Monday, February 11, 2013

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

This title really doesn't have anything to do with the subject of this blog entry, but as I want to talk about relationships, it's kind of fitting.

This weekend was a little surreal. I spent a little time with someone I really cared about at one point in my life. Someone who I might even say I loved. It has been a long time, and it was nice. I couldn't say I want them back in my love life, but on so many levels I miss him. Mainly because he always made me laugh and he knew me so well. He had me laughing like he always did, and it was nice. But it got me to thinking - always a dangerous thing with me. 

My relationship with this person was very dysfunctional. It wasn't healthy for me. Although I was very happy in so many ways, it tore me up. We could never give each other 100%, for whatever reason. In the end, I had to quit it because it wasn't working. And it took me months to recover from it. I wanted it to work, and we just couldn't get traction. Yet, when I see him and talk to him, it makes me smile, because all of the things I loved about him are still there. As a friend put it, it wasn't that we were wrong for each other, it was just the wrong time. I can see him and absolutely not want him back. I can just remember the good times, and appreciate that even now, he knows me in ways no one else does. 

Since that relationship I have dated others, even one pretty long term (at least for me). I dated someone for months, even at times spent lots of time with him, but at the end of it all, I don't think he had any idea who I was. He decided I was one thing, and refused to listen to anything that didn't fit his idea of me. I really cared about him, and saw a lot of the things he tried to hide about himself. I honestly think he was the most insecure person I ever dated. He likes to hide behind this tough "I don't care" facade, but he was really looking for acceptance. I've never known someone who fished for compliments so much. 

Almost the entire time we were together he was pushing me away. I think he wanted me to fall at his feet, but that is so hard to do when someone is constantly pushing you away. In time, I might have been able to overcome that, but he didn't give me the chance. First he pushed me away entirely. It's funny, he never called me his girlfriend until we broke up. At no time while we were together did we talk exclusivity. We made no promises. We briefly spent some time together months later. I thought it was maybe a new understanding. Then I woke up one morning and got a huge wake up call. While we were together the night before, he had been texting another girl. I sat on his phone, and what popped up but the last text he had sent the night before. I won't share what it said, but needless to say, I felt like a complete fool. I have never felt so disrespected and used in my entire life.

Now this person I could see and I could care less. He managed to kill any sentiment I had for him. He destroyed it. He stomped on me. I could say I hate him, but I'd be lying. I don't care enough to hate him. He made his own bed and he can lay in it. I faced him down one more time just to show everyone I could. I didn't want to run from it. I can't say I don't think of him. I do. I just think he has a lot of growing up to do. Until he stops sabotaging himself, he will never be happy and that is a sad thing.

Since I have moved to SA, I have never lacked for flirts, dates, company or anything else related to others. If I want, I know of several people who I could call, who would keep me company, even just for a night. If I need a self esteem boost, I don't have any trouble. There are many who provide that for me on a regular basis. I don't have to go far. But for all of those who admire and flirt, etc., not one has stepped up to give me what I really need. 

Someone once said to me in the last year, I keep wondering if I should do something like bring you flowers. The answer is YES!!! Bring me flowers. That is something that would melt my heart. Do something besides talk at me, because talk is cheap. Sometimes a gesture speaks louder than words. The words don't hurt either.