I am upset right now. No denying the emotion. I'm angry and hurt and a little indignant. I will not get into the reasons too much, but I have to address the emotions.
People who know me well know I'm negative. I tend to pick apart situations and play the devil's advocate. My bosses hate that about me as much as the love that I have the skill. I try to balance my negative and positive, but the negative wins most of the time. Since I moved to San Antonio, I have been making a concerted effort to be positive. Most friends who have known me forever have been very impressed by my positive attitude overall. One friend told me he used to think I was a miserable person, but now loves the way I embrace life, and take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
There are some who don't let me vent. Who don't let me get things off my chest. Who refuse to listen to anything they perceive as negative. I mentioned earlier in the summer I was scared of something. Petrified actually. The response I got was just stop being scared, don't worry about it, go with the flow. I pray to God on a semi regular basis to help me do this, but I don't know how to stop worrying about some things. I tried to explain, and the person shut me down. I started crying. When they started to make a comment about me crying, I yelled at them that worrying is what I do, and I can't be sunshine and roses all the time. I can't shut it off fear at will. I'm not an ice queen. That particular issue has been resolved, and it turned out I had nothing to worry about, but those who knew why I was scared, know I had justification for my fear. Only two people know what I did to resolve my fear.
You should be able to honest with your friends. You should be able to tell them what you are doing, what your are feeling without worrying about recriminations. One friend of mine recently told me she was worried about me, and thought I was making a mistake, but she wanted me to be happy. She also told me she had a speech prepared for when the situation blew up in my face, but until then, she would support me in whatever I chose to do. That is friendship. Others basically lectured me to death then proceeded to bar me from speaking about my situation ever again. It's not much of a friendship when one person refuses to let the other person talk about anything.
I'm used to criticism about my person. I am negative; I'm too fat; my hair looks bad; am I going to wear that; I saw your twin (yes I'm generic looking, I know this); I'm too slow; I'm too emotional; I'm a bitch; etc. I've heard it all. I can handle these things from random people, but not from my friends. At least not constantly. Tell me something once, don't harp on it. I really am a contrary person. Disapproval usually makes me go the exact way someone disapproves.
Speak your piece, but leave the constant criticism at the door. Express your doubts and move on with your life. Let me move on with mine. I don't need your criticism. I criticize myself enough without your help. I'm sad that it is such an issue. It shouldn't be. It really shouldn't. That isn't what friendship is supposed to be.
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