I have been blowing up my both my Facebook and Twitter accounts the past few days. I have so much emotion to get out of me that I'm not sure what to do with it. It was so bad today, when I found a penny in my salad, I started crying. I have to get it out somehow, and somehow tweeting, and other written communications are less harmful than the other things I tend to do. Please don't read any further if you get offended or shocked. Also, if you don't want to hear me eviscerate myself, stop reading now. I'm going to be a little blunt.
Ok - you are still here. When I was young I used to hit things. Or kick things. I ended up getting x-rays quite a few times because I bruised and sprain my hands so much. I once broke someones nose twice (about a year apart in time). I kicked a hole in the wall of one of my apartments in college, once. This was after I pulled over for doing 88 in a 55 MPH zone. The cop who gave me a ticket that particular day told me I was going to kill myself, and I told him I didn't really care if I died. That day I didn't care. What happened to cause the events that day still haunts me. I try not to let those events rule my life, but they come back and haunt me at times. And the sad thing is there were only two people in the world who knew the effect it had on me, and unfortunately one of those people is dead.
In addition to hitting things I used to yell a lot. I threw some champion temper tantrums. I would scream and yell like a big baby and order people around. I was hell to live with if I didn't get my way. Doing this didn't do anything except run people off. I had a tendency to scare people. Intimidate. I hate that I lose control like that. So I've worked on that tendency. I rarely lose my temper now.
I have not, however, found a way to vent my frustration and anger in a productive fashion. Now I do things that have the ability to cause me damage. I drink too much at times to deal with stress. It's the times when I'm hurt or unsure that I really do bad things. Like say things I shouldn't. And especially do things I shouldn't.
Not too long ago I was hurt. Very hurt. And I ended up sleeping with someone I shouldn't have. In fact, to put it bluntly I had a one night stand. The sad part is it wasn't a stranger. I get into these moods and I just want to turn off my excessive emotion. And there is nothing colder than what I did recently. I could really care less and if it had been a stranger I wouldn't be dealing with the consequences. I don't know what to do when they come back. I'm used to them leaving.
I've come to the conclusion no one really wants me. Except for things that I'm sometimes willing to give. Not for anything meaningful. At least not anyone I actually want to be with. I can't make myself feel something for someone if I don't. I've had some of the best make friends in the world that I love to death. I would have given anything if I could have fallen for them. I'm blunt and honest, and pretty straightforward about things, so people always assume certain things about me. Yesterday I said I was tired of a certain aspect of my life. This is it - I'm tired of men thinking of me as an object. Yes - I flaunt it sometimes, but its because if I didn't turn on, I'd fade into the background and no one would know I was alive. I went out the other night and I was not in the mood, and I turned off. I was literally invisible.
So, when I'm feeling things, I put them out there. Just not directly. I rarely say things to the people who need things said to them. I try to put it out there so someone will see. And as someone said yesterday, it is sad. I'm a sad lonely individual just like one of the kids said. I should just resign myself to life alone, because its going to take a strong person to deal with what you are reading now. I'm self destructive, especially when I don't know what is going on, and I'm clueless right now.
And I do know passive aggressive isn't pretty.
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