Earlier someone posted that they didn't know what to do with themselves. I started thinking about some of the things I get into when I'm bored or restless. And even more if I'm hurt.
People around me tend to say I run all the time. It's pretty true.
"It's the idle man who is the miserable man." (Benjamin Franklin)
I keep busy for many reasons. If I'm busy I don't have time to dwell on things. I don't have time to get sad. I don't have time to over analyze everything I've said and done, and what others have said and done. These are a few examples. Before I started having health issues, I was a terrible insomniac. I couldn't shut my brain down. It still happens at times.
When I can't sleep I think about things that aren't and things that could be. I think about things I could have done better. Conversations where I should have said something, but didn't. Times where I said something when I would have been better off keeping my big mouth shut.
I dream about things that could be, or things I wish existed. Wide awake, I think about the things missing from my life, and beat myself up for messing things up. So many times I haven't taken steps I should have because of insecurities. I clam up completely when I'm unsure or insecure. I avoid saying things that should be voiced, and I say things best left unsaid.
This is why I stay busy. My life is not enriched by dwelling on things I can't change.
On the other hand, restlessness mixed with hurt is a recipe for disaster with me. Earlier this year I did a few things I'm really not proud of at all. I used someone to make myself feel better and to try to make someone else feel bad. To prove I didn't need that person, when I really did. I was the only one hurt by my actions.
Sometimes I drink too much in an effort to forget my troubles, or to prove to anyone observing that I'm not bothered by someone else's indifference. Because what says nothings wrong better than drinking too much and getting sick? Again, all I manage to do is hurt myself. I flirt with people I'm not interested in, just to say -"Ha, you see??? I'm very desirable." What a laugh. Using people to make me feel better is the worse thing I do. I don't mean to hurt others, but at times I can't seem to help it.
If I stay busy with things, I don't come up with these self-destructive schemes. I don't hate myself for things I shouldn't have done. I don't hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. I love my alone time, but when I'm insecure, that alone time just serves to feed my insecurities, which makes me a little whacked out. I will prove to everybody that there is nothing wrong. I act tough like I don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth. I care so much, it hurts at times. I just don't want people to know. I hate for people to see me vulnerable. Even those close to me. Perhaps especially those close to me.
So I stay busy to keep from self-destructing. I don't always succeed. Most of the time I do. But if there is one thing in life I've learned as it applies to me:
"Idleness is the root of mischief." (Chaucer)
Enough said.
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