Pride is a bitch…

Pride makes for a cold bed partner. Really.

The last few years living away from my family, I have had to learn how to ask for help. There have been many times when I have needed help. Surgeries are hard enough when you live alone; when your family is 400 miles away it is nearly impossible. To be independent while being hospitalized or operated on isn't an option. I had to put aside my pride and ask for help. At least in this one way I have learned to let go of my pride and ask for help.

Unfortunately I learned very young not to ask for what I want. I don’t plan social gatherings because no one goes. I usually go places alone because I don’t want to risk rejection when I ask people to go places and they are busy. I am independent, a loner, or whatever you want to call it. I‘d rather be alone than risk rejection and my pride by asking for something.

I usually only ask my close friends to come to my events. This is because when I was in high school, even my parents stopped coming to my events. I mean when my sisters were in high school, my parents dragged me to everything and we sat through the entire thing. By my senior year in high school, my mom came for halftime of the football games to see me dance in the drill team, then left as soon as the performance is over. No offense to my parents, but it really hurt that they never came to stuff. Neither did my sisters. My sisters, who I know have their own resentments regarding me, don’t realize I have that resentment towards them. They are posting all of these pictures on facebook of them when they were children. Pictures of them with my parents. My parents stopped taking pictures not long after I was born. Oh well.

Nothing hurt me like the my mom not coming to see me sing in "1940's Radio Hour." It was my solo singing debut. That was a once in a lifetime show. After that show when some of my friends didn't show who had bought tickets, I gave up hoping people would come to my show. Frankly I had more people at "Happy Days" then any of my other shows.

Over the years I stopped trying. I am a pitbull when it comes to other people's needs or for the "greater good". I can be a champion of the underdog. I will fight for what's right, and all of that. However I lie down like a freaking carpet when it comes to my own wants. I hardly will express interest in someone unless I'm sure they are interested. I can't imagine asking someone out. How guys do it I don't know.

I'm passive aggressive when it comes to my wants and needs. I don't want to make decisions in relationships. I'd rather a significant other make decisions, while taking into account my opinions and preferences. I once dated someone for a year and a half. He couldn't make a decision to save his life, so I always decided what to do. After we broke up he told me he didn't like doing something we did all the time. I say man up, and tell me you don't like something. Believe me, I'll tell you if I don't like something. I just don't want to make the decisions all of the time.

Getting back to the point, I rarely ask for what I want. Once rejected, I probably won't ask again. I have way too much pride. Again, as far as relationships go, I want someone who takes the driver's seat. I rarely say, hey I would like to do ______.  If I do and get rejected, chances are I won't ask again no matter who it is or what the situation.

I will go on to say that I also have had to learn how to express my feelings. To touch people and hug and most of all to say I love you. I practice this with friends as much as I can. And I mean it with all my heart when I say it. Never will those words come from my mouth unless I do mean it. It's sad, again though, I can say it to friends, and sometimes to family, but I haven't said it to a significant other since college. I'm told, counseled, lectured, etc. that when the time comes I will be able to let go and my pride won't bottle me up. I pray that is the truth, because as I have said so many times, I am not sure I am capable of the feeling anymore. I'm not sure my pride will let me admit I have feelings even if I do.

As I said above, pride really does make a cold bed partner. I hope someday that someone will have the strength to beat through mine. But realize that while my pride might not let me show what I'm feeling, it doesn't mean I don't hurt when people treat me callously. In fact, my mom used to say I closed myself off because I feel too much.

That is the truth. Of course, "pride goest before destruction, and a haughty spirit before the fall." Be patient with me while I wait, not so patiently, for the fall to come. And with it my pride.