It's the End of the World - What do you regret?

I got a message about an "End of the World" party for Friday night earlier, and I thought what a good topic for a blog. Now I don't think the world is going to end Friday, but it's as good a reason as any to reflect. I don't think there is a person alive who can look back at their life and not regret something. Even those who are at peace with their lives can look back an wish they had taken one road or another, although they may be happy where they ended up.

I regret I didn't go to law school when I was young. My life would be completely different now. However, if I had gone to law school, I never would have met some of the great people I've come into contact with over the years. I never would have moved to Arkansas. If the market wasn't so flooded with attorneys right now, I might even go to law school yet, but I don't think it's an economically feasible endeavor at this time.

I regret that I was so determined to leave Ennis for college that I overlooked someone who cared about me. Years later he told me if only I hadn't been so intent to leave, we might have had a chance. I cared about him a lot, but our timing sucked. I realized that might not have been the case if I hadn't been hell bent on getting out of Ennis. Then later, when there may have been another chance, I screwed that up too. And for something that wasn't worth anything in the grand scheme of things.

Those are two things I can pinpoint to specific incidences. It's the general things that sometimes keep me awake at night.

I wish I wasn't afraid. Afraid of what, you ask? Afraid to feel. No. That's not right. I'm not afraid to feel. I afraid to let people know I feel. So many people value my ability to stay cool and calm under duress, and I hate to ruin illusions. I am one of the most emotional creatures alive. I love and hate hard. I'm pretty quick to let people know what I hate, but wary about letting anyone know where I love. It's a work in progress. I'm getting better with family and friends, but I still have trouble letting anyone else know I care.

It's so easy to act like you don't care about anything. To act all nonchalant about emotions. To pretend things don't bother you. To not act hurt when someone says something to you that rocks your world. Easy to pretend it doesn't bother you, then go home alone and get mad or cry or scream. The problem is when this happens, when I'm pretending something doesn't bother me, I tend to say things I don't mean that come back to haunt me. I don't think quickly on my feet, so I say the first thing that pops into my head, then have to live with the consequences.

I wish I didn't care so much about perception. I wish I had more self-confidence and belief in myself and my worth. I wish I could see into the heads of others and see how they see me. I wish I didn't let people accept my surface, and actually forced them to look beyond into the real me. 

I wish I had taken a few chances that I was too cowardly to take. I regret not telling certain people I loved them because I was afraid they didn't feel the same way. 

Since it's the end of the world, take this chance to tell people how you really feel. Don't let them accept the superficial as reality. Take a chance. And most of all don't dwell on your regrets. 

Don't Self Destruct!

Earlier someone posted that they didn't know what to do with themselves. I started thinking about some of the things I get into when I'm bored or restless. And even more if I'm hurt. 

People around me tend to say I run all the time. It's pretty true. 

"It's the idle man who is the miserable man." (Benjamin Franklin) 

I keep busy for many reasons. If I'm busy I don't have time to dwell on things. I don't have time to get sad. I don't have time to over analyze everything I've said and done, and what others have said and done. These are a few examples. Before I started having health issues, I was a terrible insomniac. I couldn't shut my brain down. It still happens at times. 

When I can't sleep I think about things that aren't and things that could be. I think about things I could have done better. Conversations where I should have said something, but didn't. Times where I said something when I would have been better off keeping my big mouth shut.

I dream about things that could be, or things I wish existed. Wide awake, I think about the things missing from my life, and beat myself up for messing things up. So many times I haven't taken steps I should have because of insecurities. I clam up completely when I'm unsure or insecure. I avoid saying things that should be voiced, and I say things best left unsaid.

This is why I stay busy. My life is not enriched by dwelling on things I can't change.

On the other hand, restlessness mixed with hurt is a recipe for disaster with me. Earlier this year I did a few things I'm really not proud of at all. I used someone to make myself feel better and to try to make someone else feel bad. To prove I didn't need that person, when I really did. I was the only one hurt by my actions. 

Sometimes I drink too much in an effort to forget my troubles, or to prove to anyone observing that I'm not bothered by someone else's indifference. Because what says nothings wrong better than drinking too much and getting sick? Again, all I manage to do is hurt myself. I flirt with people I'm not interested in, just to say -"Ha, you see??? I'm very desirable." What a laugh. Using people to make me feel better is the worse thing I do. I don't mean to hurt others, but at times I can't seem to help it. 

If I stay busy with things, I don't come up with these self-destructive schemes. I don't hate myself for things I shouldn't have done. I don't hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. I love my alone time, but when I'm insecure, that alone time just serves to feed my insecurities, which makes me a little whacked out. I will prove to everybody that there is nothing wrong. I act tough like I don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth. I care so much, it hurts at times. I just don't want people to know. I hate for people to see me vulnerable. Even those close to me. Perhaps especially those close to me.

So I stay busy to keep from self-destructing. I don't always succeed. Most of the time I do. But if there is one thing in life I've learned as it applies to me:

"Idleness is the root of mischief." (Chaucer)

Enough said.

I know I'm a pain...Part 2 a/k/a Bottled Up

Illusions

Aren't we all full of illusions? Doesn't everyone put on a mask in certain situations? The trick is realizing when to take those masks off.

There was a day not too long ago, where I was put through the ringer. I spent four hours in hell, then had to go be social. I was around a bunch of people I've never met. I'm shy anyway when I don't really know a bunch of people in a place, but after the afternoon I had, I was just tapped out. Not really even close to my best. I really didn't think too much of it at the time, other than these people were talking about stuff I really didn't know about. All I could think was they were all so young, and I really didn't fit in.

I was told recently those same people thought I was unfunny and trying too hard. It's funny, I really don't remember much about the night. I was too strung out from my afternoon. Funny how that night made such an impression on others. And not a good one. Basically, I guess I came across as fake.

I'm really not a fake person, but I hide myself. In my life I've offended so many people from just being me. Certain people think I'm funny, but others just think I'm weird. That is why all of my friends are very unique individuals. And it takes a long time before I let it all hang out, so to speak.

It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable. So many times people have gotten to know me and not liked what they see. I don't like myself sometimes. The last few years I've used humor to deflect attention off myself, so people can't see how much I hurt sometimes. I do talk to people and I do let it out some, but my rocks have needed rock of their own lately, so I try not to lend too hard.

It's not that I'm not having reactions and feeling things, I just have trouble letting others know what I'm feeling. I hide behind a mask. I'm a good actress at times.

And I was again told lately, that I'm too good of an actress. It hurts. It really hurts. Then again, it's hard to be real when someone is pushing you away. 

It sucks sometimes...

Most people don't know a few things about me. I'm going to explain two.

The first thing is if you can get past my exterior, I love very passionately. Whether it's friends, family, etc. I will do anything for my friends. I will go to extreme lengths. I almost drove across the country one time to be there for a friend, but she stopped me before I went. All I could think is she needed me. Earlier this year, my dad had to be hospitalized. I drove off in a panic  when I got the phone call, dead set on driving home. My dad talked me down, because he didn't want me driving in such a state, and then another friend sat with me that afternoon and evening while  waited for a phone call.

The night my mother was first hospitalized, I spoke to my sisters before hand. We discussed how to get her to the hospital. We came up with a course of action, then they executed. I was going to drive right then, but they talked me out of it (six hours is a long drive along at night on a deserted highway). But I stayed up all night after they admitted her to ICU, then the next morning drove home. I flew home twice in near hysteria trying to get to my mom. Thankfully I didn't have to drive because I wouldn't have made it.

If someone needs help, I am there if they ask me. I go to extreme lengths at times. I ran out of work not too long ago to help a friend, and thank God my supervisors understood. 

I don't say this to brag or be self-serving, it's just a fact. I was told recently that I need to learn to say no, and tell some people to get a life, but they really don't understand. I so seldom let people past my defenses, that those who do get there, I will do anything for. That's just who I am. This doesn't mean I'm not selfish, because I am. Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but once I'm aware I'll go the distance.

This leads me to another trait of mine. One that isn't a real good. My mom used to say, that once someone crossed me, they could be dead for all the thought I'd give them. She's kind of right. Cross me, lie to me, double-cross me - forget about it. I am done with you. You may as well not exist. I am not a forgiving person. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. 

I had a friend in college. Best friend. We were so close. We both got busy with our respective sororities, and didn't see each other too often for a while. Even though, our plans got canceled more often than not for months, I still considered her my bff, until one day. She was dating someone new, so I hadn't seen her in a few months. I was in a position where I wasn't allowed to speak to any sorority girls for over a month. Over Christmas, my friend got engaged. The bad thing is I heard the news from another person who wasn't supposed to be in communication with her. My friend had told others, but she hadn't told me. 

After I was able to communicate again, I spoke to her and she said she didn't tell me because of the communication issue. And my response was, but you told the other people who were in the same boat as me. It hurts to find out your best friend is getting married from strangers. After that I refused to speak to her. I ran into her at a club one night and she tried to speak. I turned my back on her and walked away. Another friend told me she started crying when I walked off. I just couldn't forgive that she didn't tell me about her engagement. I turned my back on that friendship. I've also turned my back on a few others, who didn't meet my expectations. 

The point of this is, I wish I could turn the other cheek sometimes. It would be easier. It would also be easier if I didn't feel the need to run and help those I do love. But I can't stand seeing someone I love in pain. I want to fix it and make it better. Not everyone can understand the need. I can't just tell someone to get a life. Not when that person has done so much for me. I would not have made it through my mom's death if not for my friends. It's not really much to ask for me to do a little bit for them. It just sucks sometimes.

However, don't get on my bad side. As one of my friend's said the other night, "I would advise them not to get you mad too often." Ain't that the truth? Lol

I love you..

I love you. Three simple words. Words that can light up a person's life. Why are they so hard to say?

You might think that I'm talking about romance, but I'm not. At least not today. We all have so many loved ones, but how often do we actually say I love you to them? 

I think first about me and some of my friends. I used to shy away from saying I love you to anyone. I also wasn't real good with hugs. Up until a few years ago, there were only a few people I would hug. Mostly that came because of the pain I was in for so many years. Hugging hurt. Physically. Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to spontaneously hug people. I would bristle or pull back from people. Forget telling them I love them. 

A few things changed though. After my mom died, all I wanted was contact with someone. When my best friend drove to stand beside me at mom's visitation and the funeral, I clung to her when she arrived. I needed to feel someone. I, of course, hugged people I hadn't seen in forever who came to pay their respects, but having someone who didn't pull away was vital to me. At that point I started hugging my dad all the time. And saying I love you every time we talk. Life is too short and precious. 

Still, I hold myself back. Right before I moved to SA I had my hysterectomy. All of a sudden, I wasn't in physical pain anymore. I still bristled from hugging though. Then I moved here. Little did I know I moved to hugging central. I'm not sure if its the Hispanic culture, or the military, but all of a sudden everybody is hugging everybody. It took me awhile to get used to it. Now I hug all the time, and it's a great feeling. The other thing that really changed is I do not hesitate to tell my friends I love them. Life is way too short. 

Let's get back to family though. It's harder there. I love my family a great deal, and I'd go to the mattress for any of them, but still I hesitate to say I love you all the time except for my dad and my niece. Otherwise, I just feel awkward saying it. And that goes both ways. We don't really hug or anything. It's not because the love isn't there, it's just because we don't do that. I'm not even sure why. We all did with mom, but not really with each other. Now I hug the boys, but they're my babies (and my niece too). They are the children I've never had. I give them all the love I don't have an outlet for elsewhere. As it should be.

Why do we hesitate to tell the ones we love the most how we feel? What is in us that hesitates to utter those three little words. I mean, it's not like in romance where there is a fear of rejection, or lack of reciprocation. I know my family loves me, even when they don't like me very much. Yet still I hesitate.

The point of all of this is don't hesitate to tell your loved ones that they are indeed your loved ones. You never know when those three little words will brighten someones day, or make a life changing difference. I love my entire family, and I love my friends, each in their own way. We are all unique individuals. And everyone needs to know when they are cared about. This is a constant trial for me. Something I strive to do. We all should, because you never know when it will be too late to say those words that can change a life. Especially if they are heartfelt. 

Love you all! - Laura

Fear is the enemy!!!

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death, and there are so many things going through my head today. I miss her so much, and would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her. There are so many things I would like to discuss with her, but alas it's not to be. I know she still listens to me. I just can't hear her replies.

I was talking with a friend about my show this past weekend, and he said that I looked like I had done that many times. It could not be further from the truth. Last Friday was the first time I just sang and performed in front of a crowd. Plays do not count, especially since when I have sang in plays, there hasn't been choreography. I am truly frightened of singing in front of people. It's something that I want to do, but I have fear that people will just think I suck. 

Another friend told me her peeps who came to the show discussed the bad and good performances. Since I wasn't mentioned at all, I was considered neither good or bad. She put it best, at least I wasn't bad. I could do it better. I decided to do the showcase to work on my confidence. It gets better all the time.

When I was younger, I was afraid of many things. Let's face it, who isn't? As I've gotten older, I have chosen to face down some of my fears. I always have had an irrational fear of drowning in a big ocean, so I decided to become a certified scuba diver. I'm scared of heights, so I go to the top of a mountain and look down. I'm afraid to sing in public, so I start taking voice lessons and audition for a musical. 1940s Radio Hour was the best musical ever to showcase singers. The songs were all great. I still owe Amy Talbert and Tom Redwine for giving me the chance to sing for them. I shook with fear, but I got the job done.

The harder things to face are my personal fears. The ones deep down and personal. The ones I hate to admit to, even to myself. These are the ones my mom understood without me having to say a thing. When I got sick, and found out in my 20s I probably wouldn't be able to have children, it took a long time to process. My deepest fear was I would fall in love with someone and as soon as they found out I was defective, they would drop me. I mean, who wants a woman who can't have kids? And honestly, at the time, I don't think I could have been with someone who didn't want a family. Now I've come to grips with it, and although I still want a family, I can deal with whatever possibility. 

I spent a long time detaching myself from people. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. To a certain extent, I still don't. I was almost destroyed once upon a time, and I don't want to open myself up to feel. I have trouble letting anyone get close. And I don't want anyone to see me cry. I have a very careful close group of friends. With those few, I let it all hang out. All the emotion, the anger, the sadness I feel. I have a larger group of friends who have no clue as to my insecurities. 

It's a constant struggle to open myself up to people and risk getting hurt. And no matter what anyone says, every deep down is afraid of getting hurt. It is the ultimate test to lay yourself open and be vulnerable. The last time I did, I was left hanging in the wind. To not be defensive and let people into your life. Some will be good, some will be bad, but to close yourself off, you will never be a complete person. And if you're lucky enough, you will find the person who can accept you flaws and all, and love and accept you anyway. 

Fear is the enemy, and no one should let it rule their life. Taking a chance is the only way to find true fulfillment and happiness. Otherwise, what you are doing just isn't living.

Rambling thoughts

I just got back from a conference on Andrews AFB. It was strange because I was rubbing elbows with some pretty important people. In fact, one of those important people offered to help me with a few things. Introductions and the like. I was impressed and people who know him well say he follows through if he says he will do something. That could be very beneficial to someone close to me.

I digress again, as I often do. I started a post when I came back from my last TDY. I didn't finish it though because it depressed me. When I got to the airport there were people lined up to welcome their loved ones home, and it struck me I rarely have anyone waiting for me. Then I got depressed and stopped writing. I would like to revisit though.

I think back to "When Harry Met Sally." Remember when Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan start talking on the plane? He said her relationship must be new because in a relationship you only take someone to the airport at the beginning. Once you've been together for awhile and the new has worn off, they stop taking you, or being affected in any way by your trip. I personally wouldn't know. They only people who have taken or picked me up from the airport are my parents and some of my best friends. And I am always very appreciative because it means I don't have to leave my car at the airport. 

It is so very nice for have someone waiting for you when you get home, but at the same time, after being with my co-workers for 18 hours a day for the five days, it was so nice to come home to peace and quiet. I took a bubble bath, poured a glass of wine, then cuddled up with my cats and a good book. Bliss!!

Still it does make me sad to come home alone. I spent the entire flight chatting with friends online. That was fun. I had to check work stuff, so I sprung for gogoinflight internet. I have to say, turning on pandora and chilling out on my computer made the flight go pretty fast. Of course, the minute I land - nothing. It's peaceful, but lonely. 

While I was chatting, a friend made a comment that upset me on several different levels. The situation is so incestuous, I'm not sure which aspect is more troubling. There is such a thing as too small of a world. On one hand, I feel like it was a shitty thing for one of these people to do this to me, however if I know one of them (and I do, very well), they didn't have a clue. That person's brain doesn't work on that wavelength. On another level, the fact that they didn't consider my feelings bothers me a great deal. There are some things that are off limits, and this crossed the basic line most people have. On the other side of this, I think the other person involved is using the first person to get back at me in some way. I noticed dagger looks coming at me when they thought I wasn't looking. How better to get back at me for some perceived slight than to use someone they know I care about? And again on the flip side, I didn't think that person was so petty. I'm not usually so wrong about people.

I may be wrong about the situation, but the offhand remark from my friend about it confirms my suspicions. To tie my thoughts back together, coming home to an empty apartment last night gave me too much time to think about what I heard last night.  I'm not going to dwell on it very long, because it's not worth my time. I just needed to talk to out. 

I have better things to worry about than people who care so little for me. I'll save my time for people who do care and write off people who don't.

Confidence

Based on a few conversations I've had or listened to lately, I want to address the subject of confidence. It is something that too much or too little of can really make a difference in how you are perceived. 

I've had a few people tell me I have swagger. This hasn't always been the case with me. I have previous blogs about getting back my mojo. I lost it for a long time. I joke that I left it in Texas, and didn't get it back until I moved home. I don't know what flipped the switch back on with me, but I do know I have more confidence now than I've had for years. This doesn't mean I don't have my moments of self-doubt and complete lack of confidence. 

I told someone, I know when I look good, but I qualify the statement with at least as good as I can achieve. I know I'm not someone strangers look at and go wow. I'm not going to be the girl someone picks out of a crowd. I'm ok with that. If my only purpose in life was to be beautiful, it might be daunting, but I'd rather people like me for intellect and dazzling personality. Those who really know me probably just snorted. I have a dry sense of humor and my honest, tell it like it is attitude turns people off on occasion. 

There are times when I do have swagger. And I can turn it on or off at will. I've also been told it's a sexy ability. Years ago, a very married friend said to me I could walk across a room like nobody else. He said I was just stunning. I was very flattered. And on that occasion, I had turned it on because I had a long walk across a not so crowded room and I felt self-conscience. Recently I walked up to a group of friends in one of my power suits and some sky scraper heels, and one of them just looked at me and said, "damn." It makes a girl feel good. I don't feel it most of the time. And I look at hot mess a lot. I'm ok with that too.

Lack of self-confidence can work against someone. No one likes when a beautiful person picks the one flaw they have out and focuses on it. It screams of insecurity. And when the same person is so supportive and complimentary of everyone else who pales in comparison, it can make you crazy to listen to. Why is that? Why do people do that? 

I have a friend (and I hope she reads this and keeps reading) who not only is beautiful, but she is good-hearted and loving and wonderful. One of the best people I know. I've spent our entire friendship faded in the background because every man we meet falls at her feet. She is amazing. I wish I could be as skinny and pretty and fit as she is. I wish when we went out, I was the one asked to dance every five feet. No - I'm the one completely ignored in the background. However, she doesn't believe in herself. She doesn't see what everyone else sees. And yes, she picks the one flaw and focuses on that. The truth is, if she didn't point it out, no one would notice. I love her and am amazed by all that she does. I just wish she would believe in herself the way those of us who love her believe in her. 

I mention this because it hurts me to see her do that to herself. To not have the confidence. Those who know her know she is a beautiful person inside and out, and to those who don't look past the outside, they are missing out. I'm afraid too many people only look at the surface, and have made her believe that it's the only thing that matters. And she won't let her friends pick themselves apart. She tells us we are beautiful and gives us confidence to believe in ourselves. If only she saw in herself what we see. And treated herself with the same loving, respect and acceptance she treats others with.

I have so many flaws physically, but I say fuck 'em, and do the best I can do with what I have. As a result, I appear to have confidence, which comes across as swagger. I will never be perfect physically, and I don't really need to be. I'm happy as I am. I'll have my down moments. I do feel bad about myself at times. 

We all feel bad about ourselves at times. The trick is to balance it. Don't be so full of yourself that you are annoying (no one is perfect). And don't be so self-critical that you only focus on the bad things. Everyone has good traits and bad traits, but a bad attitude can turn those good traits into bad and those bad traits into good. Find the balance and be good to yourself, and others will respond in kind.

Surprise!!!

Life is full of surprises, sometimes good and sometimes bad. The other night I was sitting outside on a deck and when I looked inside a house and got an eyeful of a bad one. I think I'm still traumatized. But I think it's the little surprises that make life a constant joy.

A good surprise is someone sending you flowers unexpectedly, for no particular reason. It's when someone, who remembers some random comment you made forever ago, brings you one of your favorite things just to cheer you up or comfort you. It's a call or an email from a friend you haven't heard from in awhile. The little things in life. Those things go a long way to helping us smile. 

Those are just examples. Maybe they aren't examples that work for everyone. They do make me smile. Heck, my boss brought us all flowers for something one day, and I smiled all day. My parents sent me a good luck plant the day before I had an important exam. That blew me away, mainly because they understood how important it was to me. I also have my good luck kitty beanie baby my mom gave me before another important exam. My kitty went with me to the exam. I perched him on my purse across the room so I could see him during the exam. I passed with flying colors. My kitty came with me to the second exam too, but he had to stay in the car.

I love it when you think something is going to go a certain not so good way, and then it turns out completely different in a way you never could have anticipated. A complete blindside that knocks you off your feet. This is my pessimistic self. Sometimes I can't image good things happening to me, even though good things happen all the time. I really am blessed in certain aspects of my life. In others, not so much.

I just felt like count my blessings tonight. I do have joy in my life, even if I don't express that emotion too much. Too often the negativity and realism comes out, and that is what I express instead of the happiness. 

I wish everyone the joy that comes from life's little surprises.

Steel Magnolia - That's Me!

So a dream of mine is finally coming true...I get to be in "Steel Magnolias." This play is an actress' dream. All of the characters are equally important and all of them are good. I only wish the opportunity had arisen when I was young enough to play either Shelby or Annelle. Then again, who am I kidding? I was never Shelby, the prettiest girl in town. I would have loved to play Annelle, but alas, I am too old. This go round I am play M'Lynn, Shelby's mother. In the future I hope I get the opportunity to play Ouiser and/or Clairee. Both are wonderful parts, as is the role of Truvy. I just think Truvy is too easy, which is why I really am honored to play M'Lynn.


M'Lynn has a very pivotal role in this play. She is the mother of a diabetic. Her daughter, despite warnings, decides to get pregnant, a condition that eventually leads to her death. M'Lynn has to deal with the stress of her daughter's marriage, pregnancy, kidney transplant and death within the confines of the play. It is an emotional roller coaster. I am dying to sink my teeth into it. If you are familiar with the movie, but don't remember the names, Sally Field played M'Lynn on the big screen. Those are some huge shoes to fill. I believe I am equal to the task. 


As I read the script there are certain parts I identify with more than others. Unfortunately I identify with them from the wrong angle. The first scene discusses Shelby's inability to have children. "There is no disgrace in not being able to have children," M'Lynn says along with, "It's not the easiest thing in the world to sit there and watch your child's heart break." Every time I read that part I think of my mom. My mom had to do that with me. 


There came a point when I found out I couldn't have kids. The doctor's never said it was impossible, but my medical condition along with the damage done to my cervix by a quack doctor when I was in my mid-twenties just made it likely I never was going to be able to carry a child to term. Miscarriages have run in my family anyway. My grandmother had many, many miscarriages, which is why my mother was an only child. My mother also suffered one before she had me. Mom and I didn't talk about it much, but it was always there hanging in the air. 


Mom and dad had a crib set up at their house so the grandkids could nap or sleep over on occasion. Emily and Dylan used it, and when Cole came along, he used it too. For years after Cole was too big for it, I asked mom why she didn't take it down. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. It was at that point I realized - she was waiting for me. I looked at her and told her she had to stop hoping I was going to have a baby. I was never going to be able to get pregnant and it hurt me to look at the empty crib and have to think about how I was never going to be able to have children. We both kind of cried over it. She still didn't take it down, so months later I grabbed my dad and asked him to help me take it apart and put it away. It was the final nail in the coffin of mom's hopes that I would have kids. 


I know I could adopt, but it took me years to come to terms with my childless state. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want children, and most men who want children wouldn't want to be with someone like me. It's the reason why I haven't let anyone close to me in years. Who want's a woman who can't have kids? Now this is an absolute permanent state. I have nothing left. They were going to save one of my ovaries when I went in for my hysterectomy, but it was in such bad shape, they went ahead and removed it. So I'm in menopause. It sucks at my age, but at least I feel better than I have in years.


The point of this is I identify with Shelby wanting kids no matter what, but being in this play is forcing me to see all of this from my mother's point of view. How it must have hurt her to see me going through all of my struggles. My dad too, but it's not quite the same. It also rocks me at the ending to have to do a scene about losing my daughter, when all I can think is I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I know it's selfish. I wasn't blessed enough to find someone who was willing to have me, barren and all. I'm getting a little too old now to start a family, so my time is running out. I admire my cousin who had a similar problem and has adopted. I hope to see her and meet her babies. 


I don't like to talk about this much, but I think about the title of this play, "Steel Magnolias." the analogy is women are so much stronger than men. We can handle almost anything life throws at us. Men are much more sensitive about things like this than they ever let on. That is why they shut down, when women cry to talk to friends. We are made of steel. I just hope when I get through this, my mother is looking down on me from heaven and proud of me for dealing with some of my personal demons by doing this play. But if I'm a little more emotional than usual, you know why. This is beating me up, but I am made of steel. You can chink my armor, but you aren't going to break it. 


Now if I can only do the play justice.

My world rocked!!

It was no secret to those around me this weekend that I was deeply troubled. I barely made it through the weekend. I do not like being asked if I'm ok. I do not like people feeling sorry for me. And I really don't like people thinking I'm stupid. The fact that a combination of all three of those things was happening over the weekend made it almost unbearable for me at times. Poor stupid Laura - that is me. At least to most of the people I was around.

I went back and forth between mad and sad most of the weekend. Thursday night I spent most of the night crying because I went out on a date with someone because I could. Not a real good reason to go out with someone. Thank goodness the person didn't realize I was upset. As I told a friend Saturday morning, I can be a pretty good actress. On Friday night, I had to pull over on the side of the road for 10 minutes. I was crying too hard to drive. I tried to make it home. In fact, I surprised anyone let me drive myself home considering the state I was in Friday night. I was trying to keep a smile on my face since it was my birthday, but as soon as I was alone, I crashed emotionally. Again, poor stupid Laura. People were just shaking their heads at me again and asking if I was ok. NO - I wasn't ok. I promise I wasn't.

On Saturday, I was just depressed. I didn't want to speak to anyone at all. I was determined to get through Saturday night's performance and skip the cast party. I really didn't cry very much, until I started thinking about my mom. I almost always cry when I think of my mom. Instead of grabbing my heart pendant, the one I grab a lot when I'm upset to give me strength, I grabbed my mom's amethyst necklace. It is a beautiful thing that my friend and I "designed" for my dad to give to my mom for Christmas one year. Something in me prompted me to put it on Saturday. I had a mini cry for my mom then I got in the car to go get some new fake eyelashes before driving to rehearsal.

All afternoon Saturday I had been listening to Kelly Clarkson Radio on I Heart Radio. It was playing all of the songs I love. In fact, when I got in my car, it was doing so well on songs, I plugged it back in to listen. All of a sudden a song came on that shouldn't have. It didn't match the other songs. I looked down and saw Carrie Underwood and was getting ready to turn it off when I realized what song was playing. It was "Jesus, Take the Wheel." As I listened to words of a song I rarely listen to, tears started streaming down my face.

"And for the first time in a long time, she bowed her head to pray. She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life. I know I've got to change, so from now on tonight,

"Jesus, take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own.

"I'm letting go, so give me one more chance, to save me from this road I'm on."

God speaks to us in mysterious ways. I need to let go of so many things. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but this literally rocked me. I couldn't speak to anyone when I got to the play on Saturday because I was trying to process. I cannot remember another time when God has spoke to me as vividly as he did on Saturday. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do next.

Sentimental Fool

Pretty Texas Bluebonnets!!!

Today I posted a picture I took as my co-worker and I were driving back to 90 after picking up Chinese food for lunch. Since I wasn’t driving, I had the opportunity to really look around and I saw Bluebonnets everywhere.  I am literally overwhelmed.

During my stint in Arkansas 2004-2011, only once was I home during Bluebonnet season. I constantly missed them during my time at Walmart. One year, my nephew, Cole, picked some Bluebonnets and put them in Styrofoam cup and gave them to me for my birthday. I took them all the way back home with me and put them on my desk at work. I made sure everyone who wasn’t from Texas got a good look at the Texas state flower.

Last Tuesday, I took the exit to Military from 90 and I saw my first Bluebonnets. Tears literally started streaming down my cheeks. I had to stop myself from really bawling as I was on my way to rehearsal. The truth is I was so overcome with emotion. It was like a homecoming. Seeing the Bluebonnets it was like I was finally home again.

It may surprise people to know I’m a tad bit sentimental. There are sometimes when I cry at the silliest things. There is one romantic comedy that has literally had me curled up into a ball crying because the happiness of the ending. I’m too embarrassed to admit which one it is. In fact, it used to be one of my favorite movies, but after my cry fest the last time I watched it, I have never been able to watch it again. It reminds me too much of the things I’m missing out on in my life.

On Wednesday, I will indulge in another sentimental activity. I’m going to see an old movie that is showing for one day only in theaters. This one doesn’t actually have a happy ending, but is still considered one of the most romantic movies ever made. I am going to see Casablanca. Not only is it sentimental, it is also one of the most quoted (and misquoted) movies ever made. I haven’t seen it in years, and never in the theater.  It was fate that I chose to get up out of my sickbed on Sunday afternoon and go to the movies with my bff. If I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have seen the ad for the movie. And even better, it is showing only at the theater closest to my house. I can’t wait.

The only sad thing is I will end up going by myself. I would love company, but that is not going to happen. There aren’t too many people as sentimental as me, and I really don’t let too many see me in that state. I may get teary eyed. I wish there was someone who was available to share this event with me. I would really like to share this wonderful movie.

That being said, I will go to the movie by myself and pig out on popcorn, bring lots of tissues and cry when she boards that plane. Who cares? If I look a little strange by myself then frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Passive Agressive - That's me!

I have been blowing up my both my Facebook and Twitter accounts the past few days. I have so much emotion to get out of me that I'm not sure what to do with it. It was so bad today, when I found a penny in my salad, I started crying. I have to get it out somehow, and somehow tweeting, and other written communications are less harmful than the other things I tend to do. Please don't read any further if you get offended or shocked. Also, if you don't want to hear me eviscerate myself, stop reading now. I'm going to be a little blunt.

Ok - you are still here. When I was young I used to hit things. Or kick things. I ended up getting x-rays quite a few times because I bruised and sprain my hands so much. I once broke someones nose twice (about a year apart in time). I kicked a hole in the wall of one of my apartments in college, once. This was after I pulled over for doing 88 in a 55 MPH zone. The cop who gave me a ticket that particular day told me I was going to kill myself, and I told him I didn't really care if I died. That day I didn't care. What happened to cause the events that day still haunts me. I try not to let those events rule my life, but they come back and haunt me at times. And the sad thing is there were only two people in the world who knew the effect it had on me, and unfortunately one of those people is dead.

In addition to hitting things I used to yell a lot. I threw some champion temper tantrums. I would scream and yell like a big baby and order people around. I was hell to live with if I didn't get my way. Doing this didn't do anything except run people off. I had a tendency to scare people. Intimidate. I hate that I lose control like that. So I've worked on that tendency. I rarely lose my temper now.

I have not, however, found a way to vent my frustration and anger in a productive fashion. Now I do things that have the ability to cause me damage. I drink too much at times to deal with stress. It's the times when I'm hurt or unsure that I really do bad things. Like say things I shouldn't. And especially do things I shouldn't.

Not too long ago I was hurt. Very hurt. And I ended up sleeping with someone I shouldn't have. In fact, to put it bluntly I had a one night stand. The sad part is it wasn't a stranger. I get into these moods and I just want to turn off my excessive emotion. And there is nothing colder than what I did recently. I could really care less and if it had been a stranger I wouldn't be dealing with the consequences. I don't know what to do when they come back. I'm used to them leaving.

I've come to the conclusion no one really wants me. Except for things that I'm sometimes willing to give. Not for anything meaningful. At least not anyone I actually want to be with. I can't make myself feel something for someone if I don't. I've had some of the best make friends in the world that I love to death. I would have given anything if I could have fallen for them. I'm blunt and honest, and pretty straightforward about things, so people always assume certain things about me. Yesterday I said I was tired of a certain aspect of my life. This is it - I'm tired of men thinking of me as an object. Yes - I flaunt it sometimes, but its because if I didn't turn on, I'd fade into the background and no one would know I was alive. I went out the other night and I was not in the mood, and I turned off. I was literally invisible.

So, when I'm feeling things, I put them out there. Just not directly. I rarely say things to the people who need things said to them. I try to put it out there so someone will see. And as someone said yesterday, it is sad. I'm a sad lonely individual just like one of the kids said. I should just resign myself to life alone, because its going to take a strong person to deal with what you are reading now. I'm self destructive, especially when I don't know what is going on, and I'm clueless right now.

And I do know passive aggressive isn't pretty.

A Small Measure of Peace

It is probably obvious to anyone who reads my blog, or my Facebook posts, or especially my tweets, that I have been on a gigantic roller coaster for months. My ups and downs have been epic. There haven't been a lot of in-betweens. 


I have been trying to work through a particular situation I have found myself in. In November, you may have caught a blog about losing a friend. Well, this situation was indirectly, or perhaps directly responsible for the loss. My friend didn't really approve. I really think when it still wasn't resolved after two months, she couldn't deal with it. It has been over six months now, and nothing much has changed. Except everything has changed. For better or worse, I think resolution will come soon. In some ways I don't want resolution, but mainly because I'm a coward who would rather stay with the status quo than risk making a change. At least in the case.


Last night I prayed about it. This is not something I do very often, and talk about even less. I pray for others. Usually small, quick prayers. I rarely let it all out there. I actually have prayed very little since my mom died. I think I prayed when I was trying to quit smoking, and when I was pondering the decision to accept the job in San Antonio. Other than that, I don't really remember much. I prayed a little last summer, as I do at times, to help me figure out if I was doing the right thing. That particular prayer is one that has been reoccurring most of my life. The funny thing is that it was answered in a way it had never been before. Seriously I've asked for the same thing at various points in my life, and last summer was the first time I got an answer. It led me to where I am right now.


I have been troubled this week for a few reasons. After a few events this week, my worry and self-doubt have escalated. I'm perplexed and frightened and unsure. And I did all I could do, and now I get to wait. I am doubtful the outcome I desire will happen, as much as I would like it to occur. I'm afraid to get my hopes up as I don't want to be shattered. I'm in turmoil. 


Last night I handed my worry over to the only one capable of handling it - GOD. I prayed for the strength to let go of my worry. I prayed for resolution and a small measure of peace. I can't worry about it anymore. I have so much worry in my life, I need to learn to let go. I know that isn't completely possible, but I feel more at peace then I have in a long time. 

Drunken Utterances

If you ever drink alcohol, chances are some time in your life you have drank too much and done or said something you regret. You may not even remember doing what it is you did, but usually there is a friend to remind you of your stupidity so the embarrassment can live on. 


I said something this weekend I shouldn't of said to someone I really shouldn't have said it to. I won't regret it. What I regret is a took something that isn't trivial and made it seem so. A friend the other night said that I was so cute in the way I talk so bluntly and open about things. There are some things I do talk bluntly about. Lately I have been very open about my dating life to friends. I would be anyway, but my talk lately have been very strategic, and used to mask something I'm trying not to show the world. What I'm trying to hide is not something I will share here, but I will explain what I'm trying tell the world.


When I set my mind to it, I can find dates and I can get men interested in me, despite my dating sabbatical in Arkansas. And yes, I admit it, I didn't go on many dates in Arkansas. In fact, there were very few people I even wanted to go out with. I can think of only one crush I had the entire time I was there. I think my illness and my weight gain (caused by my illness), caused me to lose my self-confidence. And there is the fact for years I was in a lot of pain, and I didn't want to be touched. It makes it really difficult to date when you don't want to be touched.  A year ago today, I took care of the problem that was causing me pain. That happened on the tail end of my diet where I lost almost 80 pounds. I actually did hit the 80 pound mark post surgery, but I gained about five back and I have kept it around the 75 pound mark since then. 


I periodically decide I will go out on dates. And each time I have done that since moving to SA, I have succeeded. I have even gone out with some men who I genuinely like. Even though there have been a few losers in there. When I get into this kind of mood, and my determination kicks in, I typically succeed. The problem is I'm doing it to say I did it. To prove to myself I can so out and have a good time. Then I talk about it. It makes me feel younger. It makes me feel like I did back in the day. That being said, dating makes me tired. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie or read or get on the computer or work out. And yes, I did say work out (yay me!!!). It really goes against my nature to date around and see different people, but doing so makes me not feel as old. Being in menopause at my age has really messed with my psyche. 


But regardless of how I feel about it, until my circumstances change, I will periodically make the effort to date people, and if I go out on two dates, with two different men in two days, yeah you will probably hear about it. Oh, did I mention a couple of weeks ago I went out two different men in two days? Last fall I had three different dates one week and was asked out by a fourth man. The sad part is I've done better than that, but not for a long time. 


Going back to drunk talking, this weekend I said something a little more bluntly than I meant it. I made something seem trivial that isn't. I really hate that I did that. And even better, a friend of mine also said some things in a drunken state regarding me and the same thing I accidentally talked about. The bad thing is she doesn't recall what she said, but it's fine. The result of these drunken utterances is I'm going to have to work through an issue I have been dealing with for a few months. The one I have been trying to hide, even from myself. 


Sometimes letting your guard down, even if it is by artificial means, is a good thing. As a result of all of this, I have said some things that needed to be said. I wish I could say I've said them all, but there are still a few things outstanding. They will be resolved soon I hope, but it's one painfully slow step at a time. 


In the meantime, I will try not to be embarrassed by what I said to the wrong person the other night. I will have to face them soon, so I need to get over it. I will try not to open my big mouth about this particular subject again. 

Limitless

Ok - I'm not limitless. Who is? The real subject of this particular entry is limitations. We all have them. The trick is to recognize what those personal limitations are.


The subject of limitations has come up frequently lately. I'm pretty good at recognizing some of my own. I'm not the smartest person in the world, nor the prettiest. I'm certainly not the skinniest or the fastest or the most fit. And I'm no spring chicken anymore either. But I'm really not talking about those kinds of limitations.


I am a decent singer. I'm certainly not great. I can only sing certain things and I usually have to work my ass off to get those songs. I was taking voice lessons for awhile, and I really would like to take lessons again. It's one of those things I would like to improve on. However, when I work at it, I can kick butt. Someone said to me recently I have a broadway voice. I think it was meant as a compliment, and I will take it as such. However, my broadway voice would like to have a recording voice, but it's just not happening. I know my voice is unusual, and it is my lot in life to deal with it. Because its something I wish I was better at, I work at stretching my limits. To be the best that I can be, which is not the best.


I love doing theater. It is the most fun, even at its most exhausting. I'm not a natural actress and I can only do so much, but I recognize that. I'm well beyond playing a teenager, and I'm fine with that too. I know sometimes you have to take a supporting role. Only once in my theater career have I had a lead. And it rocked. I'm going to submit that play to LPAG because it is hilarious. The chances of me being cast as the lead again are slim, but who knows? It was hard being the only straight character in a comedy. The last few years I haven't been offered any major roles, mainly because the chosen plays weren't me. In fact, someone on a play reading committee said to me she would be looking for a script for me because I was so good, and none of the plays chosen recently had fit me. I really couldn't believe someone thought that highly of me.


The point of all of this is not everyone is meant to do everything. As much as we wish we could. Recognizing your own limitations makes those unrealistic expectations we all have hurt less when we don't reach those goals. I am not the best at everything, so when I say I'm good at something, watch out. Lately people have been going on about my supreme baking skills. I admit, I am a pretty good baker. I don't do it very often though. And lately, I've been getting lots of requests for my baked goods. It is a great feeling. 


What isn't a good feeling is wanting something, and thinking you should get something without eyeing the big picture. We all can't be the stars. We all can't be the best. There is nothing that bothers me more than a diva thinking they are entitled to something, and when they didn't get it pouting about it and then refusing to be in the background. I'm telling you now, the best "star" in the world is nothing without a great chorus to back them up. Sometimes those back-up parts are the most important ones. 


By knowing your limits, you can be limitless, as you won't need to be crushed when your unrealistic expectations aren't achieved. Delusions of grandeur can cause the mighty to fall. Be the best you can be, at whatever it is you want. You might be surprised by what you find out about yourself.

How do you see yourself?

The photo shown on this blog entry was taken a week ago. When I saw the picture, I couldn't believe how good my thighs looked. I asked the photographer how she got my legs to look so thin. She kind of laughed at me.


Tonight I was looking at pictures at a friends house, and this one came up, and I exclaimed I couldn't believe the photographer had gotten my thighs to look so good. My friends proceeded to jump all over me and tell me, they have seen my thighs and they always look that thin and that good. I'm like really? Then one friend made the comment, we never see ourselves as others see us.


This is so true. I look at myself in the mirror most mornings and just think fat.  I can't stand my legs most of the time. My arms make me cringe; they are so bulky. Maybe others don't see me that way, but its the way I see myself. And when I think of it, most girls I know think the same way. 


I nothing insightful to offer on this subject. I hear myself making disbarring comments about my various body parts, and I can't seem to stop it. I would do anything to lose another 20 pounds. Most of my friends would too. I'm not sure what is it in society that has created a generation or more of people with such negative body images. 


Why do we disparage ourselves so much?


If you can answer that, please share, because you must be smarter than I am.

My Own Personal Hell

Having a mirror shoved into your face in public, showing you how stupid you are is not a fun experience. Having the same mirror shoved into your face a second time, makes for such unpleasantness. 

A friend of mine the other night told me I was one of the smartest people she knew. I appreciate that. I'm no dummy. In fact, I remember a conversation a long time ago where someone told me the reason I was single was because I was too intimidating; that my average looks (my words, not the other person's) combined with my intelligence was enough to scare every man I might be interested in off. I was then compared to someone I hated. I proceeded to dumb myself down in public, so maybe I wouldn't run people off. Dumbing myself down doesn't make me dumb. 

I sometimes wish I could be oblivious. I wish I didn't know when I was being stupid. I know I'm making a bad decision, but I do it anyway. Emotional intelligence is a buzz phrase in corporate culture right now, and I graduated top of my class. But I have a blind spot about me. However if you need relationship advice, come my way. I'm usually dead on when it comes to other people's relationships.

There is a song that has the following lyrics "You make me feel like I want to be a dumb blond in a centerfold, the girl next door." I really wish I could be dumb and oblivious. Then maybe things wouldn't bother me so much. Maybe I wouldn't feel like a complete fool right now. 

Feeling stupid is my own personal hell. And boy am I in it right now. 

Silence is Golden

Today is one of those rare days. Those days where I manage to actually make it through the day without talking to anyone, not withstanding my chiropractor's office who called to check on me. 


It is strange to think I actually long for those days when I don't have to talk to anyone. Days of silence when I can reflect on my life. Think about those things I'm doing wrong and doing right. Things I should change, things to keep working on and things I should keep on doing the same.


I know people who can't stand being alone, although they are the lasts ones to admit it. They must find something to do, or someone to talk to in order to feel complete. Today, other than a brief text interchange to check on a friend I was worried about, I haven't really chatted with anyone. I haven't wanted to. I've been dreading something of late, and it has been causing me just a tad bit of anxiety. I'm anxious not because I don't know the outcome, but because I don't know which outcome might be better for me. On different levels, each would be a good thing.


That particular anxiety is deeply embedded in my subconscious and not something I want to admit to myself. That maybe the hard thing would be the best thing. That maybe the thing that hurts the most in the short run may be the thing that is best for me in the long run. Or maybe not. I keep waiting for something to happen and it's not. I expected the shoe to drop already, but some how it isn't happening. Now I'm perplexed as to what to do. I was expecting something to happen and it didn't . Now I'm just not sure what to do with myself.


Silence really is golden at times. It gives me a chance to think deep thoughts. It gives me a chance to center myself and gain some clarity and insight. Whatever the motives for the actions I'm taking in my life, and I can guarantee most people in my life do not know my true motives, it is days like this that serve to reaffirm my course of action. For better or worse. I hope for the better. I truly do. 


No matter what, I'm trying to enjoy life. I'm going to have fun and try not to get into too much trouble. And most of all enjoy days like this.

What is talent?

As some of my new San Antonio peeps prepare for a whirlwind week competing for slots in Tops In Blue via the Air Force Worldwide Talent Competition, I keep on thinking about talent and what that really means.


I know so many talented people. And talented in so many ways. Talent doesn't come in just one form. I'm surrounded by many musically talented people. And some wonderful dancers. I have a few friends who are wonderful photographers. Other can make a computer dance.  A few are talented writers. And some are so quick-witted that I don't know whether to laugh or be envious. 


Talent comes in many forms shapes and sizes. And everyone has some kind of talent. It just may not come in the form you wish. I feel like I'm not great at anything, but good at a few things. Of course that is a matter of opinion. I'm  decent writer, and I worked my butt off to become one. It wasn't easy. I also took singing lessons for a year to try and become better at that. I'm still not real consistent (see below). 


To those people with natural talent, I envy you. For those who don't have natural talent, develop it. Hard work makes all of the difference in the world. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Embrace it, and it will make you happy. 

So this is me singing a song I've been working on. It is in no way perfect. There are some rough spots, but overall I'm pleased with this. It takes a lot for me to put this out there. I do have a YouTube channel, but only because I wanted to comment on friend's videos. So if you are interested: http://youtu.be/rkCEBfzWVr8. 


Break a leg to my peeps competing in Worldwide this week. I'll be there to cheer you on if I'm physically able to get there. You are all very talented. 

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming?

The lines to a song..."If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me." - Blue October.

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I don't remember the details after, usually, but I remember the subject. Most of the time my dreams lately have been so normal and everyday. Mundane really. The only thing out of the ordinary is they all have a reoccurring theme. Until tonight.

Tonight I dreamt I was forced to watch something. That something was painful to watch and not something I want to be put through. It was sparked by something I heard someone say last night that I couldn't get out of my mind. It magnifies a particular fear I have, caused by anxiety of a certain situation in my life. This is not something that plagues me every minute of every day, but something that crosses my mind from time to time.

Maybe the dream wasn't caused by the fear itself, but what I did last night. I let an offhand comment get to me and cause me to do something I said I wouldn't. I always do this, and I hate it. It shows weakness on my part. I do not like to be perceived as weak. I gave in to an impulse, that I once again regret. So here I am at 4:15 a.m. wide awake, on the verge of tears from exhaustion. I've been wide awake since two, and I wasn't sleep well before then. Definitely a toss and turn night.

I believe whole heartily that our dreams tell us things if we pay attention, though rarely do they speak the same language as we do. What they mean, who knows? I used to keep a dream dictionary close at hand, but it only works if you can remember your dreams.

Tonight's dream I wish I could forget. It was too close to everyday life, and not something I want to see in my dreams or in real life. My alarm is set to go off in 30 minutes. I've only slept about two hours. I'm not looking forward to this day, but at least if I'm awake I won't be dreaming.

What is it about a new year?

At the turning of a new year, all of us seem to take inventory of our lives. What are we doing right, what are we doing wrong? Are there people we need to cut from our lives, or people we need to let in?


Why is it that a new year turns people into matchmakers? I think it is hilarious that once again someone attempts to set me up again on new years eve. In this case, they didn't quite get the guy there, but they told me he has seen my facebook, and seems interested. Of course, sometimes I think my facebook might scare anyone off. I tend to let it all hang out on my facebook. I'm always willing to meet new people because you never know what they will mean to your life.


I have spent the last few days really thinking about my life. I'm overall very happy, but there are definitely things missing from my life. And there are some very unhappy, sad, or scary things in my life. I over compensate for being sad by laughing too much. Someone recently told me I gave the impression of being silly and immature. Oh, if they only knew how off the mark they were. I'm actually a little too serious most of the time. I long for people in my life who don't allow me to take myself so seriously. I really just want to laugh. And have fun. BUT - I take my responsibilities very seriously.


I just saw the saddest thing while I was writing this. A friend of mine lost her fiance yesterday. They spent a fabulous new year's eve together, and he died the next day unexpectedly. This is real life, not a story. It makes me want to reevaluate my life completely.  I'm blown away.

If I have learned no other thing in life it is the carpe diem - seize the day. Why make yourself miserable? Why not grab the bull by the horns and take pleasure in the small things? And maybe the large things? There is a song with the words..."All the pleasure is worth all of the pain." Sometimes that is true. Why not take the pleasure and the fun as it comes? I can't regret the things I do in life. Life is too short.

I am thankful for all I have. Sure I want more, but I'm not going to spend my time lamenting over what I may be missing out on.