I have been trying not to cry and failing miserably for most of the past week. I've kept my hormone levels pretty regular since last week, so I will blame it on emotions.
I've had some good times lately. I've reconnected with some old friends and I've made some new ones. I had good times at my reunion this weekend. I was asked out for a date by two different men within 24 hours (and within 48 of a date with a third). I feel like I'm coming into my own after a long, dark period in Arkansas. Only this month, my happiness is definitely marred by the grief that is oozing out of me right now.
Saturday will be the two year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her so much. There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to share. I want her advice. I want her to see me healthy (well maybe I can believe see can see, me). I want to discuss politics with her and entertainment news. I want her to recommend books to me because she had a knack for finding things I love.
I basically just want my mom. She just got me, and she might get why I'm doing what I'm doing right now. She would have been beside herself to know I went to a class at the AF JAG School, because JAG used to be one of her favorite shows.
As it is, I keep crying. Somehow I can't get it out of my mind this year. I can't stop thinking about it. Most likely this is because I've had so many changes in my life this year. I have so much going on. Everybody is so busy with life, that sometimes, although I'm rarely alone, I feel I have no one to talk to. I also long to have time alone, but everytime I am alone, I cry.
For the next few days, I'm trying to stay busy. I'm going to go see Enrique and Pitbull tomorrow night. I have my 12 mile run Saturday. I'm supposed to go on a blind date on Saturday too. That may not be the best idea, given my penchant for crying of late, but I'm going to go anyway. What's the worst thing that can happen?
Grief for lost loved ones can be crippling at times. Crying helps. Holding the crying in doesn't help. All it does is make you feel bad. I'm told the grief I'm feeling lessens as the years pass; however I don't think I will ever get through a major life event without thinking of mom. I miss her.
I love you, mom! I hope you are still proud of me.
My condolences. I'm sure you're mom is watching over you and I'm sure she is as proud as can be and always will be. Yes, the pain lessens over the years. I lost a close relative a little over five years ago. I'm now able to talk about her and sometimes even think about the good times we've had together without welling up. But sometimes on a bad day, I think about her and I admit, I cry myself to sleep and I agree, crying helps. For the first 2 years after she passed away, I didn't cry. I buried the grief. I acted like a dick for 2 and a half years so that people would hate me and I wouldn't have to suffer the loss of a loved one again. <-- Doesn't work. Eventually, I couldn't keep it up and I cried... For about a week... and a half, I was a mess. What I'm trying to say is, no one EVER truly gets over a close friend or relative's passing, but it's what we do, react and how well we try to move on that defines us.
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