Sunday, January 22, 2012

How do you see yourself?

The photo shown on this blog entry was taken a week ago. When I saw the picture, I couldn't believe how good my thighs looked. I asked the photographer how she got my legs to look so thin. She kind of laughed at me.


Tonight I was looking at pictures at a friends house, and this one came up, and I exclaimed I couldn't believe the photographer had gotten my thighs to look so good. My friends proceeded to jump all over me and tell me, they have seen my thighs and they always look that thin and that good. I'm like really? Then one friend made the comment, we never see ourselves as others see us.


This is so true. I look at myself in the mirror most mornings and just think fat.  I can't stand my legs most of the time. My arms make me cringe; they are so bulky. Maybe others don't see me that way, but its the way I see myself. And when I think of it, most girls I know think the same way. 


I nothing insightful to offer on this subject. I hear myself making disbarring comments about my various body parts, and I can't seem to stop it. I would do anything to lose another 20 pounds. Most of my friends would too. I'm not sure what is it in society that has created a generation or more of people with such negative body images. 


Why do we disparage ourselves so much?


If you can answer that, please share, because you must be smarter than I am.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

My Own Personal Hell

Having a mirror shoved into your face in public, showing you how stupid you are is not a fun experience. Having the same mirror shoved into your face a second time, makes for such unpleasantness. 

A friend of mine the other night told me I was one of the smartest people she knew. I appreciate that. I'm no dummy. In fact, I remember a conversation a long time ago where someone told me the reason I was single was because I was too intimidating; that my average looks (my words, not the other person's) combined with my intelligence was enough to scare every man I might be interested in off. I was then compared to someone I hated. I proceeded to dumb myself down in public, so maybe I wouldn't run people off. Dumbing myself down doesn't make me dumb. 

I sometimes wish I could be oblivious. I wish I didn't know when I was being stupid. I know I'm making a bad decision, but I do it anyway. Emotional intelligence is a buzz phrase in corporate culture right now, and I graduated top of my class. But I have a blind spot about me. However if you need relationship advice, come my way. I'm usually dead on when it comes to other people's relationships.

There is a song that has the following lyrics "You make me feel like I want to be a dumb blond in a centerfold, the girl next door." I really wish I could be dumb and oblivious. Then maybe things wouldn't bother me so much. Maybe I wouldn't feel like a complete fool right now. 

Feeling stupid is my own personal hell. And boy am I in it right now. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

Silence is Golden

Today is one of those rare days. Those days where I manage to actually make it through the day without talking to anyone, not withstanding my chiropractor's office who called to check on me. 


It is strange to think I actually long for those days when I don't have to talk to anyone. Days of silence when I can reflect on my life. Think about those things I'm doing wrong and doing right. Things I should change, things to keep working on and things I should keep on doing the same.


I know people who can't stand being alone, although they are the lasts ones to admit it. They must find something to do, or someone to talk to in order to feel complete. Today, other than a brief text interchange to check on a friend I was worried about, I haven't really chatted with anyone. I haven't wanted to. I've been dreading something of late, and it has been causing me just a tad bit of anxiety. I'm anxious not because I don't know the outcome, but because I don't know which outcome might be better for me. On different levels, each would be a good thing.


That particular anxiety is deeply embedded in my subconscious and not something I want to admit to myself. That maybe the hard thing would be the best thing. That maybe the thing that hurts the most in the short run may be the thing that is best for me in the long run. Or maybe not. I keep waiting for something to happen and it's not. I expected the shoe to drop already, but some how it isn't happening. Now I'm perplexed as to what to do. I was expecting something to happen and it didn't . Now I'm just not sure what to do with myself.


Silence really is golden at times. It gives me a chance to think deep thoughts. It gives me a chance to center myself and gain some clarity and insight. Whatever the motives for the actions I'm taking in my life, and I can guarantee most people in my life do not know my true motives, it is days like this that serve to reaffirm my course of action. For better or worse. I hope for the better. I truly do. 


No matter what, I'm trying to enjoy life. I'm going to have fun and try not to get into too much trouble. And most of all enjoy days like this.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

What is talent?

As some of my new San Antonio peeps prepare for a whirlwind week competing for slots in Tops In Blue via the Air Force Worldwide Talent Competition, I keep on thinking about talent and what that really means.


I know so many talented people. And talented in so many ways. Talent doesn't come in just one form. I'm surrounded by many musically talented people. And some wonderful dancers. I have a few friends who are wonderful photographers. Other can make a computer dance.  A few are talented writers. And some are so quick-witted that I don't know whether to laugh or be envious. 


Talent comes in many forms shapes and sizes. And everyone has some kind of talent. It just may not come in the form you wish. I feel like I'm not great at anything, but good at a few things. Of course that is a matter of opinion. I'm  decent writer, and I worked my butt off to become one. It wasn't easy. I also took singing lessons for a year to try and become better at that. I'm still not real consistent (see below). 


To those people with natural talent, I envy you. For those who don't have natural talent, develop it. Hard work makes all of the difference in the world. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Embrace it, and it will make you happy. 

So this is me singing a song I've been working on. It is in no way perfect. There are some rough spots, but overall I'm pleased with this. It takes a lot for me to put this out there. I do have a YouTube channel, but only because I wanted to comment on friend's videos. So if you are interested: http://youtu.be/rkCEBfzWVr8


Break a leg to my peeps competing in Worldwide this week. I'll be there to cheer you on if I'm physically able to get there. You are all very talented. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming?

The lines to a song..."If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me." - Blue October.

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I don't remember the details after, usually, but I remember the subject. Most of the time my dreams lately have been so normal and everyday. Mundane really. The only thing out of the ordinary is they all have a reoccurring theme. Until tonight.

Tonight I dreamt I was forced to watch something. That something was painful to watch and not something I want to be put through. It was sparked by something I heard someone say last night that I couldn't get out of my mind. It magnifies a particular fear I have, caused by anxiety of a certain situation in my life. This is not something that plagues me every minute of every day, but something that crosses my mind from time to time.

Maybe the dream wasn't caused by the fear itself, but what I did last night. I let an offhand comment get to me and cause me to do something I said I wouldn't. I always do this, and I hate it. It shows weakness on my part. I do not like to be perceived as weak. I gave in to an impulse, that I once again regret. So here I am at 4:15 a.m. wide awake, on the verge of tears from exhaustion. I've been wide awake since two, and I wasn't sleep well before then. Definitely a toss and turn night.

I believe whole heartily that our dreams tell us things if we pay attention, though rarely do they speak the same language as we do. What they mean, who knows? I used to keep a dream dictionary close at hand, but it only works if you can remember your dreams.

Tonight's dream I wish I could forget. It was too close to everyday life, and not something I want to see in my dreams or in real life. My alarm is set to go off in 30 minutes. I've only slept about two hours. I'm not looking forward to this day, but at least if I'm awake I won't be dreaming.

Monday, January 2, 2012

What is it about a new year?

At the turning of a new year, all of us seem to take inventory of our lives. What are we doing right, what are we doing wrong? Are there people we need to cut from our lives, or people we need to let in?


Why is it that a new year turns people into matchmakers? I think it is hilarious that once again someone attempts to set me up again on new years eve. In this case, they didn't quite get the guy there, but they told me he has seen my facebook, and seems interested. Of course, sometimes I think my facebook might scare anyone off. I tend to let it all hang out on my facebook. I'm always willing to meet new people because you never know what they will mean to your life.


I have spent the last few days really thinking about my life. I'm overall very happy, but there are definitely things missing from my life. And there are some very unhappy, sad, or scary things in my life. I over compensate for being sad by laughing too much. Someone recently told me I gave the impression of being silly and immature. Oh, if they only knew how off the mark they were. I'm actually a little too serious most of the time. I long for people in my life who don't allow me to take myself so seriously. I really just want to laugh. And have fun. BUT - I take my responsibilities very seriously.


I just saw the saddest thing while I was writing this. A friend of mine lost her fiance yesterday. They spent a fabulous new year's eve together, and he died the next day unexpectedly. This is real life, not a story. It makes me want to reevaluate my life completely.  I'm blown away.

If I have learned no other thing in life it is the carpe diem - seize the day. Why make yourself miserable? Why not grab the bull by the horns and take pleasure in the small things? And maybe the large things? There is a song with the words..."All the pleasure is worth all of the pain." Sometimes that is true. Why not take the pleasure and the fun as it comes? I can't regret the things I do in life. Life is too short.

I am thankful for all I have. Sure I want more, but I'm not going to spend my time lamenting over what I may be missing out on.