Effusive Utterances

A few of my friends might tell you I've been lighting their phones and emails up off the hook the last few weeks. At least those who actually read this blog would tell you. I have been texting, im-ing, emailing, calling...basically talking to anyone who would listen to me. I'm so sorry. You know this is not like me. I'm the one who never even looks at my phone during the day, not the person who stays online all day and texts my friends. Why now?

Part of it is boredom. I'm not quite to the busy stage at work, so I have extra time on my hands. I'm in a new place in life, and I need reassurance that I've done the right thing. I really miss my friends!!! The ones I could walk down the hall and talk to every day. However it goes back even further.

When I moved to Arkansas, I was scared and homesick. I also knew my mom was sad I left, so I made a habit of caller her every evening when I got home from work. I grew to rely on those talks as much as she did. If I talked to mom, it wasn't like I lived six hours away. The truth is my mom was one smart cookie. She read people very well and remembered details, so was able to determine people's underlying motives. She was rarely wrong. She became my sounding board. I could tell her everything without holding back, and she didn't judge. She helped me talk through situations in order to maximize the amount of good sound advice I was getting.

No offense to any of my friends, but none of you are mom. All of you have your own unique quality. Each of you offer me something different, include a variety of backgrounds that together give me a plethora of information to analyze before taking action in any given situation. I used to just go to mom. As a good friend of mine, who doesn't not read my blog because it doesn't talk about fashion, always says, you are my board of directors. The group of people I go to to use as a sounding board. I know one of you will always answer. And if I needed to, there are a few more people who I could call on also.

So today I apologize to blowing up your phones the last two weeks (months?). I've been extremely unsure of myself in a few ways. The negative, doomsday, devil's advocate part of my personality tries to come out all the time. Right now at this particular moment my head has some pretty unpretty thoughts, like is this all a joke? It can't really be serious. Are we sure this isn't some bet? I wouldn't be me without those thoughts. I thank you for your patience with me.

And to my friends who know me so well -- I think you probably know why I haven't been able to stay asleep for very long lately. I can't turn off my head. Too much to think about.