Sorry for the curse word, but I'm about to go off an a rant. This one is not really negative. This is more like an observation. Any similarities to real life are purely intended. I only write about what I know, see, read, or observe. I do this too and will bear my own insecurities towards the end. It is bad enough we take out our insecurities on ourselves, why do we take it out on others too.
Why are women so down on themselves and other women? Why? Why are we so negative about ourselves? Why are we talk about other people when they have something we want. I know a beautiful women who has a problem area. I have no idea if it really is a problem because she guards it like nobody's business. She is always covered up. Despite the fact she is pretty, has a skin color I would kill for, she is confident and successful, she still self-depreciates.
I also have heard someone making fun of chubby girls with boyfriends. The just of the conversation goes something like this, "How did she get a date looking like that?", "She might as well not be wearing a top, she's so big it's all falling out.", "Not only is she chubby, but she's walking around with food, not a good image." I don't understand why you would assume someone couldn't get a date because they have a few extra pounds. I think it has more to do with confidence than looks. I will get back to this.
Another friend of mine is going back to school. She is smart and determined. She is also working herself into an ulcer inducing state worrying about whether she will pass her classes. For a smart girl, she can be pretty dumb sometimes. I say this will love, "YOU ARE SMART, WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU GET AN 'A' ON YOUR TEST???" Or project, or quiz. To see someone make themselves sick with stress over school when they are smart and capable kills me. You shouldn't blow it off, but stressing about it only makes you stress. It actually hurts me to hear the surprise each week when they get an "A". You are smart. Of course you made a good grade.
Everyone who reads this is pretty familiar with the fact I have lost weight. I'm still not a tiny little thing. I never will be. It is painful to be around people who are tiny and beautiful and in shape and always look put together (even in sweats) and listen to them obsess about weight. I'm starting to get a complex. I'm not a lightweight. If a little extra weight is a reason to not date someone, then I guess I will be single and alone my whole life. I'm trying to exercise, but my knees hurt sometimes, and I feel like my joints are getting stiff. I was talking to a running coach this week, and she suggested some shots for arthritis. God knows my body is damaged and beat up. I don't want to be crippled, so I have to keep going. It is unrealistic to expect I can go on at this pace forever. I can't guarantee I won't gain a little back. Most people who don't know me would think I was the chubby girl. That is why it hurts to hear someone who looks not too different than me, referred to as that chubby girl. The statement is always followed by, how can she get a date if I can't?
Now to my looks. I'm a wallflower. I blend into the crowd. I do not stand out. I will never me the one person in the room everyone notices and remarks upon. I'm the girl that has doubles everywhere. I've had friends and boyfriends actually mistake someone else for me. How sad is that? However I'm not a dog. I'm not going to be the ugly one in the room usually. And I know when I'm "on" I can attract someone if I set my mind to it. Alas, I have lost my mojo. I need my groove back. I need to remember how to be me. I used to be an consummate flirt. I was great at it. I'm a little shy though. Now I only flirt with safe people. If it is someone I might be interested in, I clam up. I went out Friday night with one purpose -- to get my flirt on. I was in a safe environment, surrounded by strangers. What better place to practice?
I think it all comes down to confidence. Confidence in yourself draws others to you. If you don't let your insecurities get to you and have confidence, others won't see the flaws. I admire a person who is not afraid to wear that daring outfit. To show their arms, wear shorts. Put on a bathing suit and walk into the sun. Now I'm not including the 300 pound woman I saw a few weeks ago with the hairiest back I've ever seen. She needed to put on some clothes in public. I shouldn't say it though. None of us should say it.
We are all beautiful people. We need to have confidence in ourselves. Maybe with that confidence, everything else will fall into place. And for the record, I was "on" enough on Friday to get someone to walk me back to my hotel. The poor guy got stranded and had to take a cab home because his friends left him. We need to throw our insecurities out the window. Myself included. The same wise person above who thinks she isn't smart enough to make "A's" told me two weeks ago, "You are so much more beautiful than you give yourself credit for." I'm going to take that and make myself believe it. Then maybe someone else will notice.
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