I am such a big fat fake!!!

I am a fake really. I am tough, and I am strong, but I am not an ice queen. I can pretend to shut down my emotions, but I don't. I can delay them a little while. I can pretend to be cold (I am an actress, remember), but truly I am one of the most emotional people you will ever meet.

I love with passion, I hate with passion. I'm not supposed to hate anyone, as it isn't a very Christian emotion, but there are some people who just get on my nerves. I don't particularly like to pretend to like people I don't, but I will  if the situation calls for tolerance. There are even people who I can't stand, but I do feel sorry for. I honestly believe life is way to short to surround yourself with people you can't like or respect. I can't stand liars. What is the purpose?

I may seem like a pretty happy person, and for the most part I am. However, below the surface I am raging with emotions. I took a class not to long ago called emotional intelligence. We took a test in the class, and I actually finished with the highest score. What that meant was I was the most perceptive in the class to other people's emotions as well as my own. It is really hard to function sometimes when you feel people annoyance, when you know people are being fake, when you can tell people are frustrated and you can't do anything about it. I can tell when people are happy, sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc. As long as those emotions aren't directed as me, I feel them. I do have a blind spot when it comes to my own situations.

I close myself off from others because I can't walk around absorbing everything. I can't handle it. And I'm single because I've yet to meet the man who can handle my emotions. Of course, it has been years since I've let my emotions go in that way. I'm not even sure I remember how to. I purposely put myself in situations where the other person is as emotionally detached as I pretend to be. I spend time with people who are emotionally unavailable, so that I won't have to risk feeling something. Of course, that is what makes be the big fat liar. I do feel things, I just pretend not to. The sad part if no one cares much whether I feel or not. It's probably why I've been able to remain friends with many of my ex boyfriends. I never lost control of my emotions and made a fool of myself.

One of my friends told me recently, that she wanted me to be happy. That love was worth the risk. If you don't open yourself up to it, then you are missing out on something that is worth everything. I do believe it is true. Love is worth the risk. However, I haven't learned life's lesson yet that tells me how to take a risk. I remember once upon a time, I asked someone out. This man had jokingly proposed to me one night while I was dating and out with someone else. He was drunk and basically said I should marry him, that we were meant to be. Just the fact that he had the opportunity to say this to me while I was out with a boyfriend, should have been a clue that the relationship with the first guy wouldn't work.

Fast forward one year. My boyfriend and I broke up and I needed a date to a formal affair. I called the second guy, and basicially said, ok - you want a chance with me, here's your chance, let's go. The only time in my life I really asked someone out. Needless to say, he said yes. On our first date, he told me he loved me. I started hyperventilating. Literally. He held me and told me he knew that scared the shit out of me, and it was ok if I didn't return the emotion. I about had a heart attack when he said I love you. I found out later he had been waiting for me. For years. He didn't wait alone the entire time, but I was always there in the back of his mind. Someone told me he had been in love with me for years and was waiting for me to be ready.

He wore me down eventually, and I did love him. He knew me very well. And if things had worked out differently, I would have married him like we planned, but it didn't. I have to say that experience shaped me. That was the last time I told someone I loved them, even if it wasn't the last time I've been in love. You would think after all of these years, I would have gotten over my fear of those "three little words," but I haven't. I think I would probably choke saying them.

The moral of this story is I do feel emotions. I love, I hate, I cry, I get sad, I get mad, and I get happy. I constantly ride a roller coaster of emotions that I rarely let others see. And I am seriously oblivious sometimes when it comes to my own situation. I also know the reason why my friends are worried about me right now is they don't think I can stay detached. The answer is I probably can't stay detached. God only knows all of the tears I've cried over everything that is going on in my life right now. I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated and lonely. It's the lonely I feel the most. I am a fake. I'm tough on the outside (and on the inside too), but I am also and emotional creature. I've just learned not to be ruled by them. I can pretend they aren't there, but I'm a liar. I feel so much at times it hurts.

"Sometimes I wonder, where I've been. Who I am, do I fit in? Make believing is hard alone, Out here on my own." -