Steel Magnolia - That's Me!

So a dream of mine is finally coming true...I get to be in "Steel Magnolias." This play is an actress' dream. All of the characters are equally important and all of them are good. I only wish the opportunity had arisen when I was young enough to play either Shelby or Annelle. Then again, who am I kidding? I was never Shelby, the prettiest girl in town. I would have loved to play Annelle, but alas, I am too old. This go round I am play M'Lynn, Shelby's mother. In the future I hope I get the opportunity to play Ouiser and/or Clairee. Both are wonderful parts, as is the role of Truvy. I just think Truvy is too easy, which is why I really am honored to play M'Lynn.


M'Lynn has a very pivotal role in this play. She is the mother of a diabetic. Her daughter, despite warnings, decides to get pregnant, a condition that eventually leads to her death. M'Lynn has to deal with the stress of her daughter's marriage, pregnancy, kidney transplant and death within the confines of the play. It is an emotional roller coaster. I am dying to sink my teeth into it. If you are familiar with the movie, but don't remember the names, Sally Field played M'Lynn on the big screen. Those are some huge shoes to fill. I believe I am equal to the task. 


As I read the script there are certain parts I identify with more than others. Unfortunately I identify with them from the wrong angle. The first scene discusses Shelby's inability to have children. "There is no disgrace in not being able to have children," M'Lynn says along with, "It's not the easiest thing in the world to sit there and watch your child's heart break." Every time I read that part I think of my mom. My mom had to do that with me. 


There came a point when I found out I couldn't have kids. The doctor's never said it was impossible, but my medical condition along with the damage done to my cervix by a quack doctor when I was in my mid-twenties just made it likely I never was going to be able to carry a child to term. Miscarriages have run in my family anyway. My grandmother had many, many miscarriages, which is why my mother was an only child. My mother also suffered one before she had me. Mom and I didn't talk about it much, but it was always there hanging in the air. 


Mom and dad had a crib set up at their house so the grandkids could nap or sleep over on occasion. Emily and Dylan used it, and when Cole came along, he used it too. For years after Cole was too big for it, I asked mom why she didn't take it down. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. It was at that point I realized - she was waiting for me. I looked at her and told her she had to stop hoping I was going to have a baby. I was never going to be able to get pregnant and it hurt me to look at the empty crib and have to think about how I was never going to be able to have children. We both kind of cried over it. She still didn't take it down, so months later I grabbed my dad and asked him to help me take it apart and put it away. It was the final nail in the coffin of mom's hopes that I would have kids. 


I know I could adopt, but it took me years to come to terms with my childless state. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want children, and most men who want children wouldn't want to be with someone like me. It's the reason why I haven't let anyone close to me in years. Who want's a woman who can't have kids? Now this is an absolute permanent state. I have nothing left. They were going to save one of my ovaries when I went in for my hysterectomy, but it was in such bad shape, they went ahead and removed it. So I'm in menopause. It sucks at my age, but at least I feel better than I have in years.


The point of this is I identify with Shelby wanting kids no matter what, but being in this play is forcing me to see all of this from my mother's point of view. How it must have hurt her to see me going through all of my struggles. My dad too, but it's not quite the same. It also rocks me at the ending to have to do a scene about losing my daughter, when all I can think is I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I know it's selfish. I wasn't blessed enough to find someone who was willing to have me, barren and all. I'm getting a little too old now to start a family, so my time is running out. I admire my cousin who had a similar problem and has adopted. I hope to see her and meet her babies. 


I don't like to talk about this much, but I think about the title of this play, "Steel Magnolias." the analogy is women are so much stronger than men. We can handle almost anything life throws at us. Men are much more sensitive about things like this than they ever let on. That is why they shut down, when women cry to talk to friends. We are made of steel. I just hope when I get through this, my mother is looking down on me from heaven and proud of me for dealing with some of my personal demons by doing this play. But if I'm a little more emotional than usual, you know why. This is beating me up, but I am made of steel. You can chink my armor, but you aren't going to break it. 


Now if I can only do the play justice.

My world rocked!!

It was no secret to those around me this weekend that I was deeply troubled. I barely made it through the weekend. I do not like being asked if I'm ok. I do not like people feeling sorry for me. And I really don't like people thinking I'm stupid. The fact that a combination of all three of those things was happening over the weekend made it almost unbearable for me at times. Poor stupid Laura - that is me. At least to most of the people I was around.

I went back and forth between mad and sad most of the weekend. Thursday night I spent most of the night crying because I went out on a date with someone because I could. Not a real good reason to go out with someone. Thank goodness the person didn't realize I was upset. As I told a friend Saturday morning, I can be a pretty good actress. On Friday night, I had to pull over on the side of the road for 10 minutes. I was crying too hard to drive. I tried to make it home. In fact, I surprised anyone let me drive myself home considering the state I was in Friday night. I was trying to keep a smile on my face since it was my birthday, but as soon as I was alone, I crashed emotionally. Again, poor stupid Laura. People were just shaking their heads at me again and asking if I was ok. NO - I wasn't ok. I promise I wasn't.

On Saturday, I was just depressed. I didn't want to speak to anyone at all. I was determined to get through Saturday night's performance and skip the cast party. I really didn't cry very much, until I started thinking about my mom. I almost always cry when I think of my mom. Instead of grabbing my heart pendant, the one I grab a lot when I'm upset to give me strength, I grabbed my mom's amethyst necklace. It is a beautiful thing that my friend and I "designed" for my dad to give to my mom for Christmas one year. Something in me prompted me to put it on Saturday. I had a mini cry for my mom then I got in the car to go get some new fake eyelashes before driving to rehearsal.

All afternoon Saturday I had been listening to Kelly Clarkson Radio on I Heart Radio. It was playing all of the songs I love. In fact, when I got in my car, it was doing so well on songs, I plugged it back in to listen. All of a sudden a song came on that shouldn't have. It didn't match the other songs. I looked down and saw Carrie Underwood and was getting ready to turn it off when I realized what song was playing. It was "Jesus, Take the Wheel." As I listened to words of a song I rarely listen to, tears started streaming down my face.

"And for the first time in a long time, she bowed her head to pray. She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life. I know I've got to change, so from now on tonight,

"Jesus, take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own.

"I'm letting go, so give me one more chance, to save me from this road I'm on."

God speaks to us in mysterious ways. I need to let go of so many things. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but this literally rocked me. I couldn't speak to anyone when I got to the play on Saturday because I was trying to process. I cannot remember another time when God has spoke to me as vividly as he did on Saturday. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do next.