Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me 
Something is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!" - Defying Gravity from the musical "Wicked"


A good friend of mine called me a chicken not too long ago. He said I was so scared, that I would never take a leap. At least not on something that really mattered. Odd conversation, huh?

Basically, he was talking about matters of the heart. He said that until I let myself be completely vulnerable by laying it all on the line, I was never going to reap the ultimate reward - love.

Taking a leap of faith, trusting another person, with what you hold dear is a frightening thing. Giving your heart to another person is ultimate human experience. It requires trust. It requires you to be vulnerable. Because only when you bare it all will you be able to reap the benefits and gain all of the rewards.

I admit to myself at least, that I have trouble doing this. The last time I took that leap it left me broken, bleeding and damaged. For years afterwards, I dated like I was out for revenge. I would not let anyone get close to me. I didn't want to be vulnerable. This doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for some of the men I dated. It just means I wouldn't let go of my pride long enough to show them I cared. As a result, these relationships never went anywhere. Was it completely my fault? No - not at all. That street goes both ways.

I've said before that my ex when we broke up told me I needed to look to myself and figure out what I want from life. And I need to stop holding back everything. He called me a fake because I never let anyone really see the real me. While that isn't true, it is true that I was never completely myself with him. Probably because I could never figure him out. I didn't know from day to day if I'd be dealing with Mr. Cool or Mr. Sickeningly Sweet. Ultimately I got to deal with Mr. Douche Bag. He really knocked my self-steem down, but his actions and words caused me to do a lot of self-examination. 

I spook. I understand this about myself. I'm afraid of intensity of emotions - mine or others. What I have figured out is I need to be honest about this in a relationship. And once I find the right person, he will understand that about me. And if he is the right person, he will have patience with me and understand sometimes I need space. The space is only so I can work my head through things. I do shut down sometimes. It may only be for a few minutes, but it could be for a few hours. Once I work my head through my problems, I'm usually fine. Just because I freak out and shut down doesn't mean I don't think the person I'm with is capable of helping me cope, it just means I need to straighten things out in my head before I proceed. 

I want to defy gravity and make a blind leap, I just need to know there is at least a possibility of a net if I fall. I don't have to see the net, just know there could be one. 

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

Forgive and Forget

I was reminded last night of one of my fatal flaws - I'm not very forgiving. My mom used to say that if someone, for lack of a better word, betrayed me for the most part they cease to exist in my eyes. They might as well be dead for all I care. This was true when I was younger, but as I've aged I'm a little better, to a point.

Trust is a big thing with me. I'm a pretty honest person, and I value honesty and integrity in those around me. If someone lies to my face about something, I'm not going to have much trust in them in the future. I once had a co-worker who was a compulsive liar and one-upper. If she thought anyone was outdoing her or getting more attention than her, she would make up these incredible stories to get herself attention. You know like she was a Victoria's Secret model. Because VS hires ugly 5'2" models with bad teeth and hair for their catalogs. Those little things I tended to ignore because they didn't effect me, but when she started lying about work issues, and trying to sabotage me with co-workers, I lost it. I felt sorry for her because of her upbringing (assuming it was true), then I realized she was just a useless human being. I have never been so glad to see the back of someone when I moved back to Texas.

I also can't stand it when people don't follow through with their promises. If I promise to do something, I will move heaven and high water to follow through on my promise. And if for some reason I can't, I send apologies, explain, and vow to make it up to people. I can't stand it when people make plans to do something and back out at the last minute (unless emergencies come up). And the bigger the plans, the worse it is. 

This is all background for me. Now I tend to tolerate those who I don't trust with more grace than I did when I was younger, but to tolerate and forgive and forget are two different things. There is always something in the back of my mind thinking this person is worthless.

There are somethings that happen to individuals where the betrayal just rocks your world. Where you are blindsided when a person you thought was on your side, suddenly knocks you off your feet. The type of thing where you have trouble looking at the individual without feeling that betrayal. What do you do? I mean I can forgive after time, but to forget? Maybe if absence is a factor, but to see someone everyday after they have stuck a knife in your back makes it very difficult to either forgive or forget. It causes bitterness.

I don't have a lot of forgiveness in me at times. I do get bitter. I try to tolerate and put things aside, but there are times I can't. I don't even come close. I have been blessed in the fact that no one who I can't easily remove from my life has made me feel this way. Others are not so lucky. If someone can tell me how to eradicate resentment and bitterness, I'd love to know. It's not really in me. And I have nothing but the greatest sympathy for those who know that feeling. I have the greatest envy for people who can forgive and forget. I'm just never going to be one of those people.