Sentimental Crap

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition of gushy is "marked by effusive sentimentality." I spent Friday trying to explain my aversion to gushiness and why different people's perceptions of gushy might make then incompatible.

Some people perceive me as hard and closed off. They might me correct to a certain extent. Those who really, really know me, know I have reasons as to why I'm closed off. It's not really closed off so much as guarded. Guarded as to relationships. The sad part is although my romantic relationships tend to suffer more, they have the least amount to do with the reasons. I will disclaim first and foremost, to my knowledge no one I have ever gone out with has cheated on me. It's so-called friends who have caused most of my issues.

I won't get into it too much, but I have caught a few people close to me in lies. Note to people reading this - don't tell someone you can't do something then post on Facebook you are doing something else that is far removed from the lie you told someone (i.e. I have a family thing so I can't go with you, but then post on Facebook what a great party someone else had). There are people who may not know how much I mistrust them. I'm better at pretending then I used to be. My past is littered with people who have let me down, who I have cut out of my life. I distance myself to avoid the hurt.

My mom got me. Completely. One day I was talking with my mom about CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates). We were discussing how great the program and how I was always recommending it to other to volunteer for. I hesitated for a second, and mentioned people asked why I didn't volunteer. My mom, without pause, said, " You don't volunteer because it hurts you too much." Hurts too much to be around kids in pain. She always got me.

Back to gushy, I'm not comfortable with gushiness. It's not that I don't feel, it's that I feel too much. I not only feel my own emotions, but sometimes I soak up the emotions of the people around me. I hate it. I really hate it. Call it perception, but I know when people are stressed, annoyed, mad, happy, pretending, etc. At least most of the time. Sometimes when it has to do with me, I tend to miss. Since I feel these emotions around me, I tend to close off. I don 't want to be emotional. I really don't need someone to be sentimental with me. It goes back to the "Five Love Languages." I recommend that book to everyone. Every person needs something different from others. Everyone has their own love language. The trick is to understand what the other person needs. Words may not be it. It might be a touch or a gesture of some sort. A hug is worth a thousand words, unless the person needs a thousand words, then a hug won't mean much.

For the record, I've been crying for the last few days. Some of my tears have been happiness, some sadness, others anger. I'm a ball of emotion. Excuse me, but I don't need someone as emotional as I am in a relationship. I am volatile and moody and I cry. Sometimes I cry a lot. I got a phone call yesterday that caused me to break down in tears of happiness. I lock my emotions down most of the time, and that probably is the reason when they do overflow, they are a little too much. I thank God for friends who let me vent to them. Sometimes that is all I need to do. And I really do hate sentimentality. I don't want mushiness. All mushiness and gushiness does is make me want to close off more.  I am a romantic at heart, but I really don't know how to show it. And most of the time, I'm a realist. Maybe I need gushy, but only to a point. I need someone perceptive enough to know when I've reached my limit.

BUT...what do I know? I obviously am not the best judge of what is good for me.