Shadows

As this week approaches, I reflect back on a year ago at this time. I put myself in a situation that wasn't particularly good for me. I thought I could deal with it and in the end I fell apart. I just wish I hadn't had to fall apart so publicly.

I did things I wasn't proud of in response to the situation. Sorry to be blunt, but I jumped into bed with someone because I was hurt by someone else. And as a result, I ended up doing a lot of crying. Mostly because I knew it was the end of something special. I spent my birthday having to look the end in the face, and ended up pulled over on the side of the road crying that night. The next day I couldn't speak. I had to go back to the same place and I got there and couldn't speak. 

My friends threw a joint birthday party for me the next day. Unfortunately, the cake they brought for my birthday didn't get eaten on my day because it was a cluster f##k. The next day they brought cake again, and I couldn't even go in the room. Mainly because the reason I was so upset was in that room. I couldn't go in an look it in the face. I never did have a piece of my birthday cake.

Last year I swore I would not spend this birthday in San Antonio. Not anywhere near the object of my humiliation. I wasn't joking last night when I said he better stay out of my way this week. I have a year's worth of unspoken things that I would love to let loose on him. He left me hanging. He asked for time, then never came back. He didn't talk to me and he didn't let me talk to him. We just fell apart. And because of him, I had to wait yesterday, and that just pissed me off.

There is absolutely no hate in me about this. Just profound sadness. And just a little resentment. So many things were left unsaid. It still hurts. 

So my friends and I are taking off for one night on the beach next weekend. Two of them were witnesses to my break last year, and understand my need to get away. I am so glad they are able to go with me. I want some new memories to replace those that left such bitterness last year.

There are other things going on in my life that are causing me stress. If it weren't for those, this probably wouldn't be a huge deal. On top of them, it just springs to the surface. I don't really have anything happier to think about right now. So the bad things just stay there. I just try to talk to people to distract me. It works most of the time. Friday I had a bad moment. I was chatting with someone, when a reminder of the bad things popped up on facebook. Seeing the happiness of someone who stabbed me in the back, with the person who hurt me so deeply made me cry. Buckets full. But that's ok. Crying is a purge. It gets the sadness out. 

Until I have a better outlet it works. In the next two weeks I'm going to spend time with new friends and old. I will revisit good times with my sisters. I am very stoked. I just want the shadows to go away. I want the sun.