The Mirror Has Two Faces

Those who know me well hardly view me as invisible, but I've lived my life as a shadow. I often call myself generic, and with good reason. I have doppelgangers everywhere. I have spent years with people telling me that they thought they saw me somewhere. I have had boyfriends and very close friends make this mistake. I think my family members are the only ones who have never said it about me.

I'm a wallflower. I'm the person in the background no one even notices is there. If you don't know me, you probably won't even be aware I exist. I've been saying for years, if I can get someone to talk to me, I can attract man, but the trick is getting them to talk to me. I'm not shy around men I'm not attracted to, only those I am attracted to.

The movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces" is about a woman who sees herself as unattractive and overweight. A woman who lives in the shadow of others who have beauty. She meets a man who is only interested in her because is is unattractive and she marries into a companionship relationship. A relationship completely based on friendship with no sex. Of course the man in the relationship is handsome although completely screwed up, as he wants someone he isn't attracted to. She marries him thinking a marriage without sex is better than a life alone. When her husband refuses to make love to her, and she reaches a point of total humiliation when she throws herself at him, she realizes she has to change. Not for her husband, but for herself.

Although I didn't have a total humiliation point where I threw myself at someone and got rejected, I had the epiphany where I realized I needed to change. Not for me, but for myself. I realized I wasn't happy the way I was and I needed to do something about it. So I quit smoking, I lost weight, and I started working out. None of this is for anyone else. I am doing it for myself.  I do realize that no matter what I do, I am still invisible. I will never be skinny again. I'm lucky if I don't kill myself exercising given my propensity for accidents. I am such a klutz. Remember the line from "Legally Blonde" where Reese Witherspoon's character says "Exercise creates endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people don't kill their husbands?" I'm still waiting for those endorphins to kick in, but for the most part I'm very happy.

What makes you want to settle for something? What if you don't see something as settling, but as a way to pass the time? What if you know something could easily blow up in your face, if you let yourself feel what your instinct say you could feel? What is every instinct in you is screaming at you to run far away because if you don't your going to find yourself hurt? What if you know without a doubt that getting hurt is the only way you can find out if you are capable of feeling anything? What is the defining moment when you decide to jump one way or the other? I don't know, I have absolutely no clue. I'm just living my life day to day, and hoping I'm making decisions that will do me the least amount of damage.

The mirror not only shows the way you see yourself, but the way others see you. It's a complicated way to think of things. If you can reconcile the two, then maybe you will achieve a state of bliss that so few of us ever achieve. I'm waiting on it. I'm waiting on the one who can see me for who I really am without the trappings, and can accept me as I am.