Selfish Creature

I am a very selfish creature by nature. I tend to live for self-gratification. I'm in my own world most of the time, and don't notice what is going on in other people's lives.

My mom understood why I do that. I am a super compassionate person. I feel others pain. I can't stand to see anyone in pain, or hurting. It hurts me to see others hurting. That is why I cut myself off. If I don't engage or get involved, I don't hurt. Some say that makes me cold. I say it helps me function.

It's called self-preservation. I do it well. And most times I am wrapped up in my own little world. I didn't know it was a friend's birthday last week and I felt like shit when I realized I spent a few hours with someone and didn't say a word. Too wrapped up in my own little drama. Sometimes people have to slap me with the obvious, because I'm too busy trying not to notice other's problems.

Going to my Facebook post the other night - I tend to attract unavailable people. I don't mean married or anything, but men who are unwilling or unable to emotionally commit. Ones who want to be friends, but don't want involvement. They flirt. Sometimes they flirt a lot. And I flirt back. 

They also come to me with their problems. They talk to me. Many of these are male friends. I have always had a lot of men friends, and I don't know why. I think it's because I'm blunt and most of the time I don't pretend to be something I'm not with them. Maybe its because I'm a geek at heart, and these guys are geeks too. To put it bluntly, I'm not attracted to most geeks, so I have nothing to lose by being me. I admire them for their minds and their sense of humor. They are fun to be around. I just don't want to date then. I've gone on in previous blogs about my search for the sexy geek. Still looking.

I love to hear people's problems and help them either find a solution, or feel better about a particular situation. Several friends have told me I should become a counselor and get paid for my good advice. I'm just not sure I could handle it all the time.

The point of this is, I am selfish. I'm thinking about my happiness and well being. Not to the point I ignore others, but I'm too old to let guilt rule me. And I love listening to others talk. I really do. I was joking about the whining. It helps me see the whole person. And and long as they are willing to listen to me also, there isn't a problem. I don't know what I'd do without my friends to listen to me. And if I can be that for someone else, it does make me feel good. 

Going back to the unavailable people, I had a situation years ago. In my work capacity I was around a group of men, all married. I became a mascot to the group in many ways. I especially hit it off with one of the guys. We would talk all the time. It got to the point where some of the wives though I was sleeping with this guy. Little did they know he talked to me constantly about his wife. How they wanted to start a family and buy a house. 

For some reason I seem to inspire that kind of response in men. I could tell you some stories that would raise your eyebrows, but I won't. I'm not doing anything wrong talking to them. I refuse to feel guilty. When someone's saying they want a divorce, I'm supportive. If they say they aren't going to get a divorce, I'm supportive. I may not be married, but with all the stories I've heard, and observations I've made, I have a pretty good idea how it works. And if I'm able, I want to be friends with the wife too, because otherwise it's too weird. 

If I can stay in my bubble, I can and will, but if my bubble is popped or invaded, I will gladly engage and do what I can to help. Even if it is just to listen for a little while. But if you can't pop my protective bubble that shields me from the world, don't take it personally. If you can't get inside my bubble, then chances are you aren't that close to me, at which point I really don't care.

Call me selfish...oh wait, I already called myself that.