I'm baaaaaccckkkk!

It has been a long time since I've blogged. I've been busy. Since my last blog I've bought a house, thrown my first party, celebrated Halloween in my new neighborhood and a few other important things. My life has changed in so many ways and I've been so busy living it, I haven't written.

My dad said to me recently (ok - two months ago), that I seemed happy and that was all he wanted for me. I am happy with most things in my life. I am a different person in so many ways. My wild streak that started when I moved to San Antonio is finally over. I've stopped my childish ways, and finally settled down. I think I needed a house. A place to call my own. The result is I've settled down.

I'm looking at my future and I see so many changes coming. Big things. Nothing will ever be the same. I'm adjusting to a different lifestyle and making long term plans for the first time in my life. 

This week I have many emotions swirling around. I miss my mom a lot. I wonder if she'd be proud of what I'm doing. I always miss her this time of year. Next week we are starting a new family tradition, and I'm excited. I'm sad, and feeling a little lonely, which is weird because I'm renting a room to a friend right now, and for the first time in my post-college life, I have a roommate. I haven't been alone in a while. I don't know what to do with myself. 

I really feel like my life has been in a holding pattern the last few months. I've been waiting for something to happen, but I'm not sure what. The anticipation is killing me. The stress is making me sick. My body is literally rebelling on me. For a month I could barely move my neck. It's better now, but it was painful to say the least. Work has been killer, and a bored co-worker has decided a passive aggressive war on me. She is a pain and has nothing better to do. It's getting old quick.

In addition to my own issues, a close friend is going through a very tough time. I try to be supportive, but sometimes I just think I'm being pushy. Giving suggestions based on my knowledge of certain things can be exhausting. I'm not sure what is worse, trying to make sure I have the correct answers or my fear of being too bossy. I'm trying to walk a fine line, and frankly I wish it was over. It's tough for everyone involved. The sooner it's over the better everyone will be.

Anyway - I just wanted to write for a few minutes. Try to focus on anything except missing people. The holidays are so hard.

Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me 
Something is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!" - Defying Gravity from the musical "Wicked"


A good friend of mine called me a chicken not too long ago. He said I was so scared, that I would never take a leap. At least not on something that really mattered. Odd conversation, huh?

Basically, he was talking about matters of the heart. He said that until I let myself be completely vulnerable by laying it all on the line, I was never going to reap the ultimate reward - love.

Taking a leap of faith, trusting another person, with what you hold dear is a frightening thing. Giving your heart to another person is ultimate human experience. It requires trust. It requires you to be vulnerable. Because only when you bare it all will you be able to reap the benefits and gain all of the rewards.

I admit to myself at least, that I have trouble doing this. The last time I took that leap it left me broken, bleeding and damaged. For years afterwards, I dated like I was out for revenge. I would not let anyone get close to me. I didn't want to be vulnerable. This doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for some of the men I dated. It just means I wouldn't let go of my pride long enough to show them I cared. As a result, these relationships never went anywhere. Was it completely my fault? No - not at all. That street goes both ways.

I've said before that my ex when we broke up told me I needed to look to myself and figure out what I want from life. And I need to stop holding back everything. He called me a fake because I never let anyone really see the real me. While that isn't true, it is true that I was never completely myself with him. Probably because I could never figure him out. I didn't know from day to day if I'd be dealing with Mr. Cool or Mr. Sickeningly Sweet. Ultimately I got to deal with Mr. Douche Bag. He really knocked my self-steem down, but his actions and words caused me to do a lot of self-examination. 

I spook. I understand this about myself. I'm afraid of intensity of emotions - mine or others. What I have figured out is I need to be honest about this in a relationship. And once I find the right person, he will understand that about me. And if he is the right person, he will have patience with me and understand sometimes I need space. The space is only so I can work my head through things. I do shut down sometimes. It may only be for a few minutes, but it could be for a few hours. Once I work my head through my problems, I'm usually fine. Just because I freak out and shut down doesn't mean I don't think the person I'm with is capable of helping me cope, it just means I need to straighten things out in my head before I proceed. 

I want to defy gravity and make a blind leap, I just need to know there is at least a possibility of a net if I fall. I don't have to see the net, just know there could be one. 

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

Forgive and Forget

I was reminded last night of one of my fatal flaws - I'm not very forgiving. My mom used to say that if someone, for lack of a better word, betrayed me for the most part they cease to exist in my eyes. They might as well be dead for all I care. This was true when I was younger, but as I've aged I'm a little better, to a point.

Trust is a big thing with me. I'm a pretty honest person, and I value honesty and integrity in those around me. If someone lies to my face about something, I'm not going to have much trust in them in the future. I once had a co-worker who was a compulsive liar and one-upper. If she thought anyone was outdoing her or getting more attention than her, she would make up these incredible stories to get herself attention. You know like she was a Victoria's Secret model. Because VS hires ugly 5'2" models with bad teeth and hair for their catalogs. Those little things I tended to ignore because they didn't effect me, but when she started lying about work issues, and trying to sabotage me with co-workers, I lost it. I felt sorry for her because of her upbringing (assuming it was true), then I realized she was just a useless human being. I have never been so glad to see the back of someone when I moved back to Texas.

I also can't stand it when people don't follow through with their promises. If I promise to do something, I will move heaven and high water to follow through on my promise. And if for some reason I can't, I send apologies, explain, and vow to make it up to people. I can't stand it when people make plans to do something and back out at the last minute (unless emergencies come up). And the bigger the plans, the worse it is. 

This is all background for me. Now I tend to tolerate those who I don't trust with more grace than I did when I was younger, but to tolerate and forgive and forget are two different things. There is always something in the back of my mind thinking this person is worthless.

There are somethings that happen to individuals where the betrayal just rocks your world. Where you are blindsided when a person you thought was on your side, suddenly knocks you off your feet. The type of thing where you have trouble looking at the individual without feeling that betrayal. What do you do? I mean I can forgive after time, but to forget? Maybe if absence is a factor, but to see someone everyday after they have stuck a knife in your back makes it very difficult to either forgive or forget. It causes bitterness.

I don't have a lot of forgiveness in me at times. I do get bitter. I try to tolerate and put things aside, but there are times I can't. I don't even come close. I have been blessed in the fact that no one who I can't easily remove from my life has made me feel this way. Others are not so lucky. If someone can tell me how to eradicate resentment and bitterness, I'd love to know. It's not really in me. And I have nothing but the greatest sympathy for those who know that feeling. I have the greatest envy for people who can forgive and forget. I'm just never going to be one of those people.

Welcome to Club Gushy

Last night I had a Girls Night In with a friend of mine. It consisted of bad food, alcohol, gossip and a chick flick. What would a girls night be without a chick flick? 

In this case, we pulled out the romances. We had all sorts of choices, but when I realized one of the girls had never seen it, I insisted on "A Walk in the Clouds." This is an 1995 Keanu Reeves movie that I love. Not only is it a visually beautiful movie, it's romantic and sexy. Which is funny, because there is no sex in the movie. However it is very sensuous. 

I won't bore you with the plot line of the movie in case you haven't seen it, but there are two scenes in the movie that get me every time. The first is when there is a frost (it's set in a vineyard). The main couple have to smoke the grapes to keep the frost from ruining the crop. Everyone comes out in their nightclothes, and puts on wings to fan the smoke. It is so sensual when she shows him how to help save the grapes, you just sigh.

The second scene is after the harvest. The female lead gets to crush the grapes and it is a dance. Fast forward they are both covered in grape juice, clothes all wet, when they run to a bedroom and kiss one of the sexiest kisses ever. It is so obvious they want each other that the screen sizzles with it. There's a problem though - he's married to someone else. He pulls back from their kiss and looks at her and says something along the lines of "I want you more than you could ever imagine, but I'm not free." Then he walks away. It gets me every time.

Anyway there was a lot of sighing going on during the movie last night. I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Seeing the big movie finale with a happy ending gets me going. In this case, this honorable, not to mention sexy, guy sacrifices his happiness for the woman he loves. (Plot Spolier) His was a wartime marriage - they knew each other two days and were separated for four years. When he came home they realized they had nothing in common and didn't like each other, but they were married. In the end, the marriage was annulled. Doesn't everyone want someone who is that loyal, even to their own detriment?

So I told a friend I was feeling all romantic and gushy last night. They responded "Welcome to the Gushy Club, We're happy you could join us." I said I didn't want to join the gushy club. I rarely get gushy at all. It's only in spurts. And I haven't been gushy towards someone in a very long time. 

Point of this is when I find the right person, the gushy will come out. It's in me. I just haven't found the right person to let it loose on - yet! At that point, I'll be a member of the gushy club, too.  Just not on Facebook. Never on Facebook. I'll keep my gushy to myself. 

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

"Never love anybody you treats you like your ordinary." - Oscar Wilde

I recently posted this pic on my Facebook timeline. It reminded me of a few things I need not forget. And things everyone should realize. 

My ex-boyfriend and I were walking in the mall one day. Technically we were broken up and he spent the entire day telling me why we were wrong for each other. The part that sticks out to me about that day is he said brown hair and blue-eyed girls in Texas were a dime dozen in Texas. I looked at him and said, "So you're saying you think I'm ordinary?" He said no, then said well yeah, I guess that's what I think. Talk about a blow to the ego.

I was thinking of him when I posted the quote. I certainly didn't love him, but I did care. And it hurt that someone I had spent five months with thought about me like that. Why was I even with someone who had so little regard for me? If you know the answer let me know. 

Fast forwarding, recently I came into contact with someone from my past. We were catching up, and he told me I was still a supermodel in his eyes. Completely cheesy, I know. I also know for a fact I am only average. Nothing spectacular here. Just a wallflower that occasionally grabs the attention of people. It is in me to totally dismiss the compliment. 

Instead it got me to thinking. The phrase beauty is in the eye of the beholder popped into my mind. Again recently someone told me I was beautiful. My first instinct is to dismiss it. But when they said I was beautiful (and a few other things), I looked into their eyes and realized to them I am beautiful. That is how they see me. Instead of blowing him off, I took a breath, and took it in. And when I did, I glowed with it.

To have someone see you as beautiful to the point that you can see truth of that belief in their eyes is empowering. It made me believe, if only for a little while, that I am beautiful.

So many times we look at couples, and ask ourselves what does he/she see in her/him. We may not see it, but it's there. So may people must be aesthetically stimulated by their mate (especially men). My ex pointed out my flaws and my attributes constantly. He was totally obsessed with appearances. I'm not. It's usually some feature that I'm attracted to, that draws me in, and if the rest of the package is there, great. If not, oh well. Assuming they are a beautiful person inside, the rest just melts away. I have gone out with some beautiful men and I have gone out with some who most might not find beautiful. But in my eyes, they were wonderful.

So, here I am basking in the glow of someones compliments. I don't give them out very easily. As I didn't say back to him he he handsome and sexy and all that, he may wonder what I think of him. I've always thought he was so cute. And yes - sexy. He is to me. However it's the fact that he makes me feel so special, and yes - extraordinary, that leaves me knowing that while beauty may be in the eye of beholder, when they behold you, it makes you feel beautiful. 

You have no right

"You have no right to ask me how I feel.

You have no right to speak to me so kind.

I can't go on, just holding on to ties

Now that we're living separate lives."

Those words are from one of my favorite Phil Collin's songs, "Separate Lives." It is a beautiful song, but until the last few years it never really struck a chord.

I write sometimes about the one who got away, or the right man at the wrong time, or even to wrong man at the right time. I honestly believe God has a plan for me. Every relationship I've been in has taught me a little bit more about myself. 

I have been examining past relationships lately, and trying to get to know me again. Thinking back at my feelings and reactions at certain points in my life. I tend to run scared. I back away from actually feeling anything, or if I do feel something, I hide it in fear of rejection. Not very good behavior on my part. I guess I always figured I'd know the second I met someone. The stars would shine and music would play. I forgot to figure in the fact that I overanalyze everything.

I recently had an opportunity to talk to an ex of mine. I hurt him. I know I did. I also loved him. He scared the crap out of me. Everything about our short relationship (so short, most people never knew we ever dated) was intense. It was a fluke. We never should have even been around each other. It was like lightening struck. From the beginning, we spent every minute we could together. But me, I had plans. I needed to get out and away in the worst way. There were lots of other factors, which I will not discuss, but I couldn't do it. I chose to say goodbye. He ended up getting married a few years later. I actually saw him a couple of days before the wedding. I wished him luck and walked away with the sense I did the right thing.

Damn me and my guilty conscience. I made the decision to leave. I decided that I couldn't be tied down. I didn't factor in that someone might be willing to wait. Or work with me. I just felt trapped. I was not ready. In my panic, I forgot to look around me into the eyes of someone who loved me. To finally learn just what I meant to him, I feel like I want to fly, but at the same time feel like a knife has been stuck in my heart.

I have said I can't stand jealousy, but a little is a good thing. I would never purposely try to make someone jealous, but sometimes it can't be helped. Someone recently said to me that even though they have no right to be they were a little jealous. They can't be. I don't belong to them. I never really did. In another life, things might be different. He is jealous of my freedom and I am jealous of his lack of freedom.

Regardless of that, there are still lots of feelings lurking around. And I'm allowed resentful feelings. I can't regret what I did because I did the right thing. But now I'm alone. If I had been a little braver and less selfless, I might be the one with the family. We might have been the ones with a family. There is nothing that can be done to change things now. 

I think that was the last time I was selfless to the point I hurt myself. I gave up something that meant so much because of guilt I felt. At this point I refuse to feel guilty. I do do selfless things, but if I can avoid noticing someone else's need I will. I am very selfish and self-centered. I do it on purpose. It puts cracks in the dam of my tough facade when I take a real look at what's going on around me and notice things. Maybe my dam needs to break so I can function better or maybe not. 

Back to the lyrics of the song, no one currently has the right to ask me how I feel, or to treat me kind. I sometimes get looks of concern from an ex, and I want to say - where was that concern when we were together??? He has no right to think of me, and look at me, or be concerned about me. Every time I catch a glimpse of those feelings, or someone tells me how much I meant to them, and they wish things could be different, I think of the song referenced above, and the lines I quote below:

"Someday I might, find myself looking in your eyes,

But for now we'll go on living separate lives."

Selfish Creature

I am a very selfish creature by nature. I tend to live for self-gratification. I'm in my own world most of the time, and don't notice what is going on in other people's lives.

My mom understood why I do that. I am a super compassionate person. I feel others pain. I can't stand to see anyone in pain, or hurting. It hurts me to see others hurting. That is why I cut myself off. If I don't engage or get involved, I don't hurt. Some say that makes me cold. I say it helps me function.

It's called self-preservation. I do it well. And most times I am wrapped up in my own little world. I didn't know it was a friend's birthday last week and I felt like shit when I realized I spent a few hours with someone and didn't say a word. Too wrapped up in my own little drama. Sometimes people have to slap me with the obvious, because I'm too busy trying not to notice other's problems.

Going to my Facebook post the other night - I tend to attract unavailable people. I don't mean married or anything, but men who are unwilling or unable to emotionally commit. Ones who want to be friends, but don't want involvement. They flirt. Sometimes they flirt a lot. And I flirt back. 

They also come to me with their problems. They talk to me. Many of these are male friends. I have always had a lot of men friends, and I don't know why. I think it's because I'm blunt and most of the time I don't pretend to be something I'm not with them. Maybe its because I'm a geek at heart, and these guys are geeks too. To put it bluntly, I'm not attracted to most geeks, so I have nothing to lose by being me. I admire them for their minds and their sense of humor. They are fun to be around. I just don't want to date then. I've gone on in previous blogs about my search for the sexy geek. Still looking.

I love to hear people's problems and help them either find a solution, or feel better about a particular situation. Several friends have told me I should become a counselor and get paid for my good advice. I'm just not sure I could handle it all the time.

The point of this is, I am selfish. I'm thinking about my happiness and well being. Not to the point I ignore others, but I'm too old to let guilt rule me. And I love listening to others talk. I really do. I was joking about the whining. It helps me see the whole person. And and long as they are willing to listen to me also, there isn't a problem. I don't know what I'd do without my friends to listen to me. And if I can be that for someone else, it does make me feel good. 

Going back to the unavailable people, I had a situation years ago. In my work capacity I was around a group of men, all married. I became a mascot to the group in many ways. I especially hit it off with one of the guys. We would talk all the time. It got to the point where some of the wives though I was sleeping with this guy. Little did they know he talked to me constantly about his wife. How they wanted to start a family and buy a house. 

For some reason I seem to inspire that kind of response in men. I could tell you some stories that would raise your eyebrows, but I won't. I'm not doing anything wrong talking to them. I refuse to feel guilty. When someone's saying they want a divorce, I'm supportive. If they say they aren't going to get a divorce, I'm supportive. I may not be married, but with all the stories I've heard, and observations I've made, I have a pretty good idea how it works. And if I'm able, I want to be friends with the wife too, because otherwise it's too weird. 

If I can stay in my bubble, I can and will, but if my bubble is popped or invaded, I will gladly engage and do what I can to help. Even if it is just to listen for a little while. But if you can't pop my protective bubble that shields me from the world, don't take it personally. If you can't get inside my bubble, then chances are you aren't that close to me, at which point I really don't care.

Call me selfish...oh wait, I already called myself that. 

What is it about instant messaging???

A far as I can tell, the world is slowly converting to communication via instant messaging and texts. It's no longer necessary to talk to someone face to face. All you have to do is type a message and hit send. 

Obviously the person who you send a message to knows it's from you. However, not having to look someone in the face when you text something kind of gives you a bravado you might not have if you are standing there looking someone in the eye. It makes you brave. I mean, my last boyfriend asked me out over IM on Facebook. How chicken is that? Maybe if he'd looked me in the eye when he asked, I would have seen what he was lacking, and avoided him all together.

I have had some men in my life who will say things over IM, but barely look me in the eye when they see me. Flirting electronically is the new way to feel people out. You can flirt, but you don't have to face the other person. You can say things you wouldn't normally say in person. An acquaintance of mine recently posted on Facebook that his greatest fear was rejection. Hell yes, most of us are afraid of rejection. So we flirt without having to face that person. But what are we afraid of - it not being reciprocated, or it actually being returned?

I flirt with men I would never date. It's just who I am. I tend to not flirt with the ones I really like. I remember a crush I had. I really big crush. He was so much younger than I am. I discreetly asked around to find out if he was single, then I drew him into conversations. I was afraid he would laugh at me because I was 10 years older. I didn't flirt at first, but as my crush grew, I finally threw caution to the wind. Eventually it did happen, but our problem was he was a terrible email communicator, and I'm a terrible face to face communicator. As a result, our lack of communication resulted in a meltdown.

How do you figure do what they mean? I'm still trying to figure out how the same person who says I can use their empty bed, can barely look me in the eye when he sees me. A mutual friend calls him the awkward flirt. He is fast and furious in the electronic realm, but stiff and uncomfortable sometimes in person (and if you recognize yourself in this description, it's true - but in the words of our mutual friend, we love you anyway).

I told someone recently, that I was pretty sure I was going to blush and stammer the next time I see them in person. An old friend I haven't seen in ages, we recently started talking again. I had forgotten how much we talked. In the old days we talked on the phone all the time. When we hung out, we talked. Now we IM. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but the opportunity doesn't present itself often. There is a long history there, and through IM we were able to clear the air about past events and come to some clarification. 

One night we were IM'ing, and we got heavy into a conversation and decided to call. The minute we got on the phone, we both practically froze. When we hung up, we went back to IM and continued our conversation for a few more hours. It doesn't say much about either of us that we can't talk face to face.

The point of this is, at least we are communicating is a mutually acceptable medium that is comfortable for all parties. I was able to say things and let myself be vulnerable without having to make eye contact. It can be truly liberating. 

I also recently had the opportunity to talk to someone who I know I hurt. To be able to finally tell them what I was feeling when I did what I did was something I needed to do. It laid several ghosts to rest. Through the safety of IM, we resolved our past, clearing the way for a friendship in the future. It was enlightening. And something I couldn't have done face to face. Probably a good thing I won't see them anytime soon.

And duh - why do think I blog? I can't say this stuff in person. I'm not that fearless.

Mother's Day Without a Mother

It's Mother's Day again. A day, a weekend, a time that is pure torture for someone like me.

I rarely ever saw my mom on Mother's Day weekend the last few years of her life because I lived out of state, and would come home on memorial day weekend. I regret I didn't make that effort, but she never held it against me.

My mom was in no way perfect. She rarely cooked dinner for us when we were growing up. Breakfast was unheard of in our house, except on weekends when dad would cook. I learned how to cook any number of revolting things by the time I was in third grade. My sisters helped me because they got tired of making food for me. I don't blame them. I never went hungry or anything, I just fended for myself. After my sisters left for college, I would cook  dinner for mom, dad and I. I just wanted to eat. I truly grew up on junk food.

What mom was good at was advice. She had this knack for knowing what people were like. Instinct. She was almost always right. I could always talk to her about anything. She was my confidant, and she never me better than anyone. Everyone loved my mom. She was a fantastic person.

My best friend, Becky, came to visit once in college, and my mom cooked. Becky was overwhelmed because her mom didn't cook either. My mom became Becky's hero. Someone she could talk to and look up to. The other day, Becky asked for my opinion about something, and before I answered I tried to channel my mom. I asked myself what my mom would say to her. I hope I said the right thing. Becky had texted me two weeks ago saying she had run into someone who looked just like my mom in an elevator. The woman noticed Becky staring, and engaged her in conversation. It was a professor, and this woman encouraged Becky (who was on her way to a final), and gave her advice. Becky said she thought it was my mom looking down on her from heaven and watching over her. "Suzy, sent me encouragement just when I needed it," she said.

Many people talked to my mom, because she was that kind of person. Every decision I made, was discussed thoroughly with mom. Only once did I go against her advice, and I was wrong. 

My mom always knew things without being told. And I could read her, too. When I discovered my health problems, she tried so hard to comfort me. After Cole had grown out of it, she kept up the baby crib in her house. One day I told her she needed to take it down. She looked at me. I told her I wasn't going to give her any grandchildren, and it hurt me to see the crib. I told her I was sorry. Tears filled her eyes. I knew she kept it up with the hope I would be able to get pregnant and produce another grandchild. I just looked at her and said it's not going to happen. That was a defining moment for me. My dad and I took it apart the next week.

Mom helped me deal with my pain. She understood that baby showers are painful for me, although I could not have more happiness for my friends when they had children. She understood why I held back in relationships. The not being able to have children thing really messed with me. It still does. She understood that I when I saw a friend neglecting her child, I had to back away because there was nothing I could do, and it pained me too much to see that child screaming for his mother's attention, while she stood by and ignored him. Mom also knew I didn't come home for mother's day, because it depressed me too much.

Mother's Day is a day that reminds me of two things, one, that no one will ever wish me a happy mother's day, and two, that I will never be able to celebrate the day again with my wonderful, beautiful mother. 

I love you, momma! I miss you every day!!!

One More Night

"One More Night" by Maroon 5 is a good song. I love it for the beat, the catchiness and the lyrics. 

I quoted it months ago after the cluster on NYE when I, with full knowledge, indulged with one more night with my ex. The evening was enlightening. I used the line I woke up feeling satisfied, but guilty as hell, the second I left his house. I knew I would never go back. 

Fast forward. Last night someone used the term on me. Paraphrased, they contemplated what wouldn't they give for one more night with me. It got me to thinking.

How many of us would take the chance for one more night with the one who got away? It wouldn't change anything. The past cannot be erased. Is it worth the risk to revisit a history that can't be a future? 

In the same conversation I was having, we talked about how the grass is always greener no matter what side you are on. I am no angel. I don't pretend to be. I have had some good times. I'd give up my good times for chance to have a family, but that wasn't my path. And there are those who chose the family path that look on my path with envy. It's a lot more complicated when you have baggage. 

The stops on my path sometimes have meaning, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the lack of meaning causes the most harm. Self-destructive behavior has a play in those instances. It is rare that the stops can stay uncomplicated. 

Back to one more night, someone said they'd like one more chance with me, if even for a night. It's easy to blow that off and not take it seriously. What are the chances of it even happening? Not likely. And talk about a path screaming "complicated" at you. 

Actually surprises me someone would think about me at all, much less want to revisit a past with me. Now I understand it's complicated. I'm not sure if its good thing or a bad. I just know the thought of one more night is intriguing. 

Crossroad

I'm updating this from my phone so please excuse any typos. 

How often in life do you question your actions? Wonder if you did the right thing, or the wrong thing? Over-Analyze a conversation?

I caught a glimpse of my past today. Parts which I have always questioned my actions. I know even now, I would have done it differently. I couldn't live with the guilt I felt at the time, so I took certain actions. I have always had regret. 

Years later it was revisited, and I was left with the impression it didn't matter as much as I thought it did. I left that brief encounter thinking boy had I done the right thing. 

Tonight, I heard the other side of story, first and second chapters. It has given me a lot to think about. 

You can analyze and pick apart everything you have said or done in your life, but you can't change a thing. And without someone else confirming or denying their reactions to your actions, you will just end up frustrated. 

I know in my heart, I did the only thing I could do at the time that would allow me to sleep at night. If doesn't take the regrets though. As I've said before, timing is everything. 

In the meantime, I will go to sleep knowing I made an impact. 

Song Nostalgia

We all have things in our pasts. Some are good, and if you've lived a little, some are pretty bad. Our pasts are what makes us who we are, for better or worse. 

The last few weeks, I have been reminiscing. Two weeks ago, I went back to my alma mater, good ole' SFA. I went to see and visit with my sorority sisters. Delta Zeta was a huge part of my life in college. And my best friend is my DZ Lil' Sis. A friendship that this year reached the 20 year mark. Those who I saw last weekend, I've known for longer than that. They were my sisters, my friends. The ones I talked to and hung out with in those years. The ones who would DD for me. I drank with them, I laughed, I danced, I cried and more. My lifetime friends, whether I see them or not. 

Going back to SFA started me thinking about the old days. I was more volatile then. I won't say I was wilder. I think I'm wilder now. I lived, laughed and loved in those days. I live and laugh nowadays, but not too much on the love front. I no longer have the total abandon I did then.

This past weekend, while a new experience, was spent with old friends. Nothing like being reminded of Monk Man while at breakfast. For those not in the know, it was an unfortunate film some friends of mine made when we were in high school. I starred as the damsel-in-detress. It was mildly embarrassing. And something that will surely come to haunt me as soon as someone finds the VHS tape of the film. 

I started thinking, as I was walking down memory lane. Isn't it funny how you can remember the tiniest details about some people who have passed through your life? A few months ago I wrote about someone who serenaded me. I mentioned it to him, and he didn't recall. All he said was he had nothing but the fondest memories of me. Yep. Me too.

On that note, comes other memories. There are certain songs that remind me of certain people. I literally can't hear them without thinking about those times. Some might be silly, like Two Princes. Always thing of Becky when I hear it. We were actually singing it together last week, because she heard it and thought of me. Others may be sad or bring back a rush of feeling. Every time I hear Whatcha Want by the Beastie Boys, I remember one of my DZ sisters. To protect her, I won't reveal who she is, or why it reminds me.

Going back to my serenade, I always wondered if he remembered. He didn't. So that brought me to thinking about it. Are the songs that are so significant to you, significant to the person they remind you of? Most of us will never know, but it doesn't really matter.

Hold on to those memories. If you are lucky enough to discover they rate a fond memory for the other person, cherish it. I was reminded today. It makes me a little sad, because I have a lot of regrets. Wishes that things could have been different. I would never take back that time though. It means the world. I will cherish the memory. 

Safety Dance

Tonight I was treated to a preview of LPAG's next show "Quit Trippin' - It's the 80's". I was seriously making fun of one of my friend's performance of "Safety Dance". Then I started thinking. As you know, when I think too much I get myself in trouble.

This little performance was so like the video, it was a little scary. Not helped by the fact the blond wig is just terrible. I told him I will never look at him the same again after seeing him sing that song. While that may be true, at the same time I am completely envious. Let me tell you why.

I love to perform. Absolutely. It is so much fun. However in all of my performances, I hesitate. I have fear I will look silly, or my voice will crack, or anything other little thing. It takes major cajones to lay it all on the line and go for it. I always hold back. 

It takes guts to go for it. And I don't have the guts most of the time. I envy people who can let go and have fun with it. Comedic timing is not an easy thing. to be able to do the "Safety Dance" song, you really have to have no fear of looking silly. To pull it off there has to be no holding back.

I am a work in process. I know this. Every time I do karaoke or perform in some way, my fear lessens. I'm pretty realistic when it comes to my strengths and weaknesses. I was talking to Percy tonight, and I said I have a unique voice. I can't sing everything. It's a matter of figuring out what I can sing. But when I find my sweet spot, I shine. I just need to work on that fear.

That all being said, I do admire people who can let go and be silly. I only do it when I'm in my comfort zone or with my comfort people. Now if you want to know just how silly a person can be - watch this video of the original "Safety Dance". Even if it a well executed performance all I can say is, "What a goof!!!"

http://youtu.be/nM4okRvCg2g

Shadows

As this week approaches, I reflect back on a year ago at this time. I put myself in a situation that wasn't particularly good for me. I thought I could deal with it and in the end I fell apart. I just wish I hadn't had to fall apart so publicly.

I did things I wasn't proud of in response to the situation. Sorry to be blunt, but I jumped into bed with someone because I was hurt by someone else. And as a result, I ended up doing a lot of crying. Mostly because I knew it was the end of something special. I spent my birthday having to look the end in the face, and ended up pulled over on the side of the road crying that night. The next day I couldn't speak. I had to go back to the same place and I got there and couldn't speak. 

My friends threw a joint birthday party for me the next day. Unfortunately, the cake they brought for my birthday didn't get eaten on my day because it was a cluster f##k. The next day they brought cake again, and I couldn't even go in the room. Mainly because the reason I was so upset was in that room. I couldn't go in an look it in the face. I never did have a piece of my birthday cake.

Last year I swore I would not spend this birthday in San Antonio. Not anywhere near the object of my humiliation. I wasn't joking last night when I said he better stay out of my way this week. I have a year's worth of unspoken things that I would love to let loose on him. He left me hanging. He asked for time, then never came back. He didn't talk to me and he didn't let me talk to him. We just fell apart. And because of him, I had to wait yesterday, and that just pissed me off.

There is absolutely no hate in me about this. Just profound sadness. And just a little resentment. So many things were left unsaid. It still hurts. 

So my friends and I are taking off for one night on the beach next weekend. Two of them were witnesses to my break last year, and understand my need to get away. I am so glad they are able to go with me. I want some new memories to replace those that left such bitterness last year.

There are other things going on in my life that are causing me stress. If it weren't for those, this probably wouldn't be a huge deal. On top of them, it just springs to the surface. I don't really have anything happier to think about right now. So the bad things just stay there. I just try to talk to people to distract me. It works most of the time. Friday I had a bad moment. I was chatting with someone, when a reminder of the bad things popped up on facebook. Seeing the happiness of someone who stabbed me in the back, with the person who hurt me so deeply made me cry. Buckets full. But that's ok. Crying is a purge. It gets the sadness out. 

Until I have a better outlet it works. In the next two weeks I'm going to spend time with new friends and old. I will revisit good times with my sisters. I am very stoked. I just want the shadows to go away. I want the sun.

Revert to Type

Everyone has a type. We all fall into some kind of category. And in this case, I'm talking about physically. 

I'm a curvy brunette/red head with a big butt. I'm tall, and in no way could be considered delicate. My ex-boyfriend said I was common. Someone like me could be found anywhere in Texas (brown hair and blue eyes). Needless to say, I got rid of him. Who wants to be with someone who thinks you're common? 

I personally find many different types of men attractive. As I said the other night about "The Voice," those three are three different levels of hotness. Blake Shelton is just adorable, Adam Levine is sexy as all get out, and Usher is just hot. As far as body type, I would tend to go towards an Usher, but as for looks and coloring, Adam Levine is my guy. Except he's way too skinny for my tastes.

The difference is there are many men I find attractive, but as far as attraction goes, I find myself reverting to the same type over and over again. This is not to say there aren't exceptions, but look in my photo albums some time. Many of my exes are the same type. 

Why is this? I think there is something in our genetic makeup that programs us to attracted to a certain type. Instinctually our bodies respond to one type of stimuli. I can't say some of my exes are what society deems hunks, but to me they are exactly what I want and need. Even the ones who diverge from my typical type, have similar personalities. I've dated quite a few engineers and computer people. This is because I'm attracted to way their minds work. That can be the biggest turn on of all.

Recently someone asked me if I was interested in a certain person. I'm trying to be cool, you know, and basically said I liked him as a person, but I wasn't sure if there was any chemistry. However, I admit (to myself at least), that physically he is exactly the type I go for. I just won't tell him that. I'm a little predictable that way. But someone who doesn't know my dating history, wouldn't know that. I've only been in SA for two years. Only a few people know who I've dated since I was in town, and could compare them. They all have something in common.

I think everyone has certain features in people they are attracted to normally. A butt man isn't going to go so someone skinny, and a boob man isn't going to be satisfied with bee stings. I don't particularly like skinny men (my last ex had the skinniest legs, and I hated them, but his upper body made up for the skinny legs). I like to feel - not delicate - but dainty. So a man who can pick me up, does it for me. I am tall and I'm not skinny. A man who can make me feel like I'm nothing does major things for me. 

So, as always, I revert to type. And oh what a type!!!

Timing is Everything

I was just thinking timing is everything. You meet a person, someone you could spend your life with, but the timing just stinks. You're in a relationship, they are in a relationship, one or both of you just got out of a relationship. One's ready, the other's not. There are many reasons.

Timing is everything. Once upon a time, I became close to someone who I cared about very much. For almost six years we were around each other periodically. Part of the time we lived in different places. Other times, we were dating other people. The one time we were single and in the same city, he had just found out his girlfriend of two years had been cheating on him, and they had just broken up. He told me he wasn't ready, I started dating someone else. Then the next time he called, I was unavailable. We kind of just gave up then. He married someone, and I was genuinely happy for him. The next time I saw him I said congratulations and gave him a hug. 

I think if it was meant to be, it would have happened. I mean, six years??? I spoke with him not too long ago, and he told me he had nothing, but fond memories of me.  Same goes for him. I loved him to death because he made me think. We were so different though. Night and day. 

Even since I moved here to San Antonio, I've had a few bad timings. I asked a friend if I was stupid for trying to make something work with someone. The friend said he didn't think the guy was bad for me, just bad for right now. Before it would work, we had to get into the same place, and that never happened. It still makes me sad, because he was the first person I loved in a long time. To this day, he understands me so well. Not too many people get me on that wavelength.

If you don't want the same things at the same time, it's a useless endeavor. It's never going to work. If you both just want to have fun, keep it casual, that usually works. If you both want to settle down, that usually works. If one wants to party, and the other doesn't, it's a recipe for disaster. And if one want to move away and the other wants to stay, you are just begging for heartache.

Timing is everything in life. You can meet the perfect someone, but if the timing or the intentions are off, it is never going to work. I'd like to say it gets easier with age to recognize this, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you just want to give it a chance to see what will happen. Sometimes you get too far in before you recognize the danger signals. 

The point is, you have to take the chance sometimes. You usually don't know until it's too late, that you aren't on the same wavelength. It takes time and effort. If you are lucky, you can take a friendship out of the relationship. Because even though the timing may suck, you may have gained a friend for life. 

Night ramblings

Why is it I get more talkative at night? It is almost 1 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I've been chatting this evening and I just can't unwind. 

I swear the more tired I get the more I talk. I have a few friends who are night owls, and many times they call me and we chat late at night. Once I get going, I can't seem to stop. Usually because we have the most interesting conversations. Something about the night makes me braver in that I'm more likely to say or do something I wouldn't consider during the day. I think it's because I forget to care about propriety. 

I will discuss almost anything. Chat forever. And I usually don't start these conversations. I blame it on damn computer games. I log on long enough to check the status of something or do something and I'm hit. And I forget to turn my computer off, so it shows me online when I'm not. But then I get a notification on my phone. This is a bad thing. I can't seem to unplug. 

Oh well. Since I'm up and rambling anyway, I thought I'd update the blog. I've been trying to find something interesting to write about. My life is semi-boring right now. But I am alive and well AND happy most of the time. I have a few stressors in my life, but I'm tying not to let them get me down.

Good night.

Five Love Languages

I read the "Five Love Languages" years ago. It was extremely enlightening as it explained some things about myself and others in my life. I think since I was single at the time, I never applied it my love life. Then I kind of forgot about it.

I've seen lots of postings about it, then had a long conversation with a friend about it this week, and a light bulb came on inside my head. Each individual person has something that they need from another person to feel happy and content. If the people in their life don't supply those things, you will feel discontent and unloved. 

The FLL are Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Being human, we tend to automatically treat our loved ones as we would like to be treated; however unless they speak the same language, this rarely works. A relationship will wither and die if both parties aren't getting what they need to grow and prosper. When a friend of mine told me she was acts of service, I was like, "Of course." She is the kind of person who constantly does for others. Lord knows she has helped me so much. And she also is such a cheerleader for her friends, which leads me to my secondary love language - words of affirmation.

I need words of approval to feel happy. When all I get is negative, I wither. It is probably why I really don't like my job. No one appreciates me, even when I work hard and excel. I glow when I get approval from others. It's like food and drink to me. When someone is constantly criticizing me, I get insecure. I don't even need it all the time, just once in a while. 

My primary language is quality time. The definition of quality time is this:

"In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there–with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby–makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities." - The Five Love Languages

I blossom when someone gives me their undivided attention. When they focus on me or us. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to be time where there are no distractions. I dated someone for nine months. We didn't spend lots of time together because we were both busy, but when we did, he was so focused on me. We'd cuddle up and talk for hours. Because most of the time we spent together was quality time, it was great. That man understood me in ways no one ever has, and it was addicting. 

The last person I dated gave me neither of these. Half the time we weren't alone. And when we were, he was so focused on himself, I'm not sure he heard a word I said. And he was so critical. I was a mess with him most of the time. I closed myself up. Not a good thing.

Now my lowest scoring love language is physical touch. I certainly like it, but I don't need it. Going back to an ex, he was extremely touchy when we were alone, but in public he wasn't. It didn't matter to me because he always made eye contact, so I knew even if we were in a crowd and he was across the room, he knew exactly where I was and was thinking of me. The problem is, I wasn't giving him what he needed. 

As far as receiving gifts, I do like them, but I don't need them to be happy. I also don't give gifts unless I find something that I know someone would love. I don't buy just to get a gift. I want it to mean something. 

I could go on, but I just wanted to give an overview. This book is worth the read for anyone. There is a kids version to help with understanding your children. The books can give you insights into yourself and those you love. Take the time, your life may be better for it.

Ode to the Oscars

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

This title really doesn't have anything to do with the subject of this blog entry, but as I want to talk about relationships, it's kind of fitting.

This weekend was a little surreal. I spent a little time with someone I really cared about at one point in my life. Someone who I might even say I loved. It has been a long time, and it was nice. I couldn't say I want them back in my love life, but on so many levels I miss him. Mainly because he always made me laugh and he knew me so well. He had me laughing like he always did, and it was nice. But it got me to thinking - always a dangerous thing with me. 

My relationship with this person was very dysfunctional. It wasn't healthy for me. Although I was very happy in so many ways, it tore me up. We could never give each other 100%, for whatever reason. In the end, I had to quit it because it wasn't working. And it took me months to recover from it. I wanted it to work, and we just couldn't get traction. Yet, when I see him and talk to him, it makes me smile, because all of the things I loved about him are still there. As a friend put it, it wasn't that we were wrong for each other, it was just the wrong time. I can see him and absolutely not want him back. I can just remember the good times, and appreciate that even now, he knows me in ways no one else does. 

Since that relationship I have dated others, even one pretty long term (at least for me). I dated someone for months, even at times spent lots of time with him, but at the end of it all, I don't think he had any idea who I was. He decided I was one thing, and refused to listen to anything that didn't fit his idea of me. I really cared about him, and saw a lot of the things he tried to hide about himself. I honestly think he was the most insecure person I ever dated. He likes to hide behind this tough "I don't care" facade, but he was really looking for acceptance. I've never known someone who fished for compliments so much. 

Almost the entire time we were together he was pushing me away. I think he wanted me to fall at his feet, but that is so hard to do when someone is constantly pushing you away. In time, I might have been able to overcome that, but he didn't give me the chance. First he pushed me away entirely. It's funny, he never called me his girlfriend until we broke up. At no time while we were together did we talk exclusivity. We made no promises. We briefly spent some time together months later. I thought it was maybe a new understanding. Then I woke up one morning and got a huge wake up call. While we were together the night before, he had been texting another girl. I sat on his phone, and what popped up but the last text he had sent the night before. I won't share what it said, but needless to say, I felt like a complete fool. I have never felt so disrespected and used in my entire life.

Now this person I could see and I could care less. He managed to kill any sentiment I had for him. He destroyed it. He stomped on me. I could say I hate him, but I'd be lying. I don't care enough to hate him. He made his own bed and he can lay in it. I faced him down one more time just to show everyone I could. I didn't want to run from it. I can't say I don't think of him. I do. I just think he has a lot of growing up to do. Until he stops sabotaging himself, he will never be happy and that is a sad thing.

Since I have moved to SA, I have never lacked for flirts, dates, company or anything else related to others. If I want, I know of several people who I could call, who would keep me company, even just for a night. If I need a self esteem boost, I don't have any trouble. There are many who provide that for me on a regular basis. I don't have to go far. But for all of those who admire and flirt, etc., not one has stepped up to give me what I really need. 

Someone once said to me in the last year, I keep wondering if I should do something like bring you flowers. The answer is YES!!! Bring me flowers. That is something that would melt my heart. Do something besides talk at me, because talk is cheap. Sometimes a gesture speaks louder than words. The words don't hurt either.