Happy New Year's

Before the festivities begin tonight, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy new year. I have so much on my mind right now, that I'm having trouble narrowing down just exactly what I want to convey in this particular blog. So I may break my new year's blogs into several, just to break it up, so be prepared. The subject today is resolutions.

Everyone talks about new year's resolutions this time of year. I was taught through my diet program only to set obtainable goals, so that is what I'm going to do. So here goes - some of my hopefully obtainable goals:

1. I resolve to try not to let people get under my skin. Especially when these people don't matter a whit to me. Why do I let people bother me? Who knows, but it is constant struggle. If I can achieve this goal once, I'll be successful.

2. I resolve to try not to cry over people who wouldn't bother crying over me. I'll save my tears for people who matter. At least I'll try to. But if I get mad, all bets are off. I always cry when I get mad. It's better than hitting things, which is what I used to do. Crying is the least self destructive thing I can do when I'm mad.

3. I resolve to keep on working out in some way. There are so many way to work out.  I don't have to stick to one routine. I can change things up as I feel like it. It makes for all the more interesting workout. The important thing is to keep doing it. I'm may not be the skinniest, or the fittest, but I look pretty darn good for my age. All I need to do is continue what I've already done all year (except for the two months following my surgery, when the doctor wouldn't let me work out.).

4. I resolve to not get my heart broken. No, that isn't right. Maybe I resolve to allow myself to get into a relationship where there is a possibility of not getting my heart broken. My last few relationships haven't been the healthiest in most people's eyes. Maybe not even in mine. I have a problem, in that I don't particularly want someone around me all the time, and as a result I seem to attract who are not good relationship material. At least not the kind of relationship I ultimately need.

I have so much love to give to someone, and I spend most of my time just bottling it up so no one can get to me (or I can pretend they aren't getting to me, anyway). I also don't really have a jealous bone in my body. Not really. That is something I used to talk to my mom about. If I want someone who is not going to be jealous, I can't really be jealous either. I may get resentful at times, but I'm no hypocrite. With trust and honesty, this shouldn't ever be an issue. 

To complete this section, as it is important, there is nothing wrong with passing the time with a few wrong ones while looking for the right one. You never know when what is wrong may end up being right. I mean, I've had a lot of right ones turn out wrong...

5. I resolve to continue to look for and do things that will make me healthy, happy and whole. I will try not to hold on to things that are harmful to my well being.

6. Finally I resolve to take my life one day at a time and enjoy each one to the fullest. I will take joy in the small pleasures. I will try to not over-analyze everything and just relax and go with it. If I fail one day, I will resolve not to the next day. No recriminations.

Happy New Year!!!

A New Person...

Not too long ago I was taking a walk with a friend and we were chatting about various topics. Now I was wearing basically sweats and a t-shirt along with my new running shoes. Not looking too hot, but boy was I comfy.

At first I was talking about running. After the Rock and Roll, I was bitching about hating running, and never doing it again. Mainly because it hurt so much. After about a week I was missing it, so I changed my goal. Instead of trying to run 13.1 miles, how about two to three miles. I never ran the entire thing anyway, so my new goal is to speed up and cover shorter distances. And to maybe run for two miles straight. I was telling my friend this, and they told me that in a weird kind of way they were proud of me. I guess, I just don't want to lose the ground I've gained.

The subject somehow turned to shoes. First off, I was not with a female friend. So talking about shoes was not an everyday conversation. Over Thanksgiving I bought  a pair of shoes that are basically silver sequins and five inches high. They are pretty. They are "hot" to say the least. The women who have seen my shoes agree they are awesome. I've had two reactions from the two men who have seen them without me wearing them - one is hooker heels, and the other was just a jaw drop. They are really special shoes.

Totally Awesome Shoes!!!

So I was talking about my awesome new shoes, but not in the way you'd think. I was talking about what I was thinking buying shoes like that. Why do I keep buying heels? And four inch and above heels? I'm 5'8". I'm already tall. These shoes top me out at over six feet. I said to my friend, I don't understand why I keep buying these shoes. They are horrible for my back and feet, the cause of my knee issue (I fell while wearing heels and tore cartilage), and they hurt. I'm a casual girl, a tom boy. I like my sneakers and my sweats. Heels are not who I am. They aren't me.

My friend basically said to me, maybe they are who I'm trying to become, or I'm already becoming. A new person. A hybrid. Maybe I need to balance my exercise that brings out my tom boy side, with the ultra feminine heels. I still wear comfy clothes and slacks, but I'm more likely to grab the heels than the flats. I love the way it makes me feel, when I don't feel like a total giant.

Speaking of which, isn't it nice not to have to worry about someones ego? We were joking about trading someone in for a taller model. As a girl who has dated so many men my height, or shorter, I had to laugh about the guy who doesn't like his girlfriend to wear heels. I personally like a man who doesn't care if a girl is a little taller. It speaks volumes when they don't mind.

Getting back to the subject I was talking about earlier. This morning I grabbed my flat boots. The ones I have had since 2004. The ones I have changed the soles out on twice. I haven't been wearing them much lately because I got these awesome heeled boots. I've worn them shopping and everything. Guess what? When I put on my flat boots, I felt weird and short. It took me a little bit to get used to being so short. It was surreal.

So I ask you, am I a new person? Or am I just letting my inner diva out again? I'm not sure, but I can't wait to wear my totally awesome glittery shoes.

Merry Christmas???

Merry Christmas to one and all. I will not pretend in this forum to be happy. If I'm happy, it's because I've it through Christmas once again.

Last night we participated in our "new" Christmas Eve tradition of attending the "ICE" Exhibit at the Gaylord Texas. The exhibit is really fantastic, if not really cold. I thought my fingers were going to fall off. Usually I'm a little more prepared, but this year I was frozen when I got out. The Shrek babies were so cute (not to mention the donkey babies). We then all went to dinner before separating to go various Christmas gatherings today.

Daddy and I went to the WinStar Casino to spend the day. I actually only spent $20. For me we are bout talking miracle, here. I actually won a $150 on one machine, so I was able to play a long time. It was nice to spend the day with my daddy.

A friend this morning posted to facebook, that one day she would like to wake up on Christmas morning and not be sad. I sent her virtual hugs, and we promised each other we would smile. Christmas is one of those days where the memories just flood back. Not necessarily in a bad way. I remember the good, the fun and the silly. I remember getting Santa presents until my mid-30s. Mom always tried to make Christmas special for me because she knew no one else would.

I am not trying to be sad today. Today was a good day. Days like today are few and far between, mainly because I have lived so far away since 2004. I have one of the best dad's in the world. Spending the day with him means the world. Spending and entire Christmas day without feeling like the odd one out was indeed priceless.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I wish you all the blessings in the world. May your day be merry and bright...I won't wish for a white Christmas, because duh - I live in Texas.

Happy Holidays!!!

Smile - What choice do you have?

"Smile though your heart is aching.

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.

 

If you smile through your pain and sorrow.

Smile and maybe tomorrow.

You'll see the sun come shining through. For you.

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near.

That's the time you must keep on trying.

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile."

Yesterday we got bad news. If you know my history you can probably guess. It is not a secret that my dad has cancer. Yesterday we got word, that he needs to start chemo again. In addition, he is going to have to surgery first for an entirely different reason. He called it the double whammy. Both not good, but neither one completely surprising. I'll admit I lost it in fear on Monday night. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. The not knowing is worse for me. The dreading. I had a bad feeling going into yesterday, and I was right.

Cancer is a scary, scary thing. It took my mom, one of my friends, and many relatives. It is ravaging not only on those suffering from it, but on the loved ones watching the fight. My friend Mike fought for approximately 13 years. He left a wife, who I consider a friend, and two beautiful children, who are not really kids anymore. They all still miss him and it has been three years. Mike's fight with cancer left an impression on me I can't explain. He lived his life, not as a victim of cancer, but as a survivor, grateful for every moment he had with his friends, his family, his wife, and his children. He taught me so much, and made me appreciate my life in ways I never had before.

My dad has the same wonderful attitude. His positive outlook just beams from him. He is an inspiration to so many people including me. We will get through this again. I have to believe that, otherwise I may break.

The words to the song above are an illustration of my life. Those who have known me for a long time would never describe me as giggly. Now I just try to laugh, if I can. I want to be around people who distract me, make me laugh, and keep me from brooding. I brood a lot. I might be laughing, then all of a sudden cry. I might withdraw for awhile without a word, just to process all the emotions I am feeling. Have patience. I love my daddy. I am petrified. And I know he will read this, and worry about me. Just like I worry about him. I love you, Daddy!!!

Last night someone wished me luck and strength. I need luck, to not inappropriately lose it in the wrong situation. Strength I have. Most of the time.

In the meantime, I will do what the song says and just smile.

The Curtain Closes

We finished my latest show a few days ago. I'd like to say it was fantastic, but I have literally never had more trouble in my life with a show. I have never had trouble memorizing lines before. EVER. I mean, I was in a play a few years back where I had 350 lines more than the next person, and had five long monologues. I may have missed a few there because of nervousness, but I knew the lines.

For whatever the reason, I had trouble this entire play. I once went two weeks where all I did was rehearse other people's plays, not my two. Then there were the two weeks where one of my co-stars was sick and he couldn't rehearse. We worked on my other play during that time, but that was during the ill fated gender switch. We switched back roles, and then I had to learn it all over again. Since I learn by repetition, rehearsing once a week didn't help. And I can read my lines all I want, but not having someone to check me or read them with me hurt me big time.

All excuses I know, but the bottom line is, this was not a good play for me. I think I need a lot more interaction on stage to be more successful. More people to interact with. I really don't know what it was, but I pretty much sucked.

I am so glad it is over. I am disappointed in myself. And even worse, on the second to last show I'd had too much to drink and could barely get my lines out. I remembered them ok, but I couldn't say them. My car stayed on-base Friday night, as I had to be driven home. I'm still so embarrassed. It didn't help for people to be texting my keeper, to tell him to keep me away from the booze. Really, I was actually sitting with him when one of texts came in, and I saw it..."Whatever you do, keep Laura away from the liquor." If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

Whatever the reason, or cause, this will definitely be a show to remember, for a lot of reasons. I'm just glad it is done.

Musicians Ruined Me For Life

Earlier this week I posted a song on my Facebook page that reminds me of a certain person, and I mentioned my thing for musicians. On that particular song, a "friend" of mine played it on his guitar and sang it for me one night when we were talking on the phone. I have never forgotten. Having someone sing and play for you that intimately is something you remember. This wasn't the beginning of my thing for musicians.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a young high school freshman. I gained the admiration or attention of a senior. The senior asked me out, only I had to get my parents permission. I didn't think this would be a big deal, but boy was I wrong. You see he was in a high school garage band (guitar player). My parents wouldn't let me go because he might be a bad influence on me. I remember my mom saying he was nice and she liked him, but between his age and his status as a rock band member, he was off limits. So musician became the forbidden fruit. For the record, this same guy is still a nice guy, and very respectable now. His early days didn't ruin him.

Then came the one mentioned in my opening. I used to love listening to him play with his band, long before we ever became friends. He sang and played. So began my fascination with singers. In fact, I'm not sure those two didn't play together a few times.

Then there was this cop - a detective. He was very much a tough guy. Imagine my surprise when I found out he played guitar. Every once in awhile he would wake me up on weekend mornings by playing this really bluesy rock. He played Hendrix. Sexy guitar stuff. It didn't happen often, but when it did, oh wow, did it make me melt. A singer, he was not, but he did that guitar justice.

I love Prince when he plays guitar - think the Purple Rain soundtrack, which I'm downloading as a type this. Purple Rain is beautiful and haunting. I saw him in concert about 10 years ago and he switched in between various guitars and the piano during the concert. Dang it he can play. Seeing a piano player play and sing is pretty hot too. Drums, also, come to think of it. Although as talented as Phil Collins is, he is not sexy.

Last night at Not So Silent Night they were going on about Jason Derulo being of of People's picks for sexiest men, but alas it was cold so he kept his shirt on.  :( Dancer with a good voice works too. I will admit he was good. Tiao Cruz has a beautiful talking voice, and I could just listen to him talk. However when it comes to straight talking, Brendon Fraser is my winner. Travie McCoy rocks the rap, and Blue October was fantastic. I was more impressed by Cobra Starship in person than I have ever been of them on the radio. Shout out to Tim Halperin too, who is a piano player/singer. He was great last night too. Musicians just rock!!!

So the point of my story, I love talented musicians and singers. I love live music. I gravitate towards these kinds of people. I can't resist it. Even if I'm not attracted, I still love to hear and watch. Or just close my eyes and listen. Music just moves me period. I have ballads on my playlists because they are beautiful to listen too. A velvet voice melts me. Trent Reznor is brilliant also. I love so many for so many reasons.

My mom ruined me for regular non-musical guys forever by making them the forbidden fruit. Thanks mom. And I'm not being sarcastic. THANK YOU!!! They are the best!

What's Your Type?

Last night I was chatting with a friend when somehow the subject of types came up. Not only were we talking about the type of people we like hang out with in general, but our romantic interests. Whether we admit it or not we gravitate towards the same type of people over and over.

We are all attracted to certain physical traits. We may stray from our type from time to time, but it always come back to chemistry. I went a stretch where with one exception I didn't date anyone under 6'4". My cut off for short was actually 6'5", but there was one of my favorites who was under that, so I adjusted for him. I dated so many short guys in high school, I wanted a break. That break lasted a few years, with a few exceptions. I wanted to date only tall men because they made me feel petite.

Another thing I'm attracted to is big calves and muscles. I remember one day, one fantastic day, my mother introduced me to one of her favorite students. I had never met him. All I knew about him was he was smart. I met him on a college visit field trip. We instantly hit it off and ended up talking all day long. It was cold in the morning when we left so we all had on sweatshirts. At the football game later in the day we were all hot so we bought t-shirts to change into. The girls changed in the bathroom then we went up into the stands. This guy changed in the stands. I already liked him, but when he took his shirt off, I about died...ripples of muscles every where. OMG - I was 15 and I was drooling. Heck every girl there was. He had a girlfriend at the time, but it didn't stop us from connecting. The minute he and his girlfriend broke up, he asked me out and I got to drool up close and personal. Jace was short and stocky with muscles, big calves and a brain. My first and most prevalent type.

They have to be smart. I don't have friends, much less boyfriends who aren't smart. This doesn't mean you have to have a degree, but people who make me think and keep me on my toes are who I want to be around. I love watching someone's mind click. It's a total turn on. At least when it comes to romantic interests for lack of a better turn. In its place, I have friends that fill that need, but it's not quite the same. I have a penchant for engineers and computer geeks. I just love those types. Analytical and off-beat. It has been a constant regret that I wasn't attracted to more of my friends. I wish I had been, but alas it hasn't happened. And it's not because they aren't attractive, I'm just attracted to them.

I have another type, but they are for special occasions. My vacation/relaxation boys. Look at my vacation photos and somewhere you will probably see one or more of my beach boys. They are a distinct type, but one I only indulge in on short term basis. The pretty boys.

I like interesting, unique, unusual. Maybe not what society would consider the most handsome, or the sexiest or the most perfect, but to me they are the best. Who wants perfection? God knows I'm not perfect. I'll never be skinny. I have a JLo booty. My thighs are huge. My calves are big (that is why I like big calves on men - lol). I'm generic looking. I had boyfriends and friends mistake other women for me, repeatedly. It's happened to me twice since I've moved to San Antonio. I have doppelgangers everywhere.

My point is, I'm sure I am someone's idea of perfection. Someone's type. Just like I will find my ideal. That is what its all about. I've been looking for a sexy geek all my life. He may not be sexy to everyone else, but as long as he's sexy to me that is what counts. And guess what? I'm a geek too.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It means that each person has their own idea of perfection. It trick is to find the one you think is beautiful (or handsome or sexy), and have them feel the same way about you. And I honestly believe when its right, you see the flaws and love then in spite of them. No one is perfect and if you are telling yourself your significant other is perfect, you are fooling yourself.

So I ask you, what is your type?

Cut Yourself Off

Disclaimer - this is one of my bad attitude posts. Don't read if you are going to get offended.

The last two years I have been trying to cut myself off. To back away from the things I was dependant on in order to lessen the hurt when those things disappear.

For example, when I moved to Arkansas, I started calling my mom each night because I knew she missed me. I would tell her about my day, and talk about what was going on back at home. It made me less homesick and helped mom deal with the fact I moved to another state. I meant it to be a transition, but it got to where we did it every day when I got home from work. I became to depend on it. The hardest part of my mom getting sick and not making it was losing those daily talks. She knew me better than anyone else and she was my sounding board for almost everything.

After mom was gone, I realized I have to stand on my own. I can't depend on anyone else to meet that kind of need in my life. I purposely don't call home, not because I don't need the contact, but because if I don't make that contact, maybe it won't hurt as much if it's not there. I have to learn to be by myself someday. So after mom died, I backed off. Every couple of days, then once a week. I have to learn how to function without that crutch. God knows I have friends, for the first time in my life. I have people I can talk to. I try to spread that out though. No sense relying too heavily on anyone all the time.

I guess it is probably better I have no clue what is going on. That way I can't get upset, I have no opportunity to worry, and won't miss it at all when the sources dry up. I'm trying to get practice for when I'm completely on my own.

The moral of the story is cut yourself off from the pain before it really bites you in the ass. Then when the phone doesn't ring, or you hear things from second and third hand sources, it doesn't hurt when the people who should be communicating don't.

TMI

I apologize for sharing too much sometimes, but it's a free country. You may choose to read my stuff, or not. If you read my stuff you know I'm trying to be funny most of the time, but always real. And honest.

I'm not going to vilify someone for speaking their mind on facebook or any place else. I may disagree with you and argue with you about it, but I'm not going to be mean or call you names if your opinion varies from mine. I can be negative, but usually I'm being realistic. And I'm only mean to people who know me, and know I'm joking. They mean to me also, and I know they are joking too.

Most of us share too much information via facebook. Why do you think it is so addictive?

Since I moderately sure no one is reading my blog who is going to judge me for what I'm about to say, I'm going to share.

I am frustrated and scared and lonely and at this particular moment I really want to cry. I doubt that I'm doing the right thing, and I wonder if I'm becoming what I hate the most. Am I being self-destructive, or am I just going to self destruct? I know I'm hurting myself right now, and somehow I can't stop myself from doing it. Not everyone knows what I'm talking about, but if you do know I'm troubled. I haven't fallen into the "trap;" however I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Is this me? I'm not sure, and most of the time I don't care.

That's it for tonight. Sweet dreams.

I Am a Coward

I have been down lately. I admit it. I've reverted back to the glass half-empty. The truth is I don't do well when I'm unsure. I flounder when my goals are uncertain, when I'm scared, when I can't figure things out. Basically all the time.

I love to know things. I believe all knowledge is good. I can't stand not being in the know about something. It really drives me nuts. I admit I'm in a state of unsurity right now. I don't know what is going on, I'm being kept in the dark about things, etc. Basically I have no clue what is going anymore.

My problem now is I am a coward. I'm afraid of the answers I'm seeking, therefore I avoid the problem. I don't ask questions because I'm afraid I actually know the answers to the questions. I am currently driving everyone who talks to me crazy. Mostly because I hate confrontation. So I am running in circles like a hamster in a wheel making no progress whatsoever in resolving the sourse of my unease.

So now you know my secret, I'm really a non-confrontational coward. There will come a point when my patience at a lack of resolution runs out. At that point it's likely I will run away. Mostly because I'd rather run away than risk losing my temper by confronting the source of my frustration.

I really am a chicken. There you go.

Stranger than fiction

I usually try to create provocative titles for my blog, but I'm not feeling too creative tonight. I won't even pretend I had a great Thanksgiving. It wasn't bad, but I felt claustrophobic for some reason. I tried to schedule some "me" time, but it didn't work out too well. So I came home early, and I'm so glad because I am exhausted. However, that is not why I'm writing today.

Why is it we can be open and honest with complete strangers, or people we barely know? Why can we discuss things we might not want our friends or family or significant other to know with a stranger?

I spent Friday afternoon texting with a friend I haven't seen since I was 18 years old. I asked him to beat someone up for me facebook style. This request ended up turning into a conversation about things I really needed to talk about. It just happens that this particular friend has experience with the thing I was wondering about and he answered some questions for me. He also directed me to some reading material that might assist me. Today he even suggested I talk to someone else who might be able to help me even more.

Regardless of the subject, which I will  not discuss here, there is someone else I should be discussing this with, but I don't and won't. I will go into intimate details of my life with people i barely know rather than confront things head on with the person I should be talking to about things. I am a chicken. I can talk about anything with anyone except the person I should discuss things with. In fact, I'm pretty sure I lost a friend I've known for 20 years because I told her something she didn't like and then she stopped speaking to me. I got punished for sharing something. I've shared the same thing with a few other people and although they are worried about me they are supportive and encouraging.

It is a fact that we either completely abuse the people we love verbally (believe me I don't lose my temper with strangers often), or we talk to anyone except them. I'm shy and sometimes I hate verbalizing what I'm thinking. There is something I really need to discuss with someone right now, but I don't know how to get to the subject. If I had the opportunity, I probably could, I just might have to hid my face under a pillow while I'm doing it. 

How is it the people we love get the brunt of our bad stuff, but at the same time are the people we have trouble really talking to. Heart to heart talks are called that because that is exactly what they are. The problem is, most of us can't handle the intimacy of the heart to hearts.

I really don't have an answer or a resolution to this question. I know I need to talk to someone, but I can't. So in the meantime some "Strangers" are getting to listen to me and my problems. And sadly, every single one of them is male. I feel like I've reverted back to high school. Then again, these guys were my friends back then too. Most of them anyway. Thanks my friends, for listening to me. Maybe sometime soon I will work up my nerve enough to talk to the person who really needs to hear what I have to say.

My Thanksgiving Video Blog

I taped this while I was driving home for Thanksgiving. I hope you enjoy the change of pace.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Those who know me well hardly view me as invisible, but I've lived my life as a shadow. I often call myself generic, and with good reason. I have doppelgangers everywhere. I have spent years with people telling me that they thought they saw me somewhere. I have had boyfriends and very close friends make this mistake. I think my family members are the only ones who have never said it about me.

I'm a wallflower. I'm the person in the background no one even notices is there. If you don't know me, you probably won't even be aware I exist. I've been saying for years, if I can get someone to talk to me, I can attract man, but the trick is getting them to talk to me. I'm not shy around men I'm not attracted to, only those I am attracted to.

The movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces" is about a woman who sees herself as unattractive and overweight. A woman who lives in the shadow of others who have beauty. She meets a man who is only interested in her because is is unattractive and she marries into a companionship relationship. A relationship completely based on friendship with no sex. Of course the man in the relationship is handsome although completely screwed up, as he wants someone he isn't attracted to. She marries him thinking a marriage without sex is better than a life alone. When her husband refuses to make love to her, and she reaches a point of total humiliation when she throws herself at him, she realizes she has to change. Not for her husband, but for herself.

Although I didn't have a total humiliation point where I threw myself at someone and got rejected, I had the epiphany where I realized I needed to change. Not for me, but for myself. I realized I wasn't happy the way I was and I needed to do something about it. So I quit smoking, I lost weight, and I started working out. None of this is for anyone else. I am doing it for myself.  I do realize that no matter what I do, I am still invisible. I will never be skinny again. I'm lucky if I don't kill myself exercising given my propensity for accidents. I am such a klutz. Remember the line from "Legally Blonde" where Reese Witherspoon's character says "Exercise creates endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people don't kill their husbands?" I'm still waiting for those endorphins to kick in, but for the most part I'm very happy.

What makes you want to settle for something? What if you don't see something as settling, but as a way to pass the time? What if you know something could easily blow up in your face, if you let yourself feel what your instinct say you could feel? What is every instinct in you is screaming at you to run far away because if you don't your going to find yourself hurt? What if you know without a doubt that getting hurt is the only way you can find out if you are capable of feeling anything? What is the defining moment when you decide to jump one way or the other? I don't know, I have absolutely no clue. I'm just living my life day to day, and hoping I'm making decisions that will do me the least amount of damage.

The mirror not only shows the way you see yourself, but the way others see you. It's a complicated way to think of things. If you can reconcile the two, then maybe you will achieve a state of bliss that so few of us ever achieve. I'm waiting on it. I'm waiting on the one who can see me for who I really am without the trappings, and can accept me as I am.

I am such a big fat fake!!!

I am a fake really. I am tough, and I am strong, but I am not an ice queen. I can pretend to shut down my emotions, but I don't. I can delay them a little while. I can pretend to be cold (I am an actress, remember), but truly I am one of the most emotional people you will ever meet.

I love with passion, I hate with passion. I'm not supposed to hate anyone, as it isn't a very Christian emotion, but there are some people who just get on my nerves. I don't particularly like to pretend to like people I don't, but I will  if the situation calls for tolerance. There are even people who I can't stand, but I do feel sorry for. I honestly believe life is way to short to surround yourself with people you can't like or respect. I can't stand liars. What is the purpose?

I may seem like a pretty happy person, and for the most part I am. However, below the surface I am raging with emotions. I took a class not to long ago called emotional intelligence. We took a test in the class, and I actually finished with the highest score. What that meant was I was the most perceptive in the class to other people's emotions as well as my own. It is really hard to function sometimes when you feel people annoyance, when you know people are being fake, when you can tell people are frustrated and you can't do anything about it. I can tell when people are happy, sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc. As long as those emotions aren't directed as me, I feel them. I do have a blind spot when it comes to my own situations.

I close myself off from others because I can't walk around absorbing everything. I can't handle it. And I'm single because I've yet to meet the man who can handle my emotions. Of course, it has been years since I've let my emotions go in that way. I'm not even sure I remember how to. I purposely put myself in situations where the other person is as emotionally detached as I pretend to be. I spend time with people who are emotionally unavailable, so that I won't have to risk feeling something. Of course, that is what makes be the big fat liar. I do feel things, I just pretend not to. The sad part if no one cares much whether I feel or not. It's probably why I've been able to remain friends with many of my ex boyfriends. I never lost control of my emotions and made a fool of myself.

One of my friends told me recently, that she wanted me to be happy. That love was worth the risk. If you don't open yourself up to it, then you are missing out on something that is worth everything. I do believe it is true. Love is worth the risk. However, I haven't learned life's lesson yet that tells me how to take a risk. I remember once upon a time, I asked someone out. This man had jokingly proposed to me one night while I was dating and out with someone else. He was drunk and basically said I should marry him, that we were meant to be. Just the fact that he had the opportunity to say this to me while I was out with a boyfriend, should have been a clue that the relationship with the first guy wouldn't work.

Fast forward one year. My boyfriend and I broke up and I needed a date to a formal affair. I called the second guy, and basicially said, ok - you want a chance with me, here's your chance, let's go. The only time in my life I really asked someone out. Needless to say, he said yes. On our first date, he told me he loved me. I started hyperventilating. Literally. He held me and told me he knew that scared the shit out of me, and it was ok if I didn't return the emotion. I about had a heart attack when he said I love you. I found out later he had been waiting for me. For years. He didn't wait alone the entire time, but I was always there in the back of his mind. Someone told me he had been in love with me for years and was waiting for me to be ready.

He wore me down eventually, and I did love him. He knew me very well. And if things had worked out differently, I would have married him like we planned, but it didn't. I have to say that experience shaped me. That was the last time I told someone I loved them, even if it wasn't the last time I've been in love. You would think after all of these years, I would have gotten over my fear of those "three little words," but I haven't. I think I would probably choke saying them.

The moral of this story is I do feel emotions. I love, I hate, I cry, I get sad, I get mad, and I get happy. I constantly ride a roller coaster of emotions that I rarely let others see. And I am seriously oblivious sometimes when it comes to my own situation. I also know the reason why my friends are worried about me right now is they don't think I can stay detached. The answer is I probably can't stay detached. God only knows all of the tears I've cried over everything that is going on in my life right now. I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated and lonely. It's the lonely I feel the most. I am a fake. I'm tough on the outside (and on the inside too), but I am also and emotional creature. I've just learned not to be ruled by them. I can pretend they aren't there, but I'm a liar. I feel so much at times it hurts.

"Sometimes I wonder, where I've been. Who I am, do I fit in? Make believing is hard alone, Out here on my own." -

Criticism - not welcome here!

I am upset right now. No denying the emotion. I'm angry and hurt and a little indignant. I will not get into the reasons too much, but I have to address the emotions.

People who know me well know I'm negative. I tend to pick apart situations and play the devil's advocate. My bosses hate that about me as much as the love that I have the skill. I try to balance my negative and positive, but the negative wins most of the time. Since I moved to San Antonio, I have been making a concerted effort to be positive. Most friends who have known me forever have been very impressed by my positive attitude overall. One friend told me he used to think I was a miserable person, but now loves the way I embrace life, and take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

There are some who don't let me vent. Who don't let me get things off my chest. Who refuse to listen to anything they perceive as negative. I mentioned earlier in the summer I was scared of something. Petrified actually. The response I got was just stop being scared, don't worry about it, go with the flow. I pray to God on a semi regular basis to help me do this, but I don't know how to stop worrying about some things. I tried to explain, and the person shut me down. I started crying. When they started to make a comment about me crying, I yelled at them that worrying is what I do, and I can't be sunshine and roses all the time. I can't shut it off fear at will. I'm not an ice queen. That particular issue has been resolved, and it turned out I had nothing to worry about, but those who knew why I was scared, know I had justification for my fear. Only two people know what I did to resolve my fear.

You should be able to honest with your friends. You should be able to tell them what you are doing, what your are feeling without worrying about recriminations. One friend of mine recently told me she was worried about me, and thought I was making a mistake, but she wanted me to be happy. She also told me she had a speech prepared for when the situation blew up in my face, but until then, she would support me in whatever I chose to do. That is friendship. Others basically lectured me to death then proceeded to bar me from speaking about my situation ever again. It's not much of a friendship when one person refuses to let the other person talk about anything.

I'm used to criticism about my person. I am negative; I'm too fat; my hair looks bad; am I going to wear that; I saw your twin (yes I'm generic looking, I know this); I'm too slow; I'm too emotional; I'm a bitch; etc. I've heard it all. I can handle these things from random people, but not from my friends. At least not constantly. Tell me something once, don't harp on it. I really am a contrary person. Disapproval usually makes me go the exact way someone disapproves.

Speak your piece, but leave the constant criticism at the door. Express your doubts and move on with your life. Let me move on with mine. I don't need your criticism. I criticize myself enough without your help. I'm sad that it is such an issue. It shouldn't be. It really shouldn't. That isn't what friendship is supposed to be.

Bittersweet Symphony



Me about 30 minutes before the race.



Today I completed the San Antonio Edition of the Rock N Roll Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. And with the amount of other walking today, I'm sure I walked/jogged at least 15 miles. I am absolutely amazed with myself for achieving this accomplishment.

Back in the good old days in grade school, there used to be a thing called the President's Physical Fitness Test (or something like that). They had you do a variety of physical exercises and if you achieved a certain percentile, you were given an away. Things like sit-ups, chin-ups, push-ups and running. They wanted you to run a mile. I always aced every part of that fitness test, except the run. I was a sprinter, and pretty fast at times. I didn't do track in school because I could never run very far, and to me track meant long distance running.

Now look at me, I still didn't run the entire way, but by gosh, I walk/jogged 13.1 miles today. I am so not a runner. And frankly, a little over a year ago I nearly weighed 250 pounds. Heck, 19 months ago I was a pack-a-day smoker, and had been for 18 years. In in summer of 2010 could barely walk a few miles, much less run them. I've come a long way in a year's time. A long way. When I started this back in May, I was barely eight weeks out from my hysterectomy. I had just moved to San Antonio, and I was weak. When I did my pace run, I was so slow. I have managed to keep about the same pace run/walking as I did on my all run at two miles. I really did intend to run the entire time, but when my hip started bothering me at the beginning, then I over used my ankle, causing a sprain in August, I knew I couldn't run the entire way.

I say this was a bittersweet experience. It is partly because I started this journey with a friend. This friend has been down this road a few times and encouraged me to try it. Unfortunately, I ended the journey alone today. I had thought I was going to share it with my run group, but after being told three times how great the park and ride was, I got the hint that I wasn't going to be included in the final race day festivities. I would say it was because they weren't nurturing people, but really just only to each other. I was told I'd find a run buddy and make friends during run club and I would bond with others, but I didn't. I ended up running alone 95% of the time, and I barely spoke to anyone outside of my group. My group took a group picture today, and I didn't see one of them. I cried when I saw the picture. I may be a loner, but not being included still hurts.



I am so happy to have achieved this particular goal. I made it 13.1 miles in a respectable time for a walker/jogger. I will be able to say for the rest of my life that I "ran" a half marathon. However I will always remember that I spent today alone. At least I had others checking on me. Friends are a wonderful thing. I'm not sure what I would do without some of my friends sometimes. At least someone cared that I finished.



My medal for completing the race engraved with my race time
of 3:05:57. Not bad for a first timer with a bad knee and a bum hip.



So today was a bittersweet symphony. It was such a high, but such a low at the same time. I've said it several times today, but I can see me doing 5Ks and maybe an occasional 10K, but I doubt I will do another half-marathon unless I get my hip and knee problems resolved. It is just too painful. Why do the painful thing when there are so many other things I love to do?

"It's a bittersweet symphony, this life."

Goodbye from a Rock N Roll Half Marathon finisher. I made it!!!

2,000 - Wow!!!

I can't believe my blog hit 2,000 page views today. I'm still not sure why anyone would want to read my stuff, but I'm going to go with it for now. The writing has been a cathartic experience.

Someone recently said to me, why don't you write a book. This is a not so secret ambition of mine and has been for a very long time. No high brow stuff for me though -- if I do write a book it will be a trash romance novel. Probably. I've even had people tell me I should just tell my stories. I can't think anyone would want an entire book of me. Although, it is something to think about. When I was engaged (ages ago), my fiance and I talked about me writing a book. We even talked about setting up an office for me to write. Alas, something went wrong there, and I blocked out my ambition to write a book. Fortunately, I've made it to a point in life where I can revisit that ambition. On the ex fiance - I will never blog about that. If you want to know about that you will need to ask me in person.

I want to thank everyone for the support. I'm a little sad this week (and frustrated), so I'm trying not to blog too much. I wouldn't want to blog something I'd regret. I'm going back and forth between sad and mad. As a wise friend of mine said earlier - alcohol and social media don't mix. After the race this weekend, I am going to be reevaluating a few things.

Until another time -- Laura

Who's Going to Comfort You?

We all face hard times. We all get sad. We all long, even deep down in the recesses of our heart, for someone to comfort us when we are sad. 

The entire time my mom was sick, I think I would have done anything for someone to just hold me while I cried. No words required. Just put their arms around me and let me let go. To be able to lean on anyone for a time would have been relief. My friends were there for me to vent to, and even cry to, but they couldn't for a minute help relieve the physical and mental burden I had. I couldn't physically lean on anyone. God knows we all had our issues, but I tried to stay strong.

I wish I had someone to help me with my debt and the mental anguish and guilt that comes with it. My mom's illness basically took all of my savings and started me on the road to debt. Then I got sick again. My medical bills have been astronomical. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had the backup I lost after three months without pay.  Then to add onto my medical bills, what do I do, but move to another state. I am so far in debt that all I do is pay bills.

My weight loss program didn't help either. I dropped down five sizes. I've had to replace my entire wardrobe. Clothes are expensive. More debt please. I'm counting the day until I get my car paid off so I can use that money to pay down my debt. Alas, this is only one of my stresses. It wears me down and brings me low to know I've done this to myself.

Back to the subject, it is rare I get physical comfort from anyone. I'm not a touchy feely type of person. I don't invite that kind of physical contact from people. I've had to adjust to people hugging down here. I feel like I jump when people touch me sometimes. I would really do anything to be able to cry on someone. The last person I cried on literally picked me up, dumped me in a car drove me home, carried me up the stairs to my apartment then dumped me on the floor before leaving me curled in a ball.

That was the last time I let myself cry on someone else. He was so horrified by my emotions he dumped me on the floor of my apartment. Is it any wonder I don't let my feelings show? My friends and family know I'm one of the most emotional people you will ever meet. I am passionate and even affectionate at times. I am trapped, however, in box when it comes to showing emotion out of my comfort zone. I really am a big fat fake. I'm not cold-hearted or ice cold. My emotions are usually in a fiery blaze, but I'm not going to show it because my emotions scare people off. I will keep things close to the vest because otherwise, I will end up curled up in a ball on the floor alone once again.

I don't really get comfort from anyone. Not the physical kind I need at times. Mental comfort is there is spades, but physical comfort is sorely lacking in my life. This is something I need to evaluate. Why is it I seem to scare people off, and what can I do to change the fact?

Think about who comforts you. Is it your spouse, your child, your family? Who is there for you when you are sad? Right now, I can't really answer that question.

Crossing the Line

Of late I have been getting the strangest emails, instant messages and texts from people. Oh, who am I kidding? I've been getting them from men.

It is interesting really. Should I be offended that men I've known for years are coming out of the woodwork to flirt with me again? Is it Facebook, is it the fact that I'm happy again, or is it the fact I'm halfway skinny again? I'm not really sure, but I'm guessing it is somewhere in the middle of all that. I find it hilarious that all of a sudden I'm getting flirted with by men I haven't seen since they were boys. Although not all of them are old acquaintances.

These messages range from the "why are you online at four in the morning" to "damn you look good." Some are just saying hello, others I've been texting back and forth with on a semi regular basis. Strangely I have talked through some of my issues in this manner, and gotten advice or validation as you will. One of my friends keeps telling me to "f*ck it" and have fun. You only live once. That particular friend has made me feel so much better about my recent choices. For the most part, I'm having fun and there is no harm done with any of my chats. I'm enjoying the attention, and God knows its been awhile since I have gotten much attention.

However there is a line between harmless and creepy. These guys I've know forever are friends. I know them. I know the rules, the lines, the limits. If they cross them, I tell them. I've always been a girl who hangs with the guys. I couldn't do that if I got offended easily. One of the guys apologized to me the other night for what he texted me, and I said bullshit, you're not sorry. He replied that he was because he considers me a sweet, kind, and beautiful lady. He didn't want to offend me. I know its true, because I know him. There is nothing wrong with risque, but really you need to know me first.

I have some stranger friends on Facebook. Mostly through apps, but some who I met through mutual friends. A funny comment every once in a while is fine. It's when you keep going. If I don't respond, it usually means I'm offended, or just creeped out. I really don't like random people to ask me to be their girlfriends, or tell me they are waiting for me in the wings.

You don't know me. I'm a complicated person, and frankly flirting sometimes takes a lot of effort. It is effortless with friends. Not something I have to think about. These men know me, and know I am so much more than a flirt. They know I'm intelligent, professional, and pretty buttoned up most of the time. I've been accused of being a librarian or a school marm. I wear glasses, I read contracts all day, I love law, I love to read, I am a total nerd. I am a wallflower. On Halloween, again I might have well been invisible, as I was with my friend. We were walking around, and everywhere we went, men were trying to stop her. I was invisible, something I am used to being. I'm ok with that.

I will come out to play on my terms. I really don't think its funny when you go over the top with inappropriate comments. I'd like to note not only can my father view my facebook, but my niece and nephews. Think about what you say. I can explain old friends. It's not funny to be inappropriate with a complete stranger. If I'm interested, I will let you know. Otherwise -- LAY OFF!!! You are crossing the line.

Masquerade



Me with Levon at Rocky Horror Picture Show
Live. This is w/ my shirt on before they removed it.



What is Halloween for adults, but a time for fantasy? A time to break out of their everyday mold, and pretend to be something they aren't. Or are they pretending...

I want to talk about women and Halloween.  The other day I heard Kidd Kraddick talking about it on his show. He said it's not just and angel, it's a dirty angel. It's not just a devil, but a naughty devil, etc. He said that women use Halloween to hooch themselves up. He's right about that. Why is it women use this holiday for an excuse to hooch it up, to dress like sluts, to bare almost all?

I can only speak for myself. First of all, this year was the first time in years I had enough confidence in myself that I felt comfortable going out in public wearing what I did the last two nights. The last time it came close, I dressed as a cat, but I wore a skirt that covered me up. That was about nine years ago. This weekend I went out in fishnets, covered by boy shorts that did not really cover much and corsets. I actually went on stage at Rocky Horror Picture Show live wearing boy shorts, a pleather corset, fishnets and a black bra. I had a lace shirt on, but they took it off of me when I went on stage. I wouldn't have done that a year ago, and I probably wouldn't have done it 10 years ago. I know I'm not small, but for the first time I think I have enough muscles in the right places not to look too bad.

I wear things like this because I can't do it all the time. I do it because I'm a professional with a reputation to protect. I do it because I can't be a successful professional and a hooch. People do not take you seriously when you dress like a ho all the time. I value my professional reputation immensely. In fact, I actually pulled my work image into my personal life recently. I'm trying desperately here to not cross my work and my play. In only one way do the two intersect, and I'm making sure the line doesn't get crossed. A friend of mine called me a closet exhibitionist. It's probably true. I always did like short skirts. The difference is now I realize there is a place for short skirts. And work isn't the place.

On Halloween, I can wear whatever I want with not thoughts as to the consequences. "It was Halloween," I can say. I can go as a dominatrix, a burlesque girl, a slutty witch, or whatever. No recriminations necessary. I can act out a fantasy, or show my true face. The side that only comes out in private. The side I don't want the world to see. I can be what I secretly want to be. If I want to. And there are few people who ever know what my true motivations are for my costumes. And I'm almost positive, it is the same for everyone else.

All people have their unique fantasies, fetishes, perversions, etc. Some are very open, and others keep those things locked up so no one can see. In some ways I even those who can be open about those things. To not need to worry about what others think is a wonderful thing. For others, and there are many others (if you don't believe me you weren't out last night), Halloween is an opportunity to masquerade. What your are hiding are revealing is only for you to know. Strangely enough I have found out a few things about some people of late. Things that I never would have guessed, or even thought about. Things I've never considered. For all that I consider myself an erudite person, I have to admit there are some things I'm completely clueless about.

Me with Becky on Halloween.

The one thing I do know is that Halloween is a night to fly your freak flag high, and be all that you can be, or that you want to be. It is a night for Masquerade. And no one need know why.

I have been covered from head to toe for years, this year was my year to shine.

"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade . . . Masquerade! Hide your face, so the world will never find you!...Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies . . . Masquerade! You can fool any friend who ever knew you!" - Masquerade from The Phantom of the Opera.

Pride is a bitch…

Pride makes for a cold bed partner. Really.

The last few years living away from my family, I have had to learn how to ask for help. There have been many times when I have needed help. Surgeries are hard enough when you live alone; when your family is 400 miles away it is nearly impossible. To be independent while being hospitalized or operated on isn't an option. I had to put aside my pride and ask for help. At least in this one way I have learned to let go of my pride and ask for help.

Unfortunately I learned very young not to ask for what I want. I don’t plan social gatherings because no one goes. I usually go places alone because I don’t want to risk rejection when I ask people to go places and they are busy. I am independent, a loner, or whatever you want to call it. I‘d rather be alone than risk rejection and my pride by asking for something.

I usually only ask my close friends to come to my events. This is because when I was in high school, even my parents stopped coming to my events. I mean when my sisters were in high school, my parents dragged me to everything and we sat through the entire thing. By my senior year in high school, my mom came for halftime of the football games to see me dance in the drill team, then left as soon as the performance is over. No offense to my parents, but it really hurt that they never came to stuff. Neither did my sisters. My sisters, who I know have their own resentments regarding me, don’t realize I have that resentment towards them. They are posting all of these pictures on facebook of them when they were children. Pictures of them with my parents. My parents stopped taking pictures not long after I was born. Oh well.

Nothing hurt me like the my mom not coming to see me sing in "1940's Radio Hour." It was my solo singing debut. That was a once in a lifetime show. After that show when some of my friends didn't show who had bought tickets, I gave up hoping people would come to my show. Frankly I had more people at "Happy Days" then any of my other shows.

Over the years I stopped trying. I am a pitbull when it comes to other people's needs or for the "greater good". I can be a champion of the underdog. I will fight for what's right, and all of that. However I lie down like a freaking carpet when it comes to my own wants. I hardly will express interest in someone unless I'm sure they are interested. I can't imagine asking someone out. How guys do it I don't know.

I'm passive aggressive when it comes to my wants and needs. I don't want to make decisions in relationships. I'd rather a significant other make decisions, while taking into account my opinions and preferences. I once dated someone for a year and a half. He couldn't make a decision to save his life, so I always decided what to do. After we broke up he told me he didn't like doing something we did all the time. I say man up, and tell me you don't like something. Believe me, I'll tell you if I don't like something. I just don't want to make the decisions all of the time.

Getting back to the point, I rarely ask for what I want. Once rejected, I probably won't ask again. I have way too much pride. Again, as far as relationships go, I want someone who takes the driver's seat. I rarely say, hey I would like to do ______.  If I do and get rejected, chances are I won't ask again no matter who it is or what the situation.

I will go on to say that I also have had to learn how to express my feelings. To touch people and hug and most of all to say I love you. I practice this with friends as much as I can. And I mean it with all my heart when I say it. Never will those words come from my mouth unless I do mean it. It's sad, again though, I can say it to friends, and sometimes to family, but I haven't said it to a significant other since college. I'm told, counseled, lectured, etc. that when the time comes I will be able to let go and my pride won't bottle me up. I pray that is the truth, because as I have said so many times, I am not sure I am capable of the feeling anymore. I'm not sure my pride will let me admit I have feelings even if I do.

As I said above, pride really does make a cold bed partner. I hope someday that someone will have the strength to beat through mine. But realize that while my pride might not let me show what I'm feeling, it doesn't mean I don't hurt when people treat me callously. In fact, my mom used to say I closed myself off because I feel too much.

That is the truth. Of course, "pride goest before destruction, and a haughty spirit before the fall." Be patient with me while I wait, not so patiently, for the fall to come. And with it my pride.

Typecast Again

I afraid my new play doesn't leave me much room for showing the range of my acting ability. It does, however, give me the opportunity to be funny. Finally. I can be funny, I promise.

I am playing two characters. Unfortunately, the two characters have one thing in common - they both want to get laid. Both characters go after it in different ways, for different reasons, but they are just really after self gratification.

It struck me, as I was listening to the other plays tonight, that I really have something in common with my characters. Not the getting laid part, but other characteristics. I will not get into specifics, but I'll just say there are some parallels to my own life in these two characters. I mean, what women doesn't want to feel desirable? Want to be appreciated? Want to be wanted? We all do, and if we don't, we are lying.

What I find so funny about my roles is they are so out there. I say things in these scenes, I would rarely say out loud, even among friends. I might think them, but I don't say them. I wish I could be as bold in my personal life as these characters are in theirs. And the fact that yesterday, someone told me I needed to loosen up, is just icing on the cake. I didn't get far enough in my conversations with this person to tell them I was spending my next play partially in bed with a married man pretending to be naked. I definitely need to loosen up.

This is a departure from my norm, and I can't tell you how excited I am to finally be allowed to be funny. For some reason, people do not perceive me as funny. My friends know I can be freaking hilarious sometimes. Just not everybody appreciates my kind of humor. Just like I didn't appreciate the off-color jokes I heard this weekend.

Let's just say I'll try to loosen more, because my uptight attitude is such a drag. Of course, I don't think my friends could take it if I loosen up any more. I'm already shocking the hell out of those who know me best.

Dating Disasters

You know I'm pretty honest about my dry spell on the dating front in Arkansas.  Arkansas didn't like me very much, and I won't lie -- I didn't like it. It is difficult living in a place where you are not interested in anyone, and the ones interested in you are such losers, you rather be alone.

I remember one time in AR, when this particular guy was hitting on me. He was funny, I guess, in a crude type of way, and I was totally in love with his daughter. Except I watched him neglect his daughter. I watched him drink and party while his daughter was all alone. I sad no multiple times and one of my friends called me a snob. I may be a snob, but that same guy ended up knocking up not one,  but two of his babysitters at the same time because he paid them with sex instead of money. Classy guy, don't you know. I'm devastated I missed out on such a winner.

Fast forward to San Antonio. Things have definitely picked up on the dating front, although I'm not sure the pickings are any better. Eligible, ineligible, long-term potential, short-term potential -- the possibilities are endless. I promised myself when I moved here, I wouldn't be as picky. Basically if someone asked, I would say yes. You never know when the spark might happen. I really hate pursuing anyone myself, and it is rare that I meet someone I would be willing to pursue.

I'll admit I've had a crush since I moved here and I have pursued to a certain extent. Crushes can be fun, and for the most part, this one has been. I will not let this deter me on my current path though. Which brings me to this week. I have a friend who has a friend she has tried to set me up with. This friend of a friend, however, witnessed me with out someone else one night. That particular night I had way too much to drink and wasn't very discrete. I really hate pda, but that one night, I wasn't thinking about image. As a result the friend of a friend thinks I'm easy. I'm sure of it. Especially after the other night. At one point I had remove the guy's hand from me. I didn't know this guy was coming out the other night, and I didn't plan on a double date. He's nice, but he thinks I'm easy. I'm not. I don't think that will work out as he has the completely wrong opinion of me.

This leads me to my date this weekend. He was smart, reasonably attractive, successful and funny. The date went well and he asked me out for a second date. There was only one yellow flag during the date, and I was willing to overlook it long enough to give him a second chance to redeem himself. (Side note here - Being male and in theater does not mean you have to be gay. That's a stereotype, and a bad one.) The red flag came later in the night. I went out on a lunch date with this guy. Afterwards I went home to lay down because I'm kind of sick. He started texting me about 10 p.m.

At 10 p.m. I was texting a couple of friends of mine because I was sad about my mom, so I was texting friends when I got this bad text. His first question was why I had never married or why I hadn't been swooped up. He said he didn't understand how someone like me -- attractive, smart and a women who carries themselves well, hadn't been snapped up. Not so bad if he had left it at that. He then proceeded to ask me if it was because I couldn't boil water or I suck in bed. REALLY? Is that something you ask someone you just met. One of my friends called him a douchebag. One called him that with a capital D. This guy then continued to tell me about all of his bad dates and said he could write a book about it.

Not a winner. His gay theater people comment was bad enough. I had already figured out I couldn't be with someone who had that kind of judgmental attitude. Prejudice is not something I tolerate in a significant other, or frankly in an insignificant other. But really - do I suck in bed??? I can't believe I was asked that question. With those kind of people out there, it's a wonder I am single. LOL

Correction -- For Adults Only

I was informed after I posted my blog yesterday that my fellow bed mate has been finalized. So I get to spend my one-act in bed with my buddy. I have to say, I rather do it with a friend. Lol.

For Adults Only

Last night I posted a status update about auditions. I really didn't intend on auditioning for the Night of One Acts for the Lackland Performing Arts Group, but after reading a couple of the scripts, I have to say I'm very excited. I haven't laughed at a script like that since "Barbecuing Hamlet" for the Village Players back in 2006. 

When I walked in last night, a script was thrown at me. I was told they needed someone uninhibited for a particular role. Others had already said no. Frankly I was intrigued. When I went in to read, they explained this role was as far from Mrs. C as a person could get. They were right. pr.  Now the actor is a married man, not the character (at least I don't think so. I haven't actually read the entire script.

They also asked me if there were any words I didn't feel comfortable saying on stage. I had to laugh...The Village Players sanitized everything. I'm not used to being able to actually cuss on stage. Now - I think I might have to ask my dad not to come to this one if he gets offended easily. Maybe not anyway, because both of my roles are a little risque. And the short one I read all the way through is hilarious. I can't wait. There will be lots of giggling going on at the beginning. I will have to keep a straight face through some lines that make my honeymoon/wrestling line look innocent. However, I won't have the same baggage this time.

So I get to pretend to be nude on stage - Can you say spray tan? And my bed mate will either be a good married friend or a strange married friend. Should be interesting. I really can't wait. I was planning on doing something else instead of this, but I couldn't get the information I need to commit to the other performance. I may still be able, but won't know for a few weeks or so.

I think this For Adults Only Night of One-Acts will be fabulous. And I finally get to do something provocative for real. I really will be needing that trainer...I've got to work on my arms. lol

Crying again (Boy does this suck)

I have been trying not to cry and failing miserably for most of the past week. I've kept my hormone levels pretty regular since last week, so I will blame it on emotions.

I've had some good times lately. I've reconnected with some old friends and I've made some new ones. I had good times at my reunion this weekend. I was asked out for a date by two different men within 24 hours (and within 48 of a date with a third). I feel like I'm coming into my own after a long, dark period in Arkansas. Only this month, my happiness is definitely marred by the grief that is oozing out of me right now.

Saturday will be the two year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her so much. There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to share. I want her advice. I want her to see me healthy (well maybe I can believe see can see, me). I want to discuss politics with her and entertainment news. I want her to recommend books to me because she had a knack for finding things I love.

I basically just want my mom. She just got me, and she might get why I'm doing what I'm doing right now. She would have been beside herself to know I went to a class at the AF JAG School, because JAG used to be one of her favorite shows.

As it is, I keep crying. Somehow I can't get it out of my mind this year. I can't stop thinking about it. Most likely this is because I've had so many changes in my life this year. I have so much going on. Everybody is so busy with life, that sometimes, although I'm rarely alone, I feel I have no one to talk to. I also long to have time alone, but everytime I am alone, I cry.

For the next few days, I'm trying to stay busy. I'm going to go see Enrique and Pitbull tomorrow night. I have my 12 mile run Saturday. I'm supposed to go on a blind date on Saturday too. That may not be the best idea, given my penchant for crying of late, but I'm going to go anyway. What's the worst thing that can happen?

Grief for lost loved ones can be crippling at times. Crying helps. Holding the crying in doesn't help. All it does is make you feel bad. I'm told the grief I'm feeling lessens as the years pass; however I don't think I will ever get through a major life event without thinking of mom. I miss her.

I love you, mom! I hope you are still proud of me.

Retail Therapy

So I had a shitty day. I cried all night last night and most of the morning. I could stop myself.rI also started crying as soon as I got home from work and finally had the crying jag I so desperately needed. I will manage somehow to get through the next nine days. If I can get to a week from Sunday, I should be in the clear as far as the crying goes.

I think crying is good. A good cry can get all of those emotions out so you can get on with your day/life/whatever. It may be girly of me, but all I wanted to do today was let it loose. I always feel better after.

However, my jag was interrupted by a text. Not a text that rocked my world or anything, but one that surprised me.  My plan for tonight was actually to go shopping at the Quarry. I found a fantabulous outfit, and I'm going to be rocking when I wear it. I'm going to be overdressed, but I don't care.

I then went to Ulta and bought supplies before getting a wax and a pedi. I spent way too much, but it was so worth it.

Good night all. I feel better after some awesome retail therapy. Next stop - Ennis, TX.

Big Girls Don't Cry.

Big girls don't cry except when they do. I have been crying since last night. I'm not even sure why um crying. Being lectured doesn't help. Disapproval really doesn't help. At least no one has said I told you so yet. Then again nothing has happened at warrant that level of response from someone.

I'm missing my mom. I really wish she could talk to me. I can and do talk to her all the time. That may sound crazy, but I do. What I want is her level head and good advice. I want her here so we can talk politics and movies and entertainment news. I miss her as my sounding board. I wish I could talk about my job with her and run all of these possible opportunities I have by her and get her opinion.

So today I will be a cry baby. I am human, you know? I doesn't help when so many of my friend's are hurting too. I have to purge the pain and hurt. I would like nothing better to curl up in someone's arms and let them hold me why I cry it out. Alas I will get through this physically alone with the support of friends, none of which can really give me what I need.

Demons

Oh, my demons are coming back tonight. The things that haunt me at times. The demons that mar my happiness, make me doubt what I know and bring back such sorrow into my life.

I admit I'm haunted by many things. I've pretty much put the ghosts of boyfriend past out of my mind, but on occaision I do think about things. I'm learning a new song for karaoke and it reminds me of the past. I'm only learning it because I can really sing the song. Like I can record myself and listen and think it sounds good, but it's a depressing song. And it reminds me of one of my past relationships.

Relationships are not what is haunting me tonight. Tonight I miss my mom. In a few days the two year anniversary of the last week of her life. I would do anything to talk to her right now and have her answer me. She had the best instincts in the world when it came to people. She gave the best advice. She knew me without me having to explain. She knew my reasons and motives without me ever having to explain. She would lecture, but talk me through things.

My demons are not very pretty. They are not very nice sometimes. When they come out to haunt me they bring me down low. It's been two years, and I still am reduced to tears when I think about her. Mom and one other thing do it to me every time. I rarely talk anout the other thing. Too traumatic.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can exercise my demons I'd appreciate the advice. I get tired of crying all the time.

Faces of Eve

How many people out there have different faces they show to different people in different situations? If you say you don't, you are probably lying. I know I do.

Part of my evolution into the adult you see and hear today was developing a persona for most situations. Even as far back as college, I joined a sorority to learn how to better relate to other females. I was too used to hanging with a bunch of guys. If you don't believe me, check out my facebook. Most of my boys from back in the day are my friends on there, and still interact with me pretty regularly.

I have a work persona. I have a theater persona. I have a friend persona. I have a good friend persona. And then there is me. My good friends get closest to see the real me. I'm moody and blunt, and sometimes rude. It took me years to filter myself. To stop throwing temper tantrums when I didn't get my way. I rarely even lose my temper now, and when I do, it usually has to do with work. I doubt many of my theater friends are aware of how seriously I take my work. Some of the AF people might, but only because they know my pay grade. They have never seen me in my zone of professionalism. Kicking butt and taking names.

To my new theater friends, I'm talkative, at times say a little too much. I'm energetic and loud. I'm outgoing. It has taken me years to get that way. I'm usually shy and quiet around new groups. It took me a year to let loose on the Village Players, and I still don't think I really did. I can be very loud and I know I'm obnoxious at times. Part of it with this group is as one of the oldest ones in the cast, I felt old, but didn't want to be perceived as old. 

Maybe its the exercise, and that is not an act. I am trying to be healthy. Maybe it is giving me energy. But enough about me.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...I keep hearing that lately. How many people act one way to one person or group and a completely different way to another? How do you know what is the real thing?

Faces of Eve. One face here, another there. The things I hear and see do not surprise me. In fact, I am aware of some of the diverging personality traits out there. I used to think I was pretty worldly, but of late I have had my eyes opened. I may be more "me" in play, than I am in work, but basically it's the same personality only one way is more intense. I'm honest and straight forward in either situation. I may be more blunt to some people than others, but basically I'm me, no matter what.

I've been getting some conflicting information. I'm going to have to go with my gut on this. I'm not disbelieving of what I'm hearing I just wonder how much is misperception. Or maybe I'm in la la land. Sometimes I don't know. I may never know. I think maybe everyone shows a different face to different people in their life. We all just have to decide whether, when faced with those different faces, do we acquiesce, or distrust and question.

I, for one, am going to take things at face value for a change. I going to try to not overanalyze and question. I'm going to let things be.

You see - you can teach an old dog new tricks! Good night!