No, I'm not deceiving anyone. You know me much better than that by now. I'm a pretty honest person so unless I am struck speechless, I will usually answer when asked a direct question. That is if I am able to. There are certain circumstances when keeping quiet the the best thing to do, either for myself or the other people involved.
Not too long ago a proposal was made to me. I admit this was one of the times I was struck speechless. I think I mumbled for about 10 minutes while someone sat there and looked at me waiting for me to respond. I had so many things going through my mind at the time and I really wasn't sure how to go about getting my thoughts out of my head into words. Come to think of it, I never really got all of those thoughts out. Again those who know me well are probably amazed something could shut me up.
Back to my situation. I was asked to consider something I had never considered. Something I have rarely ever thought about. Something that has the potential to be very bad for me. While I was mumbling and thinking things through and blushing because I was embarassed that I couldn't put my thoughts into words, I was being basically laughed out for my predictament. Talk about an eye opening experience.
I worked it out eventually with the help of a few friends and a lot of thinking about the situation and its consequences. There are many who may not agree with my choices, but as my friend told me the other day -- Fuck it!!! The only one possibly being hurt by my current actions is me. I'm a big girl, and big girls don't cry, they get even. Just kidding. I have nothing to get even about. I was faced with another hard thing this weekend, and I admit I didn't really handle it in the best way (maybe downing a bunch of drinks during the show and after the show wasn't a great idea, but it got me through the night).
I lived and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm afraid I did what I usually do when nervous, which is talk way too much, laugh a little too loud, dance a little too much, etc. If I act like I don't care too much, then I can cover the fact that inside I may be scared or sad or mad or crying or whatever outrageous thing I am feeling at the moment. And armed with my boots last night I was ready for anything. It's funny, I put on my boots to help me with my stage fright, and boy did they work. It didn't keep me from completely screwing up one of my scenes, but it got me through everything else.
All in all I like to keep things out in the open. I mean like, duh, have you read this blog? That being said there are some things people just don't need to know. I do know what I'm doing and if I get hurt, I get hurt. I probably need to get hurt. It might break the ice I've keep around my heart for years. I also deserve to have a good time. I have been too serious for too long. So if you don't agree with me, support me. I'm not hurting anyone. I need a change and I'll say it...
Texas sooooo agrees with me!!!
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