Illusions

Aren't we all full of illusions? Doesn't everyone put on a mask in certain situations? The trick is realizing when to take those masks off.

There was a day not too long ago, where I was put through the ringer. I spent four hours in hell, then had to go be social. I was around a bunch of people I've never met. I'm shy anyway when I don't really know a bunch of people in a place, but after the afternoon I had, I was just tapped out. Not really even close to my best. I really didn't think too much of it at the time, other than these people were talking about stuff I really didn't know about. All I could think was they were all so young, and I really didn't fit in.

I was told recently those same people thought I was unfunny and trying too hard. It's funny, I really don't remember much about the night. I was too strung out from my afternoon. Funny how that night made such an impression on others. And not a good one. Basically, I guess I came across as fake.

I'm really not a fake person, but I hide myself. In my life I've offended so many people from just being me. Certain people think I'm funny, but others just think I'm weird. That is why all of my friends are very unique individuals. And it takes a long time before I let it all hang out, so to speak.

It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable. So many times people have gotten to know me and not liked what they see. I don't like myself sometimes. The last few years I've used humor to deflect attention off myself, so people can't see how much I hurt sometimes. I do talk to people and I do let it out some, but my rocks have needed rock of their own lately, so I try not to lend too hard.

It's not that I'm not having reactions and feeling things, I just have trouble letting others know what I'm feeling. I hide behind a mask. I'm a good actress at times.

And I was again told lately, that I'm too good of an actress. It hurts. It really hurts. Then again, it's hard to be real when someone is pushing you away.