion to get out of me that I'm not sure what to do with it. It was so bad today, when I found a penny in my salad, I started crying. I have to get it out somehow, and somehow tweeting, and other written communications are less harmful than the other things I tend to do. Please don't read any further if you get offended or shocked. Also, if you don't want to hear me eviscerate myself, stop reading now. I'm going to be a little blunt.

Ok - you are still here. When I was young I used to hit things. Or kick things. I ended up getting x-rays quite a few times because I bruised and sprain my hands so much. I once broke someones nose twice (about a year apart in time). I kicked a hole in the wall of one of my apartments in college, once. This was after I pulled over for doing 88 in a 55 MPH zone. The cop who gave me a ticket that particular day told me I was going to kill myself, and I told him I didn't really care if I died. That day I didn't care. What happened to cause the events that day still haunts me. I try not to let those events rule my life, but they come back and haunt me at times. And the sad thing is there were only two people in the world who knew the effect it had on me, and unfortunately one of those people is dead.

In addition to hitting things I used to yell a lot. I threw some champion temper tantrums. I would scream and yell like a big baby and order people around. I was hell to live with if I didn't get my way. Doing this didn't do anything except run people off. I had a tendency to scare people. Intimidate. I hate that I lose control like that. So I've worked on that tendency. I rarely lose my temper now.

I have not, however, found a way to vent my frustration and anger in a productive fashion. Now I do things that have the ability to cause me damage. I drink too much at times to deal with stress. It's the times when I'm hurt or unsure that I really do bad things. Like say things I shouldn't. And especially do things I shouldn't.

Not too long ago I was hurt. Very hurt. And I ended up sleeping with someone I shouldn't have. In fact, to put it bluntly I had a one night stand. The sad part is it wasn't a stranger. I get into these moods and I just want to turn off my excessive emotion. And there is nothing colder than what I did recently. I could really care less and if it had been a stranger I wouldn't be dealing with the consequences. I don't know what to do when they come back. I'm used to them leaving.

I've come to the conclusion no one really wants me. Except for things that I'm sometimes willing to give. Not for anything meaningful. At least not anyone I actually want to be with. I can't make myself feel something for someone if I don't. I've had some of the best make friends in the world that I love to death. I would have given anything if I could have fallen for them. I'm blunt and honest, and pretty straightforward about things, so people always assume certain things about me. Yesterday I said I was tired of a certain aspect of my life. This is it - I'm tired of men thinking of me as an object. Yes - I flaunt it sometimes, but its because if I didn't turn on, I'd fade into the background and no one would know I was alive. I went out the other night and I was not in the mood, and I turned off. I was literally invisible.

So, when I'm feeling things, I put them out there. Just not directly. I rarely say things to the people who need things said to them. I try to put it out there so someone will see. And as someone said yesterday, it is sad. I'm a sad lonely individual just like one of the kids said. I should just resign myself to life alone, because its going to take a strong person to deal with what you are reading now. I'm self destructive, especially when I don't know what is going on, and I'm clueless right now.

And I do know passive aggressive isn't pretty.

Friday, March 9, 2012

A Small Measure of Peace

It is probably obvious to anyone who reads my blog, or my Facebook posts, or especially my tweets, that I have been on a gigantic roller coaster for months. My ups and downs have been epic. There haven't been a lot of in-betweens. 


I have been trying to work through a particular situation I have found myself in. In November, you may have caught a blog about losing a friend. Well, this situation was indirectly, or perhaps directly responsible for the loss. My friend didn't really approve. I really think when it still wasn't resolved after two months, she couldn't deal with it. It has been over six months now, and nothing much has changed. Except everything has changed. For better or worse, I think resolution will come soon. In some ways I don't want resolution, but mainly because I'm a coward who would rather stay with the status quo than risk making a change. At least in the case.


Last night I prayed about it. This is not something I do very often, and talk about even less. I pray for others. Usually small, quick prayers. I rarely let it all out there. I actually have prayed very little since my mom died. I think I prayed when I was trying to quit smoking, and when I was pondering the decision to accept the job in San Antonio. Other than that, I don't really remember much. I prayed a little last summer, as I do at times, to help me figure out if I was doing the right thing. That particular prayer is one that has been reoccurring most of my life. The funny thing is that it was answered in a way it had never been before. Seriously I've asked for the same thing at various points in my life, and last summer was the first time I got an answer. It led me to where I am right now.


I have been troubled this week for a few reasons. After a few events this week, my worry and self-doubt have escalated. I'm perplexed and frightened and unsure. And I did all I could do, and now I get to wait. I am doubtful the outcome I desire will happen, as much as I would like it to occur. I'm afraid to get my hopes up as I don't want to be shattered. I'm in turmoil. 


Last night I handed my worry over to the only one capable of handling it - GOD. I prayed for the strength to let go of my worry. I prayed for resolution and a small measure of peace. I can't worry about it anymore. I have so much worry in my life, I need to learn to let go. I know that isn't completely possible, but I feel more at peace then I have in a long time. 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Drunken Utterances

If you ever drink alcohol, chances are some time in your life you have drank too much and done or said something you regret. You may not even remember doing what it is you did, but usually there is a friend to remind you of your stupidity so the embarrassment can live on. 


I said something this weekend I shouldn't of said to someone I really shouldn't have said it to. I won't regret it. What I regret is a took something that isn't trivial and made it seem so. A friend the other night said that I was so cute in the way I talk so bluntly and open about things. There are some things I do talk bluntly about. Lately I have been very open about my dating life to friends. I would be anyway, but my talk lately have been very strategic, and used to mask something I'm trying not to show the world. What I'm trying to hide is not something I will share here, but I will explain what I'm trying tell the world.


When I set my mind to it, I can find dates and I can get men interested in me, despite my dating sabbatical in Arkansas. And yes, I admit it, I didn't go on many dates in Arkansas. In fact, there were very few people I even wanted to go out with. I can think of only one crush I had the entire time I was there. I think my illness and my weight gain (caused by my illness), caused me to lose my self-confidence. And there is the fact for years I was in a lot of pain, and I didn't want to be touched. It makes it really difficult to date when you don't want to be touched.  A year ago today, I took care of the problem that was causing me pain. That happened on the tail end of my diet where I lost almost 80 pounds. I actually did hit the 80 pound mark post surgery, but I gained about five back and I have kept it around the 75 pound mark since then. 


I periodically decide I will go out on dates. And each time I have done that since moving to SA, I have succeeded. I have even gone out with some men who I genuinely like. Even though there have been a few losers in there. When I get into this kind of mood, and my determination kicks in, I typically succeed. The problem is I'm doing it to say I did it. To prove to myself I can so out and have a good time. Then I talk about it. It makes me feel younger. It makes me feel like I did back in the day. That being said, dating makes me tired. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie or read or get on the computer or work out. And yes, I did say work out (yay me!!!). It really goes against my nature to date around and see different people, but doing so makes me not feel as old. Being in menopause at my age has really messed with my psyche. 


But regardless of how I feel about it, until my circumstances change, I will periodically make the effort to date people, and if I go out on two dates, with two different men in two days, yeah you will probably hear about it. Oh, did I mention a couple of weeks ago I went out two different men in two days? Last fall I had three different dates one week and was asked out by a fourth man. The sad part is I've done better than that, but not for a long time. 


Going back to drunk talking, this weekend I said something a little more bluntly than I meant it. I made something seem trivial that isn't. I really hate that I did that. And even better, a friend of mine also said some things in a drunken state regarding me and the same thing I accidentally talked about. The bad thing is she doesn't recall what she said, but it's fine. The result of these drunken utterances is I'm going to have to work through an issue I have been dealing with for a few months. The one I have been trying to hide, even from myself. 


Sometimes letting your guard down, even if it is by artificial means, is a good thing. As a result of all of this, I have said some things that needed to be said. I wish I could say I've said them all, but there are still a few things outstanding. They will be resolved soon I hope, but it's one painfully slow step at a time. 


In the meantime, I will try not to be embarrassed by what I said to the wrong person the other night. I will have to face them soon, so I need to get over it. I will try not to open my big mouth about this particular subject again.