I got a message about an "End of the World" party for Friday night earlier, and I thought what a good topic for a blog. Now I don't think the world is going to end Friday, but it's as good a reason as any to reflect. I don't think there is a person alive who can look back at their life and not regret something. Even those who are at peace with their lives can look back an wish they had taken one road or another, although they may be happy where they ended up.
I regret I didn't go to law school when I was young. My life would be completely different now. However, if I had gone to law school, I never would have met some of the great people I've come into contact with over the years. I never would have moved to Arkansas. If the market wasn't so flooded with attorneys right now, I might even go to law school yet, but I don't think it's an economically feasible endeavor at this time.
I regret that I was so determined to leave Ennis for college that I overlooked someone who cared about me. Years later he told me if only I hadn't been so intent to leave, we might have had a chance. I cared about him a lot, but our timing sucked. I realized that might not have been the case if I hadn't been hell bent on getting out of Ennis. Then later, when there may have been another chance, I screwed that up too. And for something that wasn't worth anything in the grand scheme of things.
Those are two things I can pinpoint to specific incidences. It's the general things that sometimes keep me awake at night.
I wish I wasn't afraid. Afraid of what, you ask? Afraid to feel. No. That's not right. I'm not afraid to feel. I afraid to let people know I feel. So many people value my ability to stay cool and calm under duress, and I hate to ruin illusions. I am one of the most emotional creatures alive. I love and hate hard. I'm pretty quick to let people know what I hate, but wary about letting anyone know where I love. It's a work in progress. I'm getting better with family and friends, but I still have trouble letting anyone else know I care.
It's so easy to act like you don't care about anything. To act all nonchalant about emotions. To pretend things don't bother you. To not act hurt when someone says something to you that rocks your world. Easy to pretend it doesn't bother you, then go home alone and get mad or cry or scream. The problem is when this happens, when I'm pretending something doesn't bother me, I tend to say things I don't mean that come back to haunt me. I don't think quickly on my feet, so I say the first thing that pops into my head, then have to live with the consequences.
I wish I didn't care so much about perception. I wish I had more self-confidence and belief in myself and my worth. I wish I could see into the heads of others and see how they see me. I wish I didn't let people accept my surface, and actually forced them to look beyond into the real me.
I wish I had taken a few chances that I was too cowardly to take. I regret not telling certain people I loved them because I was afraid they didn't feel the same way.
Since it's the end of the world, take this chance to tell people how you really feel. Don't let them accept the superficial as reality. Take a chance. And most of all don't dwell on your regrets.
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