Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me 
Something is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!" - Defying Gravity from the musical "Wicked"


A good friend of mine called me a chicken not too long ago. He said I was so scared, that I would never take a leap. At least not on something that really mattered. Odd conversation, huh?

Basically, he was talking about matters of the heart. He said that until I let myself be completely vulnerable by laying it all on the line, I was never going to reap the ultimate reward - love.

Taking a leap of faith, trusting another person, with what you hold dear is a frightening thing. Giving your heart to another person is ultimate human experience. It requires trust. It requires you to be vulnerable. Because only when you bare it all will you be able to reap the benefits and gain all of the rewards.

I admit to myself at least, that I have trouble doing this. The last time I took that leap it left me broken, bleeding and damaged. For years afterwards, I dated like I was out for revenge. I would not let anyone get close to me. I didn't want to be vulnerable. This doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for some of the men I dated. It just means I wouldn't let go of my pride long enough to show them I cared. As a result, these relationships never went anywhere. Was it completely my fault? No - not at all. That street goes both ways.

I've said before that my ex when we broke up told me I needed to look to myself and figure out what I want from life. And I need to stop holding back everything. He called me a fake because I never let anyone really see the real me. While that isn't true, it is true that I was never completely myself with him. Probably because I could never figure him out. I didn't know from day to day if I'd be dealing with Mr. Cool or Mr. Sickeningly Sweet. Ultimately I got to deal with Mr. Douche Bag. He really knocked my self-steem down, but his actions and words caused me to do a lot of self-examination. 

I spook. I understand this about myself. I'm afraid of intensity of emotions - mine or others. What I have figured out is I need to be honest about this in a relationship. And once I find the right person, he will understand that about me. And if he is the right person, he will have patience with me and understand sometimes I need space. The space is only so I can work my head through things. I do shut down sometimes. It may only be for a few minutes, but it could be for a few hours. Once I work my head through my problems, I'm usually fine. Just because I freak out and shut down doesn't mean I don't think the person I'm with is capable of helping me cope, it just means I need to straighten things out in my head before I proceed. 

I want to defy gravity and make a blind leap, I just need to know there is at least a possibility of a net if I fall. I don't have to see the net, just know there could be one. 

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

Forgive and Forget

I was reminded last night of one of my fatal flaws - I'm not very forgiving. My mom used to say that if someone, for lack of a better word, betrayed me for the most part they cease to exist in my eyes. They might as well be dead for all I care. This was true when I was younger, but as I've aged I'm a little better, to a point.

Trust is a big thing with me. I'm a pretty honest person, and I value honesty and integrity in those around me. If someone lies to my face about something, I'm not going to have much trust in them in the future. I once had a co-worker who was a compulsive liar and one-upper. If she thought anyone was outdoing her or getting more attention than her, she would make up these incredible stories to get herself attention. You know like she was a Victoria's Secret model. Because VS hires ugly 5'2" models with bad teeth and hair for their catalogs. Those little things I tended to ignore because they didn't effect me, but when she started lying about work issues, and trying to sabotage me with co-workers, I lost it. I felt sorry for her because of her upbringing (assuming it was true), then I realized she was just a useless human being. I have never been so glad to see the back of someone when I moved back to Texas.

I also can't stand it when people don't follow through with their promises. If I promise to do something, I will move heaven and high water to follow through on my promise. And if for some reason I can't, I send apologies, explain, and vow to make it up to people. I can't stand it when people make plans to do something and back out at the last minute (unless emergencies come up). And the bigger the plans, the worse it is. 

This is all background for me. Now I tend to tolerate those who I don't trust with more grace than I did when I was younger, but to tolerate and forgive and forget are two different things. There is always something in the back of my mind thinking this person is worthless.

There are somethings that happen to individuals where the betrayal just rocks your world. Where you are blindsided when a person you thought was on your side, suddenly knocks you off your feet. The type of thing where you have trouble looking at the individual without feeling that betrayal. What do you do? I mean I can forgive after time, but to forget? Maybe if absence is a factor, but to see someone everyday after they have stuck a knife in your back makes it very difficult to either forgive or forget. It causes bitterness.

I don't have a lot of forgiveness in me at times. I do get bitter. I try to tolerate and put things aside, but there are times I can't. I don't even come close. I have been blessed in the fact that no one who I can't easily remove from my life has made me feel this way. Others are not so lucky. If someone can tell me how to eradicate resentment and bitterness, I'd love to know. It's not really in me. And I have nothing but the greatest sympathy for those who know that feeling. I have the greatest envy for people who can forgive and forget. I'm just never going to be one of those people.

Welcome to Club Gushy

Last night I had a Girls Night In with a friend of mine. It consisted of bad food, alcohol, gossip and a chick flick. What would a girls night be without a chick flick? 

In this case, we pulled out the romances. We had all sorts of choices, but when I realized one of the girls had never seen it, I insisted on "A Walk in the Clouds." This is an 1995 Keanu Reeves movie that I love. Not only is it a visually beautiful movie, it's romantic and sexy. Which is funny, because there is no sex in the movie. However it is very sensuous. 

I won't bore you with the plot line of the movie in case you haven't seen it, but there are two scenes in the movie that get me every time. The first is when there is a frost (it's set in a vineyard). The main couple have to smoke the grapes to keep the frost from ruining the crop. Everyone comes out in their nightclothes, and puts on wings to fan the smoke. It is so sensual when she shows him how to help save the grapes, you just sigh.

The second scene is after the harvest. The female lead gets to crush the grapes and it is a dance. Fast forward they are both covered in grape juice, clothes all wet, when they run to a bedroom and kiss one of the sexiest kisses ever. It is so obvious they want each other that the screen sizzles with it. There's a problem though - he's married to someone else. He pulls back from their kiss and looks at her and says something along the lines of "I want you more than you could ever imagine, but I'm not free." Then he walks away. It gets me every time.

Anyway there was a lot of sighing going on during the movie last night. I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Seeing the big movie finale with a happy ending gets me going. In this case, this honorable, not to mention sexy, guy sacrifices his happiness for the woman he loves. (Plot Spolier) His was a wartime marriage - they knew each other two days and were separated for four years. When he came home they realized they had nothing in common and didn't like each other, but they were married. In the end, the marriage was annulled. Doesn't everyone want someone who is that loyal, even to their own detriment?

So I told a friend I was feeling all romantic and gushy last night. They responded "Welcome to the Gushy Club, We're happy you could join us." I said I didn't want to join the gushy club. I rarely get gushy at all. It's only in spurts. And I haven't been gushy towards someone in a very long time. 

Point of this is when I find the right person, the gushy will come out. It's in me. I just haven't found the right person to let it loose on - yet! At that point, I'll be a member of the gushy club, too.  Just not on Facebook. Never on Facebook. I'll keep my gushy to myself. 

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

"Never love anybody you treats you like your ordinary." - Oscar Wilde

I recently posted this pic on my Facebook timeline. It reminded me of a few things I need not forget. And things everyone should realize. 

My ex-boyfriend and I were walking in the mall one day. Technically we were broken up and he spent the entire day telling me why we were wrong for each other. The part that sticks out to me about that day is he said brown hair and blue-eyed girls in Texas were a dime dozen in Texas. I looked at him and said, "So you're saying you think I'm ordinary?" He said no, then said well yeah, I guess that's what I think. Talk about a blow to the ego.

I was thinking of him when I posted the quote. I certainly didn't love him, but I did care. And it hurt that someone I had spent five months with thought about me like that. Why was I even with someone who had so little regard for me? If you know the answer let me know. 

Fast forwarding, recently I came into contact with someone from my past. We were catching up, and he told me I was still a supermodel in his eyes. Completely cheesy, I know. I also know for a fact I am only average. Nothing spectacular here. Just a wallflower that occasionally grabs the attention of people. It is in me to totally dismiss the compliment. 

Instead it got me to thinking. The phrase beauty is in the eye of the beholder popped into my mind. Again recently someone told me I was beautiful. My first instinct is to dismiss it. But when they said I was beautiful (and a few other things), I looked into their eyes and realized to them I am beautiful. That is how they see me. Instead of blowing him off, I took a breath, and took it in. And when I did, I glowed with it.

To have someone see you as beautiful to the point that you can see truth of that belief in their eyes is empowering. It made me believe, if only for a little while, that I am beautiful.

So many times we look at couples, and ask ourselves what does he/she see in her/him. We may not see it, but it's there. So may people must be aesthetically stimulated by their mate (especially men). My ex pointed out my flaws and my attributes constantly. He was totally obsessed with appearances. I'm not. It's usually some feature that I'm attracted to, that draws me in, and if the rest of the package is there, great. If not, oh well. Assuming they are a beautiful person inside, the rest just melts away. I have gone out with some beautiful men and I have gone out with some who most might not find beautiful. But in my eyes, they were wonderful.

So, here I am basking in the glow of someones compliments. I don't give them out very easily. As I didn't say back to him he he handsome and sexy and all that, he may wonder what I think of him. I've always thought he was so cute. And yes - sexy. He is to me. However it's the fact that he makes me feel so special, and yes - extraordinary, that leaves me knowing that while beauty may be in the eye of beholder, when they behold you, it makes you feel beautiful.