This week, if you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of my softer side, I had a few moments that nearly brought me to tears. Those brief moments in time that brought me such joy, if even for a few minutes.
I do not make a secret of the fact I can no longer have kids. I know I can adopt, but that is no something I would choose to do on my own. I really did want to have kids, and my inability to conceive has caused much heartache. I can honestly say that particular defect of mine has been responsible for many sleepless nights full of tears.
On Tuesday night, a beautiful little girl kept hugging me. I finally grabbed her and pulled her into my lap and just held on. There is literally no feeling in the world like holding a child in your arms. She was so sweet to let me (as was her dad, who barely knows me). I then danced with her and then sang karaoke with her and her brother.
On Wednesday, another beautiful little girl started crying, so i picked her up. Damned if she didn't stop crying before holding on to me with dear life. She wouldn't even go with her father when he returned. I love that feeling of complete rust when a child holds on to you.
Finally there is "my girl", who started crying when I said I wouldn't see her for a few weeks. Seeing the tears in her eyes broke my heart. I wish her brother felt the same way, but I will take Bree's tears and hugs.
The point of these stories is I do love kids. And when I can handle the emotions, I will play with your kids all day long. And love on them like nobodies business. However, please understand that some days it hurts. Some days my heart is is filled with such sorrow, I can barely function. I wish I could tuck those feeling away. Please allow me to mourn my lost opportunity. I will pull myself together and come back eventually.
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