If you ever drink alcohol, chances are some time in your life you have drank too much and done or said something you regret. You may not even remember doing what it is you did, but usually there is a friend to remind you of your stupidity so the embarrassment can live on.
I said something this weekend I shouldn't of said to someone I really shouldn't have said it to. I won't regret it. What I regret is a took something that isn't trivial and made it seem so. A friend the other night said that I was so cute in the way I talk so bluntly and open about things. There are some things I do talk bluntly about. Lately I have been very open about my dating life to friends. I would be anyway, but my talk lately have been very strategic, and used to mask something I'm trying not to show the world. What I'm trying to hide is not something I will share here, but I will explain what I'm trying tell the world.
When I set my mind to it, I can find dates and I can get men interested in me, despite my dating sabbatical in Arkansas. And yes, I admit it, I didn't go on many dates in Arkansas. In fact, there were very few people I even wanted to go out with. I can think of only one crush I had the entire time I was there. I think my illness and my weight gain (caused by my illness), caused me to lose my self-confidence. And there is the fact for years I was in a lot of pain, and I didn't want to be touched. It makes it really difficult to date when you don't want to be touched. A year ago today, I took care of the problem that was causing me pain. That happened on the tail end of my diet where I lost almost 80 pounds. I actually did hit the 80 pound mark post surgery, but I gained about five back and I have kept it around the 75 pound mark since then.
I periodically decide I will go out on dates. And each time I have done that since moving to SA, I have succeeded. I have even gone out with some men who I genuinely like. Even though there have been a few losers in there. When I get into this kind of mood, and my determination kicks in, I typically succeed. The problem is I'm doing it to say I did it. To prove to myself I can so out and have a good time. Then I talk about it. It makes me feel younger. It makes me feel like I did back in the day. That being said, dating makes me tired. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie or read or get on the computer or work out. And yes, I did say work out (yay me!!!). It really goes against my nature to date around and see different people, but doing so makes me not feel as old. Being in menopause at my age has really messed with my psyche.
But regardless of how I feel about it, until my circumstances change, I will periodically make the effort to date people, and if I go out on two dates, with two different men in two days, yeah you will probably hear about it. Oh, did I mention a couple of weeks ago I went out two different men in two days? Last fall I had three different dates one week and was asked out by a fourth man. The sad part is I've done better than that, but not for a long time.
Going back to drunk talking, this weekend I said something a little more bluntly than I meant it. I made something seem trivial that isn't. I really hate that I did that. And even better, a friend of mine also said some things in a drunken state regarding me and the same thing I accidentally talked about. The bad thing is she doesn't recall what she said, but it's fine. The result of these drunken utterances is I'm going to have to work through an issue I have been dealing with for a few months. The one I have been trying to hide, even from myself.
Sometimes letting your guard down, even if it is by artificial means, is a good thing. As a result of all of this, I have said some things that needed to be said. I wish I could say I've said them all, but there are still a few things outstanding. They will be resolved soon I hope, but it's one painfully slow step at a time.
In the meantime, I will try not to be embarrassed by what I said to the wrong person the other night. I will have to face them soon, so I need to get over it. I will try not to open my big mouth about this particular subject again.
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