Smile - What choice do you have?

"Smile though your heart is aching.

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.

 

If you smile through your pain and sorrow.

Smile and maybe tomorrow.

You'll see the sun come shining through. For you.

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near.

That's the time you must keep on trying.

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile."

Yesterday we got bad news. If you know my history you can probably guess. It is not a secret that my dad has cancer. Yesterday we got word, that he needs to start chemo again. In addition, he is going to have to surgery first for an entirely different reason. He called it the double whammy. Both not good, but neither one completely surprising. I'll admit I lost it in fear on Monday night. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. The not knowing is worse for me. The dreading. I had a bad feeling going into yesterday, and I was right.

Cancer is a scary, scary thing. It took my mom, one of my friends, and many relatives. It is ravaging not only on those suffering from it, but on the loved ones watching the fight. My friend Mike fought for approximately 13 years. He left a wife, who I consider a friend, and two beautiful children, who are not really kids anymore. They all still miss him and it has been three years. Mike's fight with cancer left an impression on me I can't explain. He lived his life, not as a victim of cancer, but as a survivor, grateful for every moment he had with his friends, his family, his wife, and his children. He taught me so much, and made me appreciate my life in ways I never had before.

My dad has the same wonderful attitude. His positive outlook just beams from him. He is an inspiration to so many people including me. We will get through this again. I have to believe that, otherwise I may break.

The words to the song above are an illustration of my life. Those who have known me for a long time would never describe me as giggly. Now I just try to laugh, if I can. I want to be around people who distract me, make me laugh, and keep me from brooding. I brood a lot. I might be laughing, then all of a sudden cry. I might withdraw for awhile without a word, just to process all the emotions I am feeling. Have patience. I love my daddy. I am petrified. And I know he will read this, and worry about me. Just like I worry about him. I love you, Daddy!!!

Last night someone wished me luck and strength. I need luck, to not inappropriately lose it in the wrong situation. Strength I have. Most of the time.

In the meantime, I will do what the song says and just smile.