Anyone who knows me knows that if you ask me something straight out, I will tell you the truth. I'm pretty honest. I really don't put up with dishonest from others. I'm most likely not going to lie to you. However there are shades of truth. They are called secrets.
The secrets could be your own or belong to someone else. I have one friend who you can tell anything to and she will not crack. That is why she knows one of my big secrets. Mainly because I know she won't judge me or tell anyone. To be completely honest, I'm a wimp. I pretend to act like I don't care what people think of me, but I do. At least about somethings. I went through high school with several people spreading outright lies about me. A teacher actually staged an intervention with me because some students told him I was pregnant. The worst part was I was a virgin at the time, and I had to admit that in front of the teacher and my friends who were present for the intervention. Despite that rumors still flew. Let me clear this up...I was a senior, it was my boyfriend, and I was not then nor have I ever been pregnant. I wasn't the slut I was purported to be.
I have, and I'm sure everyone else has, done something I am not proud of. Alas, I will not be revealing all my secrets here, but a little bit of the consequence. I broke up a couple once. They had been together a long time. I refused to have anything to do with the man until he broke up with his girlfriend. I was responsible for the action, and I couldn't live with the guilt. When faced with the consequences of hurting the girlfriend, I sent the man back to her. They are still together today. It's no big deal to them anymore, but now many years later I still feel guilty every time I see one of them. I realized today that only a few people on this earth even knew this happened. I told someone else today, making four.
I have a big secret that many people know about on the promise that they never tell certain people. This is one that I only keep from a certain person. If they asked me straight out if I did what I did, I would tell them the truth and deal with the consequences. I did nothing wrong. It didn't involve anything immoral or illegal, but it fell in gray area. I feel guilty about keeping this secret from someone who knows almost everything about me, but if I can, I will go to my grave without ever admitting it. That darn guilt again.
The moral of this story is speak the truth and be honest. There are some secrets that should stay that way, if only to avoid hurting someone. As for me, I don't lie or keep secrets well because I can't live with the guilt. I guilt myself about everything. I blame things on myself, but I'm not I will not take responsibility for things I didn't do or cause. I get pissy sometimes. I have pet peeves. I lose my temper and sometimes I lose it. I just can't help myself though, I still feel guilty if someone else is hurt. Guilt is a pain in the ass. I would love it if someone would explain to me how to let guilt out of my life. It's a life skill I could really use.
Thanks for reading another one of my rants without much point.
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