Independence

If you know me, you know I'm single. If you know me really well, you probably know why. I never wanted to be single. I wanted a family and a husband just like most people do. I was even engaged, briefly. Sadly it didn't work out, and so here I am...A single, independent woman who can take care of herself. Mostly.

The truth is I have trust issues. I'm not exactly proud of this. I also have too much pride to bend and ask for help when I need it. I hate relying on others to do what I can usually do myself. My biggest fear when I found out I needed to have surgery was doing it alone. Six weeks down without being able to lift much of anything is terrible. I do have trust issues, and I didn't trust that all of the people who said they would help would help. Heck when I first mentioned my surgery I got a "I can't waste my vacation time on you" and "Could you have picked a more inconvienent time?" My optimistic friends keep telling me I underestimate people, but do I? Do I really?

My little sis came through for me by flying here to stay with me for the first few days following my hospital stay. Three of my friends saw me through my surgery, hospital stay and the first day home after surgery. They did come a get me for outings the next week, but I only had company four times the second week, and the third week - nothing. My rehearsals were the only thing I really did. I would have gone out of my mind without those. I am grateful for the help that I received post surgery.

Today, after a very embarassing visit from one of the movers, I gave up on help. Forget it, I will do it myself. I always end up doing it myself. Why would someone come help me take out my trash when they can visit with friends, go shopping, or go to a movie? I just divided crap into smaller bags and took multiple trips to my car. I also changed my sheets. It kind of hurt, but I couldn't deal with it anymore. Three weeks is too long, and it never occured to anyone to offer until yesterday. Everyone has their own problems and is too busy. When someone has come, I've gotten them to take out my trash. When I had knee surgery three years ago, and I had to beg people to bring me ice. They put it in my freezer then left. I ended up putting ice in a tuperware dish, putting the dish in bag around my neck, then walking on my crutches to my bedroom to fill up my ice machine, repeat. It took about three trips to fill it up. Someone brought me food at night, but during the day I was on my own. I also carried my food and drink in the bag around my neck. I was on crutches for over a week. Pretty pathetic.

So here I am again, completely on my own. I'm sad to say people have met my expectations once again. Of course, if I asked they'd come, right? Well asking someone to drive 20 miles to take out my trash is out of the question, so once more this indepenent woman is taking care of her own. Once again, this independent woman is in tears crying because someone let her down.