Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year's

Before the festivities begin tonight, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy new year. I have so much on my mind right now, that I'm having trouble narrowing down just exactly what I want to convey in this particular blog. So I may break my new year's blogs into several, just to break it up, so be prepared. The subject today is resolutions.

Everyone talks about new year's resolutions this time of year. I was taught through my diet program only to set obtainable goals, so that is what I'm going to do. So here goes - some of my hopefully obtainable goals:

1. I resolve to try not to let people get under my skin. Especially when these people don't matter a whit to me. Why do I let people bother me? Who knows, but it is constant struggle. If I can achieve this goal once, I'll be successful.

2. I resolve to try not to cry over people who wouldn't bother crying over me. I'll save my tears for people who matter. At least I'll try to. But if I get mad, all bets are off. I always cry when I get mad. It's better than hitting things, which is what I used to do. Crying is the least self destructive thing I can do when I'm mad.

3. I resolve to keep on working out in some way. There are so many way to work out.  I don't have to stick to one routine. I can change things up as I feel like it. It makes for all the more interesting workout. The important thing is to keep doing it. I'm may not be the skinniest, or the fittest, but I look pretty darn good for my age. All I need to do is continue what I've already done all year (except for the two months following my surgery, when the doctor wouldn't let me work out.).

4. I resolve to not get my heart broken. No, that isn't right. Maybe I resolve to allow myself to get into a relationship where there is a possibility of not getting my heart broken. My last few relationships haven't been the healthiest in most people's eyes. Maybe not even in mine. I have a problem, in that I don't particularly want someone around me all the time, and as a result I seem to attract who are not good relationship material. At least not the kind of relationship I ultimately need.

I have so much love to give to someone, and I spend most of my time just bottling it up so no one can get to me (or I can pretend they aren't getting to me, anyway). I also don't really have a jealous bone in my body. Not really. That is something I used to talk to my mom about. If I want someone who is not going to be jealous, I can't really be jealous either. I may get resentful at times, but I'm no hypocrite. With trust and honesty, this shouldn't ever be an issue. 

To complete this section, as it is important, there is nothing wrong with passing the time with a few wrong ones while looking for the right one. You never know when what is wrong may end up being right. I mean, I've had a lot of right ones turn out wrong...

5. I resolve to continue to look for and do things that will make me healthy, happy and whole. I will try not to hold on to things that are harmful to my well being.

6. Finally I resolve to take my life one day at a time and enjoy each one to the fullest. I will take joy in the small pleasures. I will try to not over-analyze everything and just relax and go with it. If I fail one day, I will resolve not to the next day. No recriminations.

Happy New Year!!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A New Person...

Not too long ago I was taking a walk with a friend and we were chatting about various topics. Now I was wearing basically sweats and a t-shirt along with my new running shoes. Not looking too hot, but boy was I comfy.

At first I was talking about running. After the Rock and Roll, I was bitching about hating running, and never doing it again. Mainly because it hurt so much. After about a week I was missing it, so I changed my goal. Instead of trying to run 13.1 miles, how about two to three miles. I never ran the entire thing anyway, so my new goal is to speed up and cover shorter distances. And to maybe run for two miles straight. I was telling my friend this, and they told me that in a weird kind of way they were proud of me. I guess, I just don't want to lose the ground I've gained.

The subject somehow turned to shoes. First off, I was not with a female friend. So talking about shoes was not an everyday conversation. Over Thanksgiving I bought  a pair of shoes that are basically silver sequins and five inches high. They are pretty. They are "hot" to say the least. The women who have seen my shoes agree they are awesome. I've had two reactions from the two men who have seen them without me wearing them - one is hooker heels, and the other was just a jaw drop. They are really special shoes.

Totally Awesome Shoes!!!
So I was talking about my awesome new shoes, but not in the way you'd think. I was talking about what I was thinking buying shoes like that. Why do I keep buying heels? And four inch and above heels? I'm 5'8". I'm already tall. These shoes top me out at over six feet. I said to my friend, I don't understand why I keep buying these shoes. They are horrible for my back and feet, the cause of my knee issue (I fell while wearing heels and tore cartilage), and they hurt. I'm a casual girl, a tom boy. I like my sneakers and my sweats. Heels are not who I am. They aren't me.

My friend basically said to me, maybe they are who I'm trying to become, or I'm already becoming. A new person. A hybrid. Maybe I need to balance my exercise that brings out my tom boy side, with the ultra feminine heels. I still wear comfy clothes and slacks, but I'm more likely to grab the heels than the flats. I love the way it makes me feel, when I don't feel like a total giant.

Speaking of which, isn't it nice not to have to worry about someones ego? We were joking about trading someone in for a taller model. As a girl who has dated so many men my height, or shorter, I had to laugh about the guy who doesn't like his girlfriend to wear heels. I personally like a man who doesn't care if a girl is a little taller. It speaks volumes when they don't mind.

Getting back to the subject I was talking about earlier. This morning I grabbed my flat boots. The ones I have had since 2004. The ones I have changed the soles out on twice. I haven't been wearing them much lately because I got these awesome heeled boots. I've worn them shopping and everything. Guess what? When I put on my flat boots, I felt weird and short. It took me a little bit to get used to being so short. It was surreal.

So I ask you, am I a new person? Or am I just letting my inner diva out again? I'm not sure, but I can't wait to wear my totally awesome glittery shoes.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas???

Merry Christmas to one and all. I will not pretend in this forum to be happy. If I'm happy, it's because I've it through Christmas once again.

Last night we participated in our "new" Christmas Eve tradition of attending the "ICE" Exhibit at the Gaylord Texas. The exhibit is really fantastic, if not really cold. I thought my fingers were going to fall off. Usually I'm a little more prepared, but this year I was frozen when I got out. The Shrek babies were so cute (not to mention the donkey babies). We then all went to dinner before separating to go various Christmas gatherings today.

Daddy and I went to the WinStar Casino to spend the day. I actually only spent $20. For me we are bout talking miracle, here. I actually won a $150 on one machine, so I was able to play a long time. It was nice to spend the day with my daddy.

A friend this morning posted to facebook, that one day she would like to wake up on Christmas morning and not be sad. I sent her virtual hugs, and we promised each other we would smile. Christmas is one of those days where the memories just flood back. Not necessarily in a bad way. I remember the good, the fun and the silly. I remember getting Santa presents until my mid-30s. Mom always tried to make Christmas special for me because she knew no one else would.

I am not trying to be sad today. Today was a good day. Days like today are few and far between, mainly because I have lived so far away since 2004. I have one of the best dad's in the world. Spending the day with him means the world. Spending and entire Christmas day without feeling like the odd one out was indeed priceless.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I wish you all the blessings in the world. May your day be merry and bright...I won't wish for a white Christmas, because duh - I live in Texas.

Happy Holidays!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Smile - What choice do you have?

"Smile though your heart is aching.
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.
 
If you smile through your pain and sorrow.
Smile and maybe tomorrow.
You'll see the sun come shining through. For you.

Light up your face with gladness.
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile."

Yesterday we got bad news. If you know my history you can probably guess. It is not a secret that my dad has cancer. Yesterday we got word, that he needs to start chemo again. In addition, he is going to have to surgery first for an entirely different reason. He called it the double whammy. Both not good, but neither one completely surprising. I'll admit I lost it in fear on Monday night. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. The not knowing is worse for me. The dreading. I had a bad feeling going into yesterday, and I was right.

Cancer is a scary, scary thing. It took my mom, one of my friends, and many relatives. It is ravaging not only on those suffering from it, but on the loved ones watching the fight. My friend Mike fought for approximately 13 years. He left a wife, who I consider a friend, and two beautiful children, who are not really kids anymore. They all still miss him and it has been three years. Mike's fight with cancer left an impression on me I can't explain. He lived his life, not as a victim of cancer, but as a survivor, grateful for every moment he had with his friends, his family, his wife, and his children. He taught me so much, and made me appreciate my life in ways I never had before.

My dad has the same wonderful attitude. His positive outlook just beams from him. He is an inspiration to so many people including me. We will get through this again. I have to believe that, otherwise I may break.

The words to the song above are an illustration of my life. Those who have known me for a long time would never describe me as giggly. Now I just try to laugh, if I can. I want to be around people who distract me, make me laugh, and keep me from brooding. I brood a lot. I might be laughing, then all of a sudden cry. I might withdraw for awhile without a word, just to process all the emotions I am feeling. Have patience. I love my daddy. I am petrified. And I know he will read this, and worry about me. Just like I worry about him. I love you, Daddy!!!

Last night someone wished me luck and strength. I need luck, to not inappropriately lose it in the wrong situation. Strength I have. Most of the time.

In the meantime, I will do what the song says and just smile.

The Curtain Closes

We finished my latest show a few days ago. I'd like to say it was fantastic, but I have literally never had more trouble in my life with a show. I have never had trouble memorizing lines before. EVER. I mean, I was in a play a few years back where I had 350 lines more than the next person, and had five long monologues. I may have missed a few there because of nervousness, but I knew the lines.

For whatever the reason, I had trouble this entire play. I once went two weeks where all I did was rehearse other people's plays, not my two. Then there were the two weeks where one of my co-stars was sick and he couldn't rehearse. We worked on my other play during that time, but that was during the ill fated gender switch. We switched back roles, and then I had to learn it all over again. Since I learn by repetition, rehearsing once a week didn't help. And I can read my lines all I want, but not having someone to check me or read them with me hurt me big time.

All excuses I know, but the bottom line is, this was not a good play for me. I think I need a lot more interaction on stage to be more successful. More people to interact with. I really don't know what it was, but I pretty much sucked.

I am so glad it is over. I am disappointed in myself. And even worse, on the second to last show I'd had too much to drink and could barely get my lines out. I remembered them ok, but I couldn't say them. My car stayed on-base Friday night, as I had to be driven home. I'm still so embarrassed. It didn't help for people to be texting my keeper, to tell him to keep me away from the booze. Really, I was actually sitting with him when one of texts came in, and I saw it..."Whatever you do, keep Laura away from the liquor." If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

Whatever the reason, or cause, this will definitely be a show to remember, for a lot of reasons. I'm just glad it is done.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Musicians Ruined Me For Life

Earlier this week I posted a song on my Facebook page that reminds me of a certain person, and I mentioned my thing for musicians. On that particular song, a "friend" of mine played it on his guitar and sang it for me one night when we were talking on the phone. I have never forgotten. Having someone sing and play for you that intimately is something you remember. This wasn't the beginning of my thing for musicians.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a young high school freshman. I gained the admiration or attention of a senior. The senior asked me out, only I had to get my parents permission. I didn't think this would be a big deal, but boy was I wrong. You see he was in a high school garage band (guitar player). My parents wouldn't let me go because he might be a bad influence on me. I remember my mom saying he was nice and she liked him, but between his age and his status as a rock band member, he was off limits. So musician became the forbidden fruit. For the record, this same guy is still a nice guy, and very respectable now. His early days didn't ruin him.

Then came the one mentioned in my opening. I used to love listening to him play with his band, long before we ever became friends. He sang and played. So began my fascination with singers. In fact, I'm not sure those two didn't play together a few times.

Then there was this cop - a detective. He was very much a tough guy. Imagine my surprise when I found out he played guitar. Every once in awhile he would wake me up on weekend mornings by playing this really bluesy rock. He played Hendrix. Sexy guitar stuff. It didn't happen often, but when it did, oh wow, did it make me melt. A singer, he was not, but he did that guitar justice.

I love Prince when he plays guitar - think the Purple Rain soundtrack, which I'm downloading as a type this. Purple Rain is beautiful and haunting. I saw him in concert about 10 years ago and he switched in between various guitars and the piano during the concert. Dang it he can play. Seeing a piano player play and sing is pretty hot too. Drums, also, come to think of it. Although as talented as Phil Collins is, he is not sexy.

Last night at Not So Silent Night they were going on about Jason Derulo being of of People's picks for sexiest men, but alas it was cold so he kept his shirt on.  :( Dancer with a good voice works too. I will admit he was good. Tiao Cruz has a beautiful talking voice, and I could just listen to him talk. However when it comes to straight talking, Brendon Fraser is my winner. Travie McCoy rocks the rap, and Blue October was fantastic. I was more impressed by Cobra Starship in person than I have ever been of them on the radio. Shout out to Tim Halperin too, who is a piano player/singer. He was great last night too. Musicians just rock!!!

So the point of my story, I love talented musicians and singers. I love live music. I gravitate towards these kinds of people. I can't resist it. Even if I'm not attracted, I still love to hear and watch. Or just close my eyes and listen. Music just moves me period. I have ballads on my playlists because they are beautiful to listen too. A velvet voice melts me. Trent Reznor is brilliant also. I love so many for so many reasons.

My mom ruined me for regular non-musical guys forever by making them the forbidden fruit. Thanks mom. And I'm not being sarcastic. THANK YOU!!! They are the best!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What's Your Type?

Last night I was chatting with a friend when somehow the subject of types came up. Not only were we talking about the type of people we like hang out with in general, but our romantic interests. Whether we admit it or not we gravitate towards the same type of people over and over.

We are all attracted to certain physical traits. We may stray from our type from time to time, but it always come back to chemistry. I went a stretch where with one exception I didn't date anyone under 6'4". My cut off for short was actually 6'5", but there was one of my favorites who was under that, so I adjusted for him. I dated so many short guys in high school, I wanted a break. That break lasted a few years, with a few exceptions. I wanted to date only tall men because they made me feel petite.

Another thing I'm attracted to is big calves and muscles. I remember one day, one fantastic day, my mother introduced me to one of her favorite students. I had never met him. All I knew about him was he was smart. I met him on a college visit field trip. We instantly hit it off and ended up talking all day long. It was cold in the morning when we left so we all had on sweatshirts. At the football game later in the day we were all hot so we bought t-shirts to change into. The girls changed in the bathroom then we went up into the stands. This guy changed in the stands. I already liked him, but when he took his shirt off, I about died...ripples of muscles every where. OMG - I was 15 and I was drooling. Heck every girl there was. He had a girlfriend at the time, but it didn't stop us from connecting. The minute he and his girlfriend broke up, he asked me out and I got to drool up close and personal. Jace was short and stocky with muscles, big calves and a brain. My first and most prevalent type.

They have to be smart. I don't have friends, much less boyfriends who aren't smart. This doesn't mean you have to have a degree, but people who make me think and keep me on my toes are who I want to be around. I love watching someone's mind click. It's a total turn on. At least when it comes to romantic interests for lack of a better turn. In its place, I have friends that fill that need, but it's not quite the same. I have a penchant for engineers and computer geeks. I just love those types. Analytical and off-beat. It has been a constant regret that I wasn't attracted to more of my friends. I wish I had been, but alas it hasn't happened. And it's not because they aren't attractive, I'm just attracted to them.

I have another type, but they are for special occasions. My vacation/relaxation boys. Look at my vacation photos and somewhere you will probably see one or more of my beach boys. They are a distinct type, but one I only indulge in on short term basis. The pretty boys.

I like interesting, unique, unusual. Maybe not what society would consider the most handsome, or the sexiest or the most perfect, but to me they are the best. Who wants perfection? God knows I'm not perfect. I'll never be skinny. I have a JLo booty. My thighs are huge. My calves are big (that is why I like big calves on men - lol). I'm generic looking. I had boyfriends and friends mistake other women for me, repeatedly. It's happened to me twice since I've moved to San Antonio. I have doppelgangers everywhere.

My point is, I'm sure I am someone's idea of perfection. Someone's type. Just like I will find my ideal. That is what its all about. I've been looking for a sexy geek all my life. He may not be sexy to everyone else, but as long as he's sexy to me that is what counts. And guess what? I'm a geek too.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It means that each person has their own idea of perfection. It trick is to find the one you think is beautiful (or handsome or sexy), and have them feel the same way about you. And I honestly believe when its right, you see the flaws and love then in spite of them. No one is perfect and if you are telling yourself your significant other is perfect, you are fooling yourself.

So I ask you, what is your type?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Cut Yourself Off

Disclaimer - this is one of my bad attitude posts. Don't read if you are going to get offended.

The last two years I have been trying to cut myself off. To back away from the things I was dependant on in order to lessen the hurt when those things disappear.

For example, when I moved to Arkansas, I started calling my mom each night because I knew she missed me. I would tell her about my day, and talk about what was going on back at home. It made me less homesick and helped mom deal with the fact I moved to another state. I meant it to be a transition, but it got to where we did it every day when I got home from work. I became to depend on it. The hardest part of my mom getting sick and not making it was losing those daily talks. She knew me better than anyone else and she was my sounding board for almost everything.

After mom was gone, I realized I have to stand on my own. I can't depend on anyone else to meet that kind of need in my life. I purposely don't call home, not because I don't need the contact, but because if I don't make that contact, maybe it won't hurt as much if it's not there. I have to learn to be by myself someday. So after mom died, I backed off. Every couple of days, then once a week. I have to learn how to function without that crutch. God knows I have friends, for the first time in my life. I have people I can talk to. I try to spread that out though. No sense relying too heavily on anyone all the time.

I guess it is probably better I have no clue what is going on. That way I can't get upset, I have no opportunity to worry, and won't miss it at all when the sources dry up. I'm trying to get practice for when I'm completely on my own.

The moral of the story is cut yourself off from the pain before it really bites you in the ass. Then when the phone doesn't ring, or you hear things from second and third hand sources, it doesn't hurt when the people who should be communicating don't.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

TMI

I apologize for sharing too much sometimes, but it's a free country. You may choose to read my stuff, or not. If you read my stuff you know I'm trying to be funny most of the time, but always real. And honest.

I'm not going to vilify someone for speaking their mind on facebook or any place else. I may disagree with you and argue with you about it, but I'm not going to be mean or call you names if your opinion varies from mine. I can be negative, but usually I'm being realistic. And I'm only mean to people who know me, and know I'm joking. They mean to me also, and I know they are joking too.

Most of us share too much information via facebook. Why do you think it is so addictive?

Since I moderately sure no one is reading my blog who is going to judge me for what I'm about to say, I'm going to share.

I am frustrated and scared and lonely and at this particular moment I really want to cry. I doubt that I'm doing the right thing, and I wonder if I'm becoming what I hate the most. Am I being self-destructive, or am I just going to self destruct? I know I'm hurting myself right now, and somehow I can't stop myself from doing it. Not everyone knows what I'm talking about, but if you do know I'm troubled. I haven't fallen into the "trap;" however I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Is this me? I'm not sure, and most of the time I don't care.

That's it for tonight. Sweet dreams.